I dont know what to do next

That's Ok @Ant7, I am happy to be here for you. I have been around the forums for a few years now, I think. (Not exactly sure when I started writing on Sane.) I am always happy to talk to people.... I don't know whether it really helps people or not- sometimes I'm sure I don't help much!

But I have realised that it helps me to talk to people- because I find out more about myself that way. When I relate to someone's story, I think it is because I see a bit of myself in their behavior, and so by thinking about what is the right thing to say to them, I am also giving advice to myself, in a way.

I think you are I share some things in common- we both keep to ourselves and try to be strong and competent all the time. It's the way we were brought up by our parents.

Yes, I often feel like I am being a burden when I try and get some help for myself, too. I even sometimes feel like I am "bothering" the G.P. when I go to a doctor's appointment!! How silly is that? (Sure there are some people who go to the doctor all the time for no real reason, but I am not one of those people.)

The last few days I have been sick with this 'flu or whatever it is and I didn't even see a doctor. I did however mow the front lawn (felt dizzy and sweated profusely afterwards) and go to work (where I had no strength and felt freezing cold - kept popping over-the-counter meds).

Anyway, @Ant7, before I go off on too much of a tangent - people like you and me have to really think about the way we are living our lives... if things aren't working for us, we have to be prepared to make changes. It's confronting.

I know my sister would have realised that she had to do more than just talk when she went to counselling... she had to work out some changes in her life. But the thing was- she did not want to make any changes at all! So now she is back where she began- not happy but resigned to the fact. I guess there is some kind of security in staying the same.

@Ant7, I'm sorry if people have taken advantage of you. I feel I can relate. I am always trying to be there for others and then end up feeling a bit lonely really, as it can seem like no-one is there for me! But if has been my fault, too, becuase I don't let others in.... well, I do in a superficial way, by trying to be friendly and stuff, but perhaps I don't share any of my deeper stuff?

This have come up for my a few times in therapy, anyway. I am most comfortable in the role of "helper" and even though I think I want to escape this role, it is very difficult to let go of.

I believe it all came about because my Mum was such an unhappy woman and from a very young age, I was sensitive to her needs.... I was always trying to help her, because I wnated her to be happy. So it is just ingrained in me to want to help people. It just feels natural to me. But I have to make sure I find a balance... helping is fine and good.... but not all the time.

You might need to look at that aspect of yourself, too, @Ant7? Maybe? I wonder what things you would like to do, if you were to be purely selfish????

@Ant7, my therapist asked me the same thing and I couldn't come up with much.... what would I like to do if I were going to be purely selfish?

All I could think of was that I would go and sit on the beach all day and drink cocktails!! Well, that would get boring after about 3 or 4 hours, anyway. And I couldn't do it every day.

The thing about consequences is a different question, I think. Even when we are being selfish, we are still aware there will be consequences. For example, if I spent the day drinking cocktails at the beach, I could end up sun-burnt and hung-over. So I would have to decide if it were worth it.

If there really were no consequences.... hmmm, I would probably aim to defraud the bank and take home about 1.5 billion dollars, I suppose. Not that I am a criminal mastermind, or anything! I'm not sure how you go about defrauding the bank!

My therapist never asked me the question about there being no consequences. They would not ask that! (I wouldn't think.) Being selfish is a different thing. Probably 'selfish' is the wrong word, actually. It has too many negative connotations. But if you had a day where you could just suit yourself and you didn't feel obliged to help others.... how would that look? Would you be more authentically who you are?

I wonder if it isn't a question about identity, in some ways? Who are you when you aren't being that strong, capable person who is always there for others?

That's Ok @Ant7. All I will say is that sex is a natural and normal part of life and it does us no good to feel guilty about it. I'm sure a lot of men would like to spend all day at a brothel!!

You know, I think part of it is the sex and part of it is having a connection with a woman without any strings attached- and then part of it too is having that attention... knowing that you are the one who is being focused on and pleased (for want of a better word) without really having to give anything back.

I guess that most people have a fantasy where they are getting everything they want without having to give much in return, for once.... this could apply to sex and it could apply to a lot of other things in life.

I suppose women go to the Day Spa and get that kind of attention- being pampered and looked after- but yet of course this is not frowned upon because it isn't sexual.

It's a moral issue.

I actually have a friend who often says she would like to see a male escort!! I say "well, go for it!!" Even though it is not my cup of tea. And I tell her that, too.

But being married kind of puts a halt to the idea of a brothel. I suppose that's why you feel guilty?

That's ok @Ant7 - maybe if you continue to go to the psychologist you might be able to have a joint appointment with you and you wife together at some stage in the future to talk things over.

I guess it's such a personal thing what someone will and won't be prepared to do in the bedroom. It's not something a person will easily change their minds about, either.

Especially being a woman.... it's a sensitive area of discussion, isn't it?

Well, it's ok to have a bucket list. Just leave it as a bucket list for now.

Personally, I always wanted to meet the Queen for some reason, that's on my bucket list. Wonder where that came from/

My Ex-h and I had different ideas @Ant7 - and this could be really tough and hard for him to understand

Here's the thing - both of you have to want it

Gotta go - my cab is here

Dec