Zoe7Senior Contributor
Struggling to Survive
When life has no meaning, no purpose - it is a constant struggle to confront each new day and manage to ‘function’. Detachment from reality is my best defence. Without the emotional connections I am able to survive. The smallest of distractions can send me into a spiral that leads to unwanted and harmful thoughts. Feelings become amplified to the point of physical discomfort. The world closes in and seems to trap me in a never ending dark spiral. I can’t see the way out as I am tossed and turned, battered and bruised. The wounds are internalised and the struggle continues!
So I need to be alone as that is my only certainty for being safe – safe from disappointment, safe from conflict, safe from being let down, safe from violence, safe from further hurt. But when there are few distractions and your mind has time on its own to think, the freedom of space begins to close in. When you realise that the only people in the world that actually know you exist and care about you are the ones that you are isolating yourself from then the heartache and loneliness is magnified. If I was one cube of ice in an avalanche nobody would see me – it would make no difference if I were not there – the avalanche would continue regardless. I am one tiny, insignificant part of the universe that would soon be forgotten – in the wider scheme of life – I may as well not exist!
I know that there are lot of people here that would care if anything happened to you. I also know that when you are feeling this way you can't see this or are unable to recognise this - and when you are right in the middle of the 'darkness' it doesn't matter anyway because you just want to stop the pain. We are here for you in those times to remind you that you matter to us and you are worthy of us caring for you. Ultimately it is your choice but if you want to just 'sit with' people that also have those feelings or to talk about what is happening for you then we are right here with you.
How do they expect you to be motivated to do anything when you keep getting knocked back for work. It is so unfair but you see it alot - 'younger' people are employed before more experienced people in some areas - and often because they can be paid less - and then in other areas they want experience that you can't get unless you get the job - it is a very flawed system!
It won't settle because it is too wet but it is pretty to watch. I have my blanket around me and Toby keeping me warm - so I'm sorted for now lol
