Zoe7Senior Contributor
Struggling to Survive
When life has no meaning, no purpose - it is a constant struggle to confront each new day and manage to ‘function’. Detachment from reality is my best defence. Without the emotional connections I am able to survive. The smallest of distractions can send me into a spiral that leads to unwanted and harmful thoughts. Feelings become amplified to the point of physical discomfort. The world closes in and seems to trap me in a never ending dark spiral. I can’t see the way out as I am tossed and turned, battered and bruised. The wounds are internalised and the struggle continues!
So I need to be alone as that is my only certainty for being safe – safe from disappointment, safe from conflict, safe from being let down, safe from violence, safe from further hurt. But when there are few distractions and your mind has time on its own to think, the freedom of space begins to close in. When you realise that the only people in the world that actually know you exist and care about you are the ones that you are isolating yourself from then the heartache and loneliness is magnified. If I was one cube of ice in an avalanche nobody would see me – it would make no difference if I were not there – the avalanche would continue regardless. I am one tiny, insignificant part of the universe that would soon be forgotten – in the wider scheme of life – I may as well not exist!
Hope you have a nice rest 
I have so missed my cocky friend - but it seems like she is back (not quite firing on all cyclinders yet but progressing). I don't lack the motivation as much now but the energy and strength. My body has deterioratedso much that I can't physically do things. It is going to take alot of time to even get back to doing the little things - and that is not only frustrating but adding to my emotional pain. I can't do things to distract myself or anything I have found joy in in the past. I would so love to be able to take Toby to the beach but the drive alone is too much. I can't walk more than about 100metres without my legs feeling like jelly, aching and occaionally 'giving way'. I can't hold a paintbrush for long without my arms doing the same. As for housework - well let's say that even a cleaner would take one look at my house and so 'I am not cleaning that' - there are things everywhere (alot is the result of my panic Thursday night when I thought the heat pump was going to explode after it started leaking gas). I really hate mess - not helping with my mental state either - but there is nothing I can do about it other than do a little at a time, rest and see how much more I can do. Being so cold is not helping there either - much harder to clean anything wrapped in a doona 
