Struggling to Survive

@outlander Yes, we are all in it together. Wise words from someone so young. You take care today. @Former-Member Thankyou.

Certainly are rough waters here @Former-Member and they don't seem to be calming at all for any of us

@Maggie @Former-Member I had some beautiful people helping to distract me for a few hours last night - it made all the difference from where I was at, and where I was heading, to be able to navigate the rest of the night without wanting to act on those thoughts. It was still a REALLY difficult night but I managed to resist following through with my 'plan'. So here I am, facing another day, not knowing what it may bring, how I will get through or if I may find any glimmer of hope to help along the journey!

Hello @Zoe7

Its good to hear you are finding ways to ride those rough ways, having someone to sail through them with always helps.

Take care, MummaMia

I would be completely 'all at sea' (thought I would stay in keeping with the theme of this conversation lol) without the beautiful forumites @Former-Member helping to keep my head above water when I am starting to go under

It is so hard to be sitting with yourself and not like who you are sitting with! I have nothing to offer the world the way I am. There is no respite from feeling so inadequate, so worthless and so totally lost. I cannot see anything in the future that will change this. I have always felt like I am on the outside looking in - able to see everything that happens but not be part of it!

I learned very early on that no-one would be around when I needed help - that I was ultimately on my own - and that the only person I could count on was myself - but that is not possible either at present. So where does that leave me? It leaves me isolated, lonely, dejected and very much wanting this truly wasted life to end!

There are no words that can heal this pain and no words that can convince me that I have a place in this world - it is not that I don't hear them, I just don't believe them! I know I have been conditioned over many years to think and feel this way and this has been continuously re-inforced through the control and power weilded by others over me. There are only so many times one can be knocked down, dismisssed, ignored, belittled or hurt until it becomes too much to take.

Most days my 'life' does not even seem real - surely this 'life' of mine can't be real!!!!But the sad fact is - it is I can see no road in front of me and only huge holes where I have already walked. Each step forward is a step into the darkness, the unknown, and each step back I have to navigate the enormous dark holes that have been left in my wake and each step back could very well be my last. How does one keep on this journey of 'life' if the road before and the road ahead is blanketed in darkness? How does one survive the constant torture of a life having been lived full of pain? How does one continue to live at all?

I am still wide awake despite taking extra meds. I am exhausted but cannot sleep. I have cried so much I seem to have run out of tears. The emotional pain has turned to numbness again however every part of me aches! All I want is to forget, to sleep, to be free of the torment! I do not care if I don't wake up, I do not care if there is nothing beyond this moment, I do not care if I do not take another breathe! I cannot live with this pain, with being consumed by feelings of hopelessness. The despair that I feel is agony and I am losing any will to fight - I am scared of what tonight may bring but willing to succumb if it brings me peace. I am definitely living in a state of 'what will be will be' as I do not have the mental or physical strength to continue to fight - I am at the mercy of the darkness and whatever that holds!

This is for you @Maggie

A tear drops silently to the ground

No-one’s around to hear the sound

Loneliness washes over her face

She wipes her eyes to leave no trace

One step forward, two steps back

The ground beneath begins to crack

Motionless her eyes adjust

What lies beyond turns to dust

Her life before is filled with pain

She begins to crumble under the strain

To her knees she does drop

All she wants is for life to stop

Her entire body begins to ache

As within her soul her heart does break

Time has come to say goodbye

As high above the angels cry.

...and another one @Maggie

I walk on through the rain

Knowing I cannot hide from the pain

Every drop from the sky

Hides the pain when I cry

You reach out a hand

And help me to stand

But inside my heart

I am being torn apart

When will this end

Can my heart ever mend

Will light again shine

Can this life be mine

I walk through the rain

Still hiding the pain

Now every drop from the sky

Even hides when I cry.

@Zoe7 Dear dear @Zoe7 every word you write I know through experience and wish the journey was over for me. Another day dawns and it's all on again. I have no words of wisdom, absolutely nothing of value to offer, but if you want me to stand beside you, I'm here, listening, crying beside/with you, it is in all honesty all I have to offer.

Standing beside me is more than enough @Maggie