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Struggling to Survive

Zoe7Senior Contributor18 June 2017, 2:27 pm AEST

Struggling to Survive

When life has no meaning, no purpose - it is a constant struggle to confront each new day and manage to ‘function’. Detachment from reality is my best defence. Without the emotional connections I am able to survive. The smallest of distractions can send me into a spiral that leads to unwanted and harmful thoughts. Feelings become amplified to the point of physical discomfort. The world closes in and seems to trap me in a never ending dark spiral. I can’t see the way out as I am tossed and turned, battered and bruised. The wounds are internalised and the struggle continues!

So I need to be alone as that is my only certainty for being safe – safe from disappointment, safe from conflict, safe from being let down, safe from violence, safe from further hurt. But when there are few distractions and your mind has time on its own to think, the freedom of space begins to close in. When you realise that the only people in the world that actually know you exist and care about you are the ones that you are isolating yourself from then the heartache and loneliness is magnified. If I was one cube of ice in an avalanche nobody would see me – it would make no difference if I were not there – the avalanche would continue regardless. I am one tiny, insignificant part of the universe that would soon be forgotten – in the wider scheme of life – I may as well not exist!

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In response to: Struggling to Survive

Zoe7Senior Contributor30 Aug 2017, 11:27 pm AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Sans911 there certainly is a special bond between a person and a cat when the cat chooses the person My little angel is buried at my parent's place - I think they cried more than me when she passed. My mother said that she was so upset because she felt like 'her baby had lost her baby' - and it was like that for me. I was really numb for those coupleof weeks until this new little fluffball came into my life - then I could mourn my first cat while loving the new kitten - the heartbreak was replaced by joy - but I did call my new baby by my other baby's name quite a few times. Every now and then I still do that - but I see that solely as keeping her memory alive and not loving this little girl any less

@Fancy_Pants We call my cat 'Cat' on here - here nameis very unusual and would be easily recognisable for anyone reading this.

At present Toby is laying next to me havng puppy dreams - tiny little noises and the occasional muted bark - very cute

In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive

Zoe7Senior Contributor30 Aug 2017, 11:53 pm AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Sans911 @Fancy_Pants

My sister said something to me the other day - and she had no idea how right she was!

She said that I had been worse since I went to Sydney for my short holiday. She is so right. I was not 'up to it' and have gone downhill since. What she doesn't know, however, is how much that trip affected me - both physically and mentally. Before I went I was so worried about how Toby would cope. I had not been away from him for even a night since the day I got him. I honestly thought he would fret without me - and I definitely knew I would miss him. I pretty much kept on going myself because I couldn't stand the thought of him being without me and not being happy - but what I learnt from that trip is that he would be ok without me. My sister stayed at my place for the 4 days and Toby was perfectly fine (Cat just did her thing as usual!) So to realise that the thing I was really holding onto to keep me alive was infact not an issue anymore has had a massive impact on me. I no longer have to 'stay alive' for Toby - as Toby would be ok without me - the sole reason for me to keep going is no longer there - and that does scare me!

In response to: Struggling to Survive

Sans911Senior Contributor31 Aug 2017, 12:01 am AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Zoe7 yes I remember why Cat is called so on here. I read that somewhere before. My previous boys, Radar and Tiki, I miss every day, but my current cat also has a distinctive name so I'll just call him A. He gets all my attention and love too,but the memories of my other cats have never diminished or faded.I would love to have a special place to bury them both (my mother has Tiki's ashes as she cared for him for some time until he passed) but I travelled so much that it was not practical. I don't have a family home as my mother could never afford it, and was a gypsy rarely growing roots. I never grew up with her, so our relationship is fragile at times, but I'm grateful to know her. And she has triumphed through much adversity and hardship.

It's really sweet and precious your mother felt that way; it sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents. I read recently about your father too.

Aww precious Toby and his doggie dreams. So cute. I wonder what he's barking at lol.

In response to: Struggling to Survive

Sans911Senior Contributor31 Aug 2017, 12:13 am AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Zoe7 in the short term Toby would probably be ok, but you don't know how he would affected if you weren't around anymore. He would need to be rejoined to an unfamiliar place without your smell and presence. His routines would change, he might get someone else who isn't as loving or kind. Animals are very sensitive to changes and it's often been shown that they suffer grief in a similar way to humans. And while Cat seems independent and indifferent as there are apt to be, they do get used to that one individual.

Even though I didn't have A very long, it also wasn't enough to stop my SA either. I hit him to give me purpose and meaning, but it too at that time seemed unimportant When I came out of hospital and as the days progressed since then, he has grown more trusting of me. He demands attention if I've gone even for a short time & will often stand on his back legs to get a nuzzle. And he has also progressed from the bottom of my bed to the bottom of my feet!

Don't underestimate animals and their connection to you.

In response to: Struggling to Survive

Sans911Senior Contributor31 Aug 2017, 12:25 am AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

Oh my I really need to proof read stuff better before I hit post. Dear me @Zoe7 you're a teacher, you must be horrified

In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive

Zoe7Senior Contributor31 Aug 2017, 12:30 am AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

I actually don't have a good relationship with my parents @Sans911 I love them both but so much of my heartache has been from their actions over the years.

My father was very violent when I was younger. I was the one who 'copped it' for may years as I would stand in between him, my mother and my sister when he became aggressive.

I did 'stand up to him' in my early 20's after he came home drunk one night. That was the last time he hit me as after he did I stood up to him again and told him that was the last time he would do that without any repercussions for him (ie police involvement). The next day he actually apologised - he had never done that before so I must have finally got through to him!

I know I have blamed my mother for not leaving him and for 'allowing' me to be in that position. I know in my head that that is an over simplification of the situation but in my heart I wanted to be protected by my mother and not me protecting her. That is a really hard mindset to change!

I know my mother loves me alot but there has always been that distance between us and she is very quick to judge. It doesn't seem to be the same with my sister - they are very close. I know the relationship between us is not eternally broken but I also know that the things that keep the distance between us is for my self-protection (and to a huge extent still protecting her).

I do know my little boy is very connected to me @Sans911 When we used to go to the beach he would run up ahead to play and every now and then he would stop, look back, make sure I was still there, then run again. If he felt threatened by another dog (or person) he would hide behind my legs. He really is the most beautiful little boy

If we proofread everything we posted here @Sans911 then it would take days for some of us to actually post anything lol - I have posted some strange words or phrases myself sometimes. It is like I say to my kids when they are writing - just write - don't worry about the spelling for now, that can be fixed later - it is the content/thoughts that is important and not that it is grammatically correct or every word is spelt correctly (that is what editing is for )

In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive

Zoe7Senior Contributor31 Aug 2017, 12:32 am AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Sans911 do you think @Fancy_Pants has gone to sleep? We seemed to have lost her.....

In response to: Struggling to Survive

Sans911Senior Contributor31 Aug 2017, 12:54 am AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Zoe7 I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your words and relationship with your parents. That is where our stability and grounding go come from; little wonder when that all go awry we have to deal without that safe, loving structure that messes us for much of our lives.

I understand about domestic violence but luckily (of you can call it that) not living with my mother exposed me to less of it. And yes, I totally get the protection issue, self preservation, guilt, blaming. You think you grow up and get on, but you are forever tainted by those experiences right?

My mother is also hypercritical and quick to offer opinions and judgements, especially about family. I know she feels responsible and needs to assert her ranking to be approved and validated, but she goes about it so wrong, and fails to see her own behaviour & how much it hurts people. We have disagreed awfully on certain things as she always seeking to be one up on the approval meter, and therefore will trample my needs and feelings to be better than me. I have refused to speak to her on many occasions. I'm getting better at setting boundaries in a way that protects me and still makes her feel ok. It's not easy at all. Most of my biological family are damaged in some way, but and while I love them because they are family, it's a very fine line I walk, to protect them and myself. These last two years have been incredibly difficult. I've never felt so incredibly alone & misunderstood as far as my MI is concerned.

You sound like an amazing teacher;I think your students were extremely fortunate to have you as their role model.

I know it's quite late where you are, so please let me know if you are tired and need to sleep. I do a a tendency to ramble, but it's actually nice to get to know and understand you better

In response to: Struggling to Survive

Sans911Senior Contributor31 Aug 2017, 1:07 am AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

@Zoe7 Naw, she knows you're supported (I hope I got that right) and have probably gone off to play Yahtzee. @Fancy_Pants no disrespect meant at all. I often wonder how you keep up with all the posts flying around the forums. It must be like an airport control terminal. Yep, shift that to runway 6; good for take off. Oh, we have wobbly landing gear on flight 256. Need back up and grounding. Lol @Zoe7 my mind takes me to very warped places.

In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive

Zoe7Senior Contributor31 Aug 2017, 1:10 am AEST

Re: Struggling to Survive

Not one bit tired here at all @Sans911 - this is generally my pattern - I have a couple of nights where I don't sleep or sleep very little with flashbacks and nightmares and then I am so exhausted that I will finally get a few hours sleep after a few days - last night and this morning I had a few hours sleep - so if the pattern continues (and it will) tonight will be a no-sleep night!

The stupid thing about me standing up to my father is that when I was in that same kind of relationship I couldn't stand up for myself then. So I can see partly why my mother never left but in my situation there were no children involved - I know it would have been a different story if that had been the case - that is why I do not understand why we weren't protected more.

My family still believe I am suffering from the post-virsal fatigue from the flu last year. They have no idea about my mental health - infact they have no idea about the trauma, PTSD etc. at all. I did not even disclose any of the trauma as a child or adult to anyone until late last year. I do wish every day that it was still locked away as I have found it so very hard to deal with. Once it was 'out' it became very real again. The catalyst was definitely the amount of time I had 'to think' when I was so ill last year. I went from working 18-20 hours a day (6 days a week - I would sleep on Saturdays!) to doing nothing at all - life hasa been so different since!!!!

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