Struggling to Survive

@Zoe7,you need to go to hospital for a rest my friend or please consider going to your doctor tomorrow.I hope your heater got fixed.Please try and see in your paintings and Toby and anything else how much you have to offer despite your physical and psychological pain.Really worried about you because I have the similar feelings and isolation.💞

@Former-Member even the thought of hospital is a trigger for me - and it is not helping that I will have to be there in just over a week for tests under general anaesthetic - absolutely petrified at the thought! Knowing that I will be asleep and will not know what is happening is a reminder to me of past trauma and how I nearly didn't survive - it is what fills me with fear and anxiety every night and why I can't sleep. Aside from everything else that has happened over the last few weeks - this alone is too much to deal with. I do not know how I am going to do it - but if I don't then we will not be able to find any answers to my constant pain and that is what is causing my feelings of hopelessness to increase - so either way I can't win here

@Zoe7,I get the picture,a traumatic picture at that.Just try to take it as it comes.Im like that in another way with weight scales from battling weight,gaining weight and childhood trauma of being weighed in class.I am sorry if I triggered you my friend.Just take it as it comes .👤

I am presently juggling my reasons for living against reasons why it would be easier not to! There is a much longer list on the side of 'not to'!

For nearly all of my life I have felt invisible - that nobody actually 'sees' ME. I have been continually treated with disdain, pushed aside when 'finished with', forgotten about when something 'better' comes along or generally been controlled, used, abused and treated like I was 'nothing'.

I do not feel at all worthwhile in this world. I do not feel that I have a place that I belong. I do not feel that life will ever improve.

For nearly half of my existence I have been in one kind of abusive situation or another - half of my life living in fear, half of my life being mis-treated, half of my life not knowing where to turn or when it would end. For the rest of my life since - I have continued to live in fear and hoped everyday that my life would change, that the memories would fade, that the feelings would disappear - but they haven't!

I do not know the person I see in the mirror - there is too much pain, too much heartache, too much damage! All I see is a terrified, empty, sad figure that would do anything to forget. I struggle each day to stay alive, I struggle each day to want to fight, I struggle each day to keep going and I struggle each day to even care!

I do not feel as though my presence on this earth has any meaning at all. I do not feel that I would be remembered if I was no longer here, and I do not feel that I matter to anyone - that alone is enough to be heartbreaking!

When I try to sum up my life and find reasons to keep going, the words that come to mind are failure, invisible and defeated! The world does not owe me anything but it certainly does not need to be so cruel.

I cannot get passed the trauma I have suffered and continue to live it each day. I cannot get passed the feelings that continue to dominate my every waking being or the thoughts that take over my mind. I really feel powerless to stop them and hopeless that I can't. My life does not have any meaning and I feel totally and utterly worthless. No-one should live this way and no-one should have to suffer for so long. I am so scared of the past and so fearful of the future because I know that nothing will change and I will eventually reach a point where I cannot take it anymore - and as quickly as I can click my fingers - that time may be here

@Zoe7,your words are my thoughts about myself my friend.In my depressed storm due to triggers.If everyone here weighed up life we'd probably all find the reasons more for not to live.I can see all your points, except the fact that you stated to me you have a job to return to,so that from someone who feels no place in life and knocked back job after job shows that you are worthwhile as a employee.

I understand abuse in different ways as being obese from a early age,victim of sexual assault, dysfunctional family,abused for my weight and not coping with trauma.I avoid photos due to body image etc,besides driver's license have probably 3 photos of me since early adulthood, and burnt many photos taken in early life due to obesity. Basically,got nothing to feel proud of in any stage of my life and no one who needs to remember me.

I understand @Zoe7, through feeling I have no hope and a failure who can't go on but remember your attributes of empathy,and the way you express yourself through your art.I don't think you realise the value of your worth and the potential it has.💗

@Zoe7 I know words mean nothing, I know nothing does. These past days for me have been all you have outlined in your post. My whole life is a mistake from beginning til now. The only positive I truly have is my fur baby, and there is no exaggerations here. All I can do is stand with you, and I do that willingly because I would not be anywhere else. @Former-Member Here we are, struggling together, not enough strength between us to hold up a light.

Hello @Maggie @Zoe7 @Former-Member @outlander @Former-Member

I am reading this thread thinking of you all. I can see things are really tough and everyday is a real struggle. I love to read how supportive and understanding you are of each other on here. There are some really rough waters out there, I hope you can find a safe place to ride out the waves.

We are here too, bobbing along with you, hearing you and caring.

Take care, MummaMia