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When life has no meaning, no purpose - it is a constant struggle to confront each new day and manage to ‘function’. Detachment from reality is my best defence. Without the emotional connections I am able to survive. The smallest of distractions can send me into a spiral that leads to unwanted and harmful thoughts. Feelings become amplified to the point of physical discomfort. The world closes in and seems to trap me in a never ending dark spiral. I can’t see the way out as I am tossed and turned, battered and bruised. The wounds are internalised and the struggle continues!
So I need to be alone as that is my only certainty for being safe – safe from disappointment, safe from conflict, safe from being let down, safe from violence, safe from further hurt. But when there are few distractions and your mind has time on its own to think, the freedom of space begins to close in. When you realise that the only people in the world that actually know you exist and care about you are the ones that you are isolating yourself from then the heartache and loneliness is magnified. If I was one cube of ice in an avalanche nobody would see me – it would make no difference if I were not there – the avalanche would continue regardless. I am one tiny, insignificant part of the universe that would soon be forgotten – in the wider scheme of life – I may as well not exist!
@Sans911 love your airport analogy - made me giggle lol
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Zoe7 I can still sit with you a bit longer yet. It doesn't matter in DV if you have children or not. You get suckered into the validation and approval of someone who loves you, yet abuses you. You believe no one else will love you for you are unworthy and you doubt your own strengths to leave and love again. You've heard of the saying 'better the devil you know'?
Yes, I too locked away my disjointed, traumatic childhood experiences until a work breakdown 2years ago. It was bound to happen sooner or later as I was already unravelling before that. My career was supposed to my saviour to make my life better. It was something I initially wasn't too bad at. But struggled terribly from the start with injuries, bullying, self doubt, and way too high expectations of myself. Then my career became my internal nightmare, finally spilling out externally when I could no longer hold it in. I don't know what to do anymore, it's all I've known for 22 years. And now it's also being further eroded by my MI. The same hospitals I work at are where I'm also treated as a patient who mind is broken down and irrational at worst. So I'm judged incapable and unsafe as a practitioner and questioned whether I should be employed. I'm thankful and grateful I work for an agency, and I still have choices. But it's hard to be judged by people I previously respected.
A has decided its play time at this hour. So he's after my socks, his toy mouse and anything else under the bed that he has deposited and left.
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
I was too scared to leave @Sans911 I honestly did not know what he would do if I did. So yes - it was 'better the devil you know'
I think the high expectations we have of ourselves are both our own ways to cope and to have some control over our own lives. In reality these expectations are often unattainable - at the very least unsustainable - and eventually something has 'to give'. For us tht is our mental health and our capacity to function 'normally'!
What is your occupation @Sans911? I'm intrigued now
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Zoe7 I'm a registered nurse. I've worked mostly in critical care, like in emergency, ICU, Cardiac but I've always enjoyed variety so I've done lots of different fields and jobs, travelled remotely as well as the world and lived overseas. Also volunteered in 3rd world countries. It's been an amazing career at times, other times I have wanted the world to swallow me whole. I live for my patients, who are my existence and purpose. But my career has become a chore now, a way to make good money. Patients have higher expectations and lower tolerance levels, my role has been broken down into lists and tasks, and my colleagues are tired and frustrated.
Yes, you are so right. By expecting more and more of myself, i pushed those in control buttons to the limit. And then I broke them, which broke me. Now with my MI I expect too much again. I expect this level of recovery at this time, I expect to be getting this level of support, I expect this level of response and care, and so it goes on. I'm slowly learning to expect less, and just let things be. On the positive side if this though (is there such a thing in MI?) is my determination to seek out those expectations and search for the right, adequate support, to hassle people for better provision of care, to complain of the lack of services. I hope when I see the other side of this mess, I can advocate for better service provision, and effective, supportive practices. Ho-hum I'll get down from my soapbox now.
And my MI experience has given me more empathy and greater compassion to patients in similar situations. That helps them and me. In many ways. Doesn't stop them throwing things at me, but I generally have good reflexes!
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
Wow @Sans911 you have had a amazing career - very impressive indeed
You know - your job is not dissimilar to mine (if I ever get back there!). My job has become more to do with 'paperwork' than time with the kids. There are so many checks and balances that 'the powers that be' have forgotten what is central to our role as a teacher - and that is knowing, understanding and motivating our kids to be the best that they can be in whatever they want to do. The 'paperwork' is by no means difficult - it is just too time consuming. I don;t need to record every little 'incident' in the classroom to know what has happened. I would rather talk to the kids involved - let them sort it out between themselves and be the mediator rather than the recorder - and we wonder why the communication and problem solving skills are so lacking with kids these days!!!!!!!
I do miss my job but I have to be realistic and know that (apart from my physical inability to do anything) I am in no position to even consider returning to work for quite some time - especially since most days I still think about ways I can successfully end my life!
It really is a double-edged sword though - I can't work so feel completely useless, and the more useless I feel the less chance there is I can work!
...and btw - stay on your soapbox - I think it is wonderful that you have seen the system from both sides and want to be such a strong advocate for change - you certainly have my support there
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Sans911 I'm really sorry but I am going to need to go - feeling really sick again. Thankyou for keeping me company tonight - it has been really lovely chatting to you
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Zoe7 my friend was a nurse first and then a teacher. So she often talk about the challenges of both careers which are similar. I agree that the paperwork is not difficult but takes time away from what's important. I mean, do I really need a peice of paper to tell my supervisors I've checked my patient every hour? That they have their water jug nearby, they have their bell(yes, some patients I would like to remove this from them), that they have adequate pain relief and are comfortable? Seriously? You can't make this stuff up? I wouldn't dream of not checking my patients hourly, particularly the ones I care for are acutely unwell & I know how quickly they can look ok one min and not the next. I got a university degree, but I didn't let it go to my head like some nurses do. I treated my degree as background knowledge, and learnt to care for patients by hands on observations, listening and watching the leaders. And trusting my intuitive ability that said something doesn't add up or feel right.
I've continued to work even when sometimes I probably shouldn't. And work issues have triggered anxiety and depression episodes. But I've been backed into a corner financially, to the point I was a step away from being homeless. Thankfully I've had a little support from a dear friend. And I have a house mate who is almost perfect. She is quiet, private and not intrusive or judgemental plus her portion of rent helps keeping me head above water.
I don't know in Tassie if your ambulance service is free, but here in my city it is not. It's nearly 1000 per trip! And so I now have 5 of those lovely accounts to pay.
Yes, I will keep on my soapbox about MI because far too many sufferers have little to no voice. And for too long mh services get little attention from government as they don't make money; they are a huge drain on taxes. Especially BPD.
How are you doing now @Zoe7? Are you feeling a little better from our distractions.I may need to sleep soon as my physical pain is ramping up. And I'm sleep deprived too. I cope very poorly without sleep. My back and leg pain is a prime example of how my body doesn't cope.
Wow I just thought too what a pile of of reading @Faith-and-Hope will have to contend with. I enjoy everyone's stories, relationships and experiences. They are the same but so different and individual. I cheer for the good moments, sometimes I cry in despair and helplessness. I worry about certain people; especially if they are 'missing'. I realise from these forums and through social media how so many people with MI are extraordinary people who are incredibly special. They have keys so much to offer.
I will wait to see your response to make sure you're going to be alright (of sorts although I know your hours alone are challenging) before I log out.
Take care special lady. Thank you for our chat. I hope it has been useful for you. I've learnt and enjoyed this immensely. Hugs to you, Toby and Cat
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Sans911 I hope you saw my post about logging off and didn't wait for a response - argh!
I am a little better this morning - still feeling unwell but not as bad as I was earlier this morning. I have my GP appointment today so I will be able to get some pain relief.
The ambulance service is free in Tassie (for now anyway). Having such huge bills would not be helping you financially at all - I am really struggling with what I am receiving atm and it is a major worry being sble to make ends meet - and pay for meds and other bills at the same time. I am really lucky that my chemist will hold over payment now until I get payed but I know every month I have a huge bill to pay there - not ideal but is necessary.
I enjoyed our conversation last night immensely also and it was a much needed distraction - got through another night!
I hope your pain has subsided today - I can certainly empathise with the pain and lack of sleep having such an effect on our MH an vice versa!
@Faith-and-Hope should have enough reading to keep her going all day today lol - but I suspect it will be a good distraction for her!
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
🤗💕@Zoe7@Sans911 ....
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Faith-and-Hope@Zoe7 Morning you two lovelies. Faith I have seen you've been doing it especially tough recently. I'm amazed at your composure but I can see you're struggling to hold everything together. I don't have anything to say that @Zoe7 has offered already but to say I'm sorry for your struggles and I hope in time you will be heard and validated & respected for your strength
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