Struggling to Survive

@Zoe7 And I do it with all my heart.

I know you do @Maggie and that means the world to me

...and me the same for you

What happens when you seek clarification or help with a problem and there is no response - it feeds into your feelings of worthlessness and your very real sense that you do not matter. Once is an oversight, twice you feel totally ignored. Then you find your own feelings about yourself being re-inforced by inaction. It isn't enough that I feel like I do not matter but to seek some support and receive none - well - that proves a point - in the context of everything - I really do not matter. This is not a new concept to me and it is not the first time this has happened - but I was truly hoping that this would not be the case in this instance. People can say that I do matter but words are just words! Actions are what mean the most and when there are no actions taken, or even worse, completely ignored, then what is there left to say.

For all those that will try to find words to respond - there is no point! I do not matter, never have, never will - and that is the simple reality!

Hi my beautiful @Maggie

This may be a long post so grab a cuppa, your blanket, your fur baby (and maybe some tissues) and settle in

I have been on both sides of the 'situation' you are in Maggie - neither of them feel at all good (an understatement!) There does come times when one's life is in chaos and you become totally overwhelmed by the 'lives' of others. Then you have a decision to make (and not an easy one) - you either keep going as you are and risk sinking further into the darkness or you take a step back - for you own self-care. This is not an easy thing to do as both you and the other person are hurt in this scenario. I have been in this position (and hated it) but needed to do so in order to protect myself - and also to break the over-reliance of that person on support from me - it was a decision I had to make for the benefit of both of us. I have also seen this scenario play out with other members. It truly is an awful place to be - for all involved - and does have a flow-on effect for a while on the broader community.

In saying all that - when you are in the position you are in - you question what you have done wrong, why did this happen and how you could have prevented it - and the simple answer to all these questions is 'It isn't about you at all" This is about where the other person is at and is DEFINITELY no reflection on you. I know this does not make it easier to deal with but we cannot second guess the place someone else is at and what is going on for them,

There is inevitably going to be situations like this that arise in a community like this - as there are irl - because each one of us is not only dealing with our real lives and all the struggles that that brings but we are all also dealing with MI - and that adds a completely new dimension to how each one of us copes day to day. You and I both know how incredibly hard it is to get through each day and sometimes we can forget that our 'friends' on here are dealing with the same/similar issues. None of this makes it any easier but the things that bring us all together here are also the things that can tear us apart

In the end @Maggie we can only do what we can do and hope that it is enough - for others and for ourselves. Do not let this set back change the amazingly wonderful and supportive person you are. You show so much compassion and empathy for others (especially for me) and I smile everytime I see your little yellow avatar (even when I know you are not doing so well) - because that is how I think of you - a little ray of sunshine in my life that I can see even when you can't. You mean so much to me and have helped me over the last couple of months just by being you sweetheart. You are enough - and I love who you are

Sending you my love, huge hugs and a supportive shoulder to lean on...

Zoe

@Zoe7 You were right about the tissues. Luckily I was in bed already with fur baby tucked in close. Your words here mean so much. I didn't see this coming and it's hit like a loaded truck. Your post will be read a number of times in order to digest and rearrange some misplaced feathers, possibly plucked. You'll get that I hope. Thankyou, inadequate but from my achey breaky heart, Thankyou. An extra warm hug.

I get it @Maggie - I really do! This is one instance where time is needed to mend your heart. I hope by being here by your side I can help you move through this process a little easier. Nothing can prepare us for something that happens so suddenly and out of the blue but I hope knowing that you have the support of so many people here will allow you to grieve this 'loss' (because that is what it is Maggie) and help to hold you up as you do so.

Huge hugs to you sweetheart...here with you...

Zoe

I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be anywhere! I honestly do not know what I have done and I certainly do not understand what has happened nor why! I am sitting in the darkest of places and do not understand how I got here. Today, in an instance, the one place I felt some belonging to disappeared from under me. Now I truly have nowhere to turn, alone in a sea of tears and fallen into the deepest of holes. No matter what I have tried to do in my life, it inevitably has ended in pain. I do not understand how my support and encouragement of others could have been turned so negatively towards me – I just do not understand! Tonight I want out of this world, I want the pain to stop. I am so very close to making that happen! To everyone on here I ask one thing – that is – please forget about me – because the best way to make sure that no-one ever feels any hurt because of me is for me to not be around. I may not leave this earth tonight but I can leave here for now – and as heartbreaking as that is, the alternative is worse.

Stay safe everyone and hold each other close – allowing the care, compassion and support to radiate throughout and touch each and every soul on here

@Zoe7 Whatever happened I'm sure it's a misunderstanding. We are so fragile that we often can't see what is really there. There are so many people here who care deeply for you including me. Please don't let a whirlpool of mixed emotions take over. I know you are loved and cared for so deeply here. Last week I over reacted to something kind of similar as well. It was the final straw for me but it ended up being someone trying to look out for me and I read it in the opposite way. Please find whatever you can to get through tonight and then start again tomorrow. You are worth fighting for 🤗💜💐