anxiety

dearest @Former-Member

Deep apologies didnt see your post before.

I really love messages you have recieved.

You write of deep shame of things done as a teenager. My first answer is a gentle smile from me to you and then toward myself.....an embarrassing grimace from thinking of myself when a teenager.

I truly believe in two sayings.

WhaTever doesnt bop you on the head makes you stronger.

The best revenge is to live well.

Hold you head up high. Your alive. Not just for your children but for you.

No matter how old you are, your children will look at you as a role model.

Choose to be different than your role model.

The. Best. Revenge. Is. To. Live. Well.

I dont know you but i can sense you work extremely hard to do the right thing. I was like that with kids at home.

wwhenever someone who knew me from embarrassing times come along, i just act myself. I pretend nothing was bad and just act myself. If something gets addressed, i usually say.......oh dear, it was a bad time. I always felt unloved at home then...... .

You are truly a beautiful person.

Xxxxx

When i saw my Psychotherist, she was discussing something i went to and important people were laughing at me, it was at an event that my old Psychotherapist happened to be at. Only now, a week after, her words are sinking in. What do I care? Actually, if they were really profeccional, should they be doing that..................

Believe in yourself @Former-Member.

Hi @Former-Member,

Hope your court business on Monday went okay and that your mind is giving you some breaks from worry.

Thanks for the mention you made of mandala coloring books. I've ordered some from eBay, and also found this website today where you can do very easy coloring online http://www.coloring.com/pages/geo-mandala It was a nice moment of therapy to do one today, relaxing to just focus on color for a while.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

hello, @Former-Member,

how are you?

Thinking about you,

Anne

Thankyou everyone,

Monday was gruelling.. the other side are playing very dirty... but to be expected i guess. i will get through this though... its only a few more days really. im practicing my breathing.. and im so glad that i have you all here. I'm terrified.. and bouncing between feelings of so much shame and then feel more positive, then hopeless etc.. its really hard. but it will be all over by wednesday/thursday next week.. so just have to focus on that.. time keeps moving.. it will be over soon.

thankyou @PeppiPatty yes, the stuff im so ashamed of... there were reasons i did what i did and if i hadnt been subjected to the things i was.. it wouldnt have happened... it was a bad time 😞

@Former-Member,

Great that it will be over soon, in a matter of days, as you say. Good that there are positive feelings in you for at least some of the time too. I understand shame about things in the past, I have it too. All those breathing moments will get you through it. Best wishes.

Dearest @Former-Member

Ha! Arent you a strong lady.

I started rewriting everything i wrote before so ille just sned you my like minded complete blessings that you can get through this

Im so proud of you because i remember how awful and traumatic it is and you are still writing here.... you have not shut off.

Real and pozitive comment in your last message re: your past.

.......

hi @Former-Member

Thinking about you .

There is something that you can write about when the courtcase is over and how you are a whole

Intellectual

Spiritual

Person.

First is that activity @hiddenite weote about, you know the 10 things activity. So oh....creative.

I've been thinking a lot about what you wrote @PeppiPatty ' the best revenge is to live well'

and i've been thinking that even if i dont 'win' and he's 'acquitted' (ugh 😞 ) He still has to sit through listening to me tell it all and show him that i've moved on from being controlled by him.. but then im terrified im going to be a blubbering woose up there and look pathetic.. sigh.. oh well.. really its just going to be good to have this behind me i guess. in panic mode today. cant calm down but still trying to. time keeps moving so it will be over with soon.

creative stuff sounds great, im going to go back and reread @hiddenite 's post again. 🙂 thank you

LJ

well @lisajane. ..there you go.

Because I've been thinking......in the back of my mind about you.

But....honestly.....sort of about you but about me.....that my Dad stole my money from my beautiful home .....ended up on the grass ground of society and ive blamed myself for years.

But my dreams and someone here i think @Troubled_One....kickstarted my thoughts to go and get them all checked out by my old Psychotherapist. And what i was fearing is correct but i still need to do more proper rewriting of my life so i know.

Do I care

what all those really really important people think of me by Dad placing me in a difficult situation so that i couldnt speak my truth and i was very happily picked apart for two years?

No. Because its still happening and its......

me

making changes in me.

But your image, fragile.

in court you are very unfairly placed in

reminds me of a shining star.

You will get through this. You have time on you

Every day........night will cross the sky

You go and look at the stars......the moon....

They have been there for generations.

Everything you do will somehow shine in strength inside your children you originally show them.

Who CARES if you look a bluddering woose. The judge has seen worse. You will be shown more compassion.

I dont think its about the image. It's your journey tbat your children are interested in.

i know.. people tell me i worry too much about what other people think... maybe because i've never considered myself important enough to even consider if what i think has any worth on its own. i'm always terrified of how i'll be percieved, if people can somehow 'see' all the bad things about me because of what happened to me.. and while i've been challenging those sorts of things when i was in therapy its so hard to change the automatic way that i think about everything... maybe this court case will help me to take back (ha! take back.. not sure i've ever had any... maybe create might be a better word..) create some self respect and self esteem for myself. lol i've just gotta survive this though. I think its normal to sort of continually use the things we read on here to help us in our self reflections... and i think that for the first time seeing other people with ... kind of similar experiences/reactions to various life events ... helps me to actually feel (hate this word) normal. and not alone.

lj