anxiety

Court cases are so intense. It seems difficult to imagine we can get through them. I have not regreted leaving and going through it all. Mine were 13 years ago.

You can do it. One day at a time. Its a rotten time for colds, just cosy up, lots of citrus. Do what you need.

Mandalas are beautiful and soothing to the eye and the heart.

@Appleblossom thankyou, you sound so strong, it helps to heaer that someone else has gotten through and past it. Some days im not even sure it was such a good idea to leave, its kind of like, i knew what his moods were when i was with him, if he was ok or getting angry etc, now im not with him but the courts decide that its ok for the kids to be with him for some unsupervised time. and after this trial, if hes not found guilty they'll give him even more time.. and even if he is found guilty they'll eventually give him more time with them and i wont be able to protect them... until he does soemthing to them (which a police officer told me straight out... as soon as he hurts one or both of them in anger you'll be able to get contact stopped) but its so wrong 😞 so i have to do this. but i am so scared and feel so sick. im scared my mind is going to go blank when im in court and i wont be able to remember anything properly or i'll get something mixed up and everyone in there will think i've lied.

lj

He was arrested so your situation was serious enough for separation, though it is natural to have doubts or varied thoughts. Try and focus on positive dreams you have for yourself and your boys rather than the fear of what might happen.

It took many years of breathing and exercises for me to calm down so I cant pretend anything. It is the hardest thing to face when our dreams of family are shattered, but the constancy of children's daily needs are real. Dont set the bar too high when you are under extra stress. Easy food and easy activities are the best as you find your own rhythm and strength.

Namaste

Hi @Appleblossom

Its been so hard, im not glad that you went through it, but im grateful to know that it took you a long time. I've felt like such a failure for not 'getting better' or 'over it' already. I find it really hard to think abbout the future because there isnt anything to be certain of. I dont know how court is going to go, if it goes badly he could end up having the children on weekends and overnights (the thought makes me feel sick).

Yes, all i ever wanted when i was growing up was to get away from the people around me (i cant call it a family anymore) and have my own kids and have them grow up in a loving and warm family and safe home. Losing that dream has been shattering in itself but i lost his whole family the day i left as well as the community that we lived in and now me and the kids are alone, and that hurts . Its largely my fault, i dont reach out to people, i've felt for such a long time that everything must be my fault, and even though that sense of things has faded a bit with the psychologists help, i cant bring myself to trust again. at least in person... its been such a relief to be able to 'come' here and express myself a bit.

so.. i hope thats not sharing too much.

LJ

Hi lisajane,

I'm pretty new here and wanted to say hi on this cold and rainy day. I'm sorry to hear that you (and others) have been through such challenging times but my goodness how inspirational your posts have been to read..You sound like an amazingly strong and determined woman to me, someone who IS taking some very courageous steps to keep her family safe and in a loving and warm place. I hope you are able to provide even a little bit of this to yourself.

Its ok I know what you mean @Former-Member I am glad that you psychologists are getting through to you and help your sense of self esteem.

I am the queen of over share .. which is apparently the result of years of money and effort in therapy which helped me change from being quiet and introverted.

I have found it good to be able to just be and express my self on this forum too.

It is what it is and it takes what it takes. If it takes a while for you to settle then that is what you need.

Thankyou both @Former-Member and @Appleblossom,

I dont feel very strong or capable... just trying to survive, which is something i've always had to do. gah! Thank you Appleblossom, just for understanding me!

lj

Now I know you are a champion cowgirl I am in awe.

I spent time working on a dairy farm growing up .. I have used that experience to ground me .. pull me back to basics.

Mooo they are stubborn gorgeous old gals.

Hang in there.

hi @hiddenite

Good good ideas to give lj.

They feel so innocent.