Struggling to Survive

I hear you @Zoe7, but I also know that you are taking steps towards wellness in that you are following medical advice and getting the diagnostic tests done. You are crawling through a desert to achieve this, and it's really, really hard ..... you are exhausted, sick and totally despondant, and everybody here can see why .....

So why do we care ? Why should we care ? We care because we see you ....

We see creative, artistic Zoe. We see the wonderful caring Zoe who has previously been involved in meaningful community projects, quite apart from helping to shape and promote the artistic endeavours of children she cares about very much, and who care about her .... not by accident, but by love .... by love connections made, kept, and treasured.

We care about you even when you can no longer care about yourself .... we are your flame-keepers Zoe ..... we are your hearth to come home to at the moment .....

Keep reaching towards wellness Zoe .... and when you can't, like in this moment when your faith, hope and courage are depleted .... just breathe ....

Breathe because you want to get back to walking on the beach as Toby runs around you ..... breathe because you have so much more art to give this world ..... breathe because there are little faces at school waiting for your return .... believing it will happen, believing in you .... as we do ......

Spring is here Zoe .... the cold will pass .... flowers will bloom and bring the warmth of Summer .... and your cough will heal.

You are so tired .... and weary of the fight ..... but warriors rest ..... and recover their strength, despite their wounds .... despite their losses .... they find new things to strive for.

Breathe beautiful Zoe .... breathe and rest on us ....

💚💐🦋💕💚💐🦋💕💚💐🦋💕💚💐🦋💕💚💐🦋💕💚

You matter @Zoe7 ..... 💚💐🦋💕

@Zoe7

Zoe7,your thoughts are my thoughts, stolen life,lost,no hope ,darkness,defeat,I'm living and I don't know why,jobless and even if I do get one I know I will be no good due to not handling pressure. My life went before my eyes,more so believing in myself through the use of drugs and stupid counseling listening to some idiot's verbal diarrhea.I know you have a lifeline there...Toby because my cats are mine.At times I wish I didn't have them because they are making me hang on to no hope but they are the only thing I cling to.I hope you get your heater fixed today and I hope you can get dressed and go out the door with Toby even if it's only in the back yard .I understand @Zoe7 as I said it's a awful way to feel.💗

@Zoe7

Today hs been the same as yesterday and that was the same as the day before! Each day is staring to morph into the next and I have no idea where in the week the day sits or infact what time of day I am in. I have been trying to sleep in the daylight to catch up on the lost sleep at night - but that now has become problemmatic also. The nightmares are intense and once again my sense of what is real and what is not is so difficult to determine. I am reliving the 'nightmares' of my past both while asleep and when awake. I am feeling every 'memory' and every 'action' - and I am losing any will to keep going - it is too much, it is too hard, it hurts too much! I have continued to struggle through each day with encouragement that my life will change, that these feelings will ease, that the memories will get easier to deal with - but nothing has improved - my 'life' does infact seem to be worse.I want it to change, need it to change but honestly do not think it ever will. I am so tired, in so much pain and both mentally and physically reached a point where I can only see one answer to stop the suffering. I am not completely giving up but I do want to give in - I feel totally defeated and want to disappear into the darkness that surrounds me. I truly feel I have nothing left and no way to continue to live through this nightmare that is my life. I want to sleep, I need sleep so desperately, and if it came to pass that I did not wake then the pain would end and I would no longer have to struggle to face each day and fight to get through them. Tonight is another night like so many that have gone before - a toss of a coin, a pendulum swing, an intersection where a choice of direction can be made - how tonight pans out is likely to be once of chance - where I end up will likely be determined by how I am coping and my levels of despair - time is both my friend and my enemy - what will be will be!