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When life has no meaning, no purpose - it is a constant struggle to confront each new day and manage to ‘function’. Detachment from reality is my best defence. Without the emotional connections I am able to survive. The smallest of distractions can send me into a spiral that leads to unwanted and harmful thoughts. Feelings become amplified to the point of physical discomfort. The world closes in and seems to trap me in a never ending dark spiral. I can’t see the way out as I am tossed and turned, battered and bruised. The wounds are internalised and the struggle continues!
So I need to be alone as that is my only certainty for being safe – safe from disappointment, safe from conflict, safe from being let down, safe from violence, safe from further hurt. But when there are few distractions and your mind has time on its own to think, the freedom of space begins to close in. When you realise that the only people in the world that actually know you exist and care about you are the ones that you are isolating yourself from then the heartache and loneliness is magnified. If I was one cube of ice in an avalanche nobody would see me – it would make no difference if I were not there – the avalanche would continue regardless. I am one tiny, insignificant part of the universe that would soon be forgotten – in the wider scheme of life – I may as well not exist!
The last few months have all been 'take it easy weeks' @utopia - it is very, very frustrating
I have new meds to have before I eat so hopefully they will work for the next couple of weeks before I have to have the gastroscopy and colonoscopy. Eating comes with so much stress - not knowing when/how severe the pain will be - but I am doing the best I can for now!
As long as I can look after my fur babies that is what is important to me
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
Hi @Zoe7, @utopia, @Appleblossom, Three Powerhouse women. Battlers who inspire me. Really helps me following your stories and having your friendship here.
Zoe, don't you go tripping on those of oys everywhere lol and maybe have less out - rotate it a bit. I so relate to that chronic fatigue thing and vegetative depression. Today my arms and legs are so heavy it literally hurts to move. Sometimes I joke with God thanking him that o need to get up to pee - otherwise I wouldn't get up at all some days. I know you know how it is. Especially when cold, brrr.
Bending down to pick things up is hard for me so to make it easier I get the back of the broom and pull it all into the one spot, chuck t in a box (or bin).
You may have read some of my recent mammoth efforts to declutter & sell up. Pushed myself last week laying the foundations for getting organised and preparing in living areas (at leadt) for my first house viewing. Done nothing but work two shifts at the shop since. Really wrecked me. "No pain no gain" they say, so keep telling myself if I want things to change - I have to do it, Jo matter how small.
My son came up with a very profound quote that 'settled things' in my thoughts a fair bit. He said
"life is pain! it hurts to do nothing and it hurts to do something. I have to decide which pain to run with, i decided to run with that which gives back"
or something to that affect, but I think you get the drift. Even the smallest attempt is better than those who don't even try 🙂
Hang in there guys, hugzz 💜🌷☺☕🔆🐦💕
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
Hope you are OK @Zoe7,pity you didn't have a electric portable heater on hand.Dont know how you are standing it, especially with being housebound not getting the blood moving.Must be very cold in Tasmania,always wanted to get there.
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Appleblossum,I don't put myself in those situations,I think it is F***** rude and intrusive and deliberate act of intimidating me by some.I say hello to some and at times I have walked off quickly.One old bloke who is a pain in the a**,(if you chat to him you are there til Xmas said the other day when I was walking in to get a loaf of bread from the bakery said "haven't seen you for a while!" I said "You are lucky!",and kept going lol.
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Former-Member I would include you in the same list of Battler's that Inspire Me
Over a long time now you have been very supportive of Me even when you have been through some really tough times yourself. Your last year has seen some really low low's but you have pulled yourself back up and dealt with so many 'issues'. I know sometimes you haven't felt like you have coped at all well with what you have had to deal with but you continue to get through and move through alot of heartache and pain. You too are a 'powerful woman' and I have so much admiration for how you continue to 'live' through your own struggles
ps - I love the quote from your son @Former-Member - very appropriate in our 'circumstances'
@Former-Member I am doing the best I can under he circumstances - it is a little warmer today but very windy. Still rugged up in my doona but have a GP appointment this afternoon so will need to have a shower (that won't be fun in the cold )
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
Hope the doctor went OK @Zoe7,and you are warm.So the pump operates hot water system as well? Good Times...Not.💤
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
No the pump doesn't operate the hot water @Former-Member it is just really cold getting out of the shower with no heat! My GP appointment went well - my blood pressure is down - lowest it has been for over a year! ultrasound on my thyroid tomorrow (if I am well enough to go) and back to GP Thursday. How are you doing tonight?
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
That's good,the Dr went well.Im OK tonight @Zoe7,as long as I don't think...That's when the blind goes down.
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
Yep @Former-Member totally get that. I am doing the same tonight! Sound off on the tv and computer, snuggled up with Toby and trying not to let everything get to me. I feel like taking meds to 'knock me out' but am resisting for now. Not sure how long I can hold out tonight though - feel too sick!
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
Mmm,yes it's hard,knocking yourself out does give you temporary respite and eases the stress level.Maybe cuddle more into Toby? @Zoe7
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