Struggling to Survive

{Wanders in with a gift for @Zoe7}. I was going to give you this last night but I know lots of things trigger you and thus I was worried about doing so. However, I saw you mention out on the ocean that you liked the song, so here is your very own copy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF7yFOlOk9M

By the way, it was @Maggie who told me about Shaina Noll yesterday. Yay for Maggie.

awwww thanks little turtle - a song AND a personally gift wrapped and delivered @Phoenix_Rising

That there is some special attention (you know it's coming don't you - look away now if you don't want to see it )

I was just going to post something but now I don't have any words - I don't even know how I feel anymore. I am so tired and can't think tonight. This sucks! Please no-one respond to this - there is nothing anyone can say that will help me tonight!

Beaten, battered, bruised, broken. Unable to find my voice, no-one to hear anyway.

Sinking deeper into despair, locked inside my own pain.

This is all I have, this is all I am. Lost, hopeless, defeated.

No way out, no light to see.

As the darkness descends, hope is gone!

I tried to sleep but the memories came flooding back. These feelings are breaking me. They are so intense and so painful that all I want is for them to stop. I can see only one way for this to happen because I cannot continue to 'live' like this. I need to sleep and I need not to wake up. The nightmares are so real again that I wake not knowing where I am. My heart races and I cannot breath. The fear remains until I realise where I am and I try to tell myself that I am safe now... but I don't feel safe. I don't feel alive, I don't feel hope! I am drowning and I have no energy left to even float. This time I am sinking so fast I don't think I will be able to find the strength to keep swimming. I will keep descending until I reach the ocean floor and there I will wait for the inevitable - for the darkness outside and the darkness within to unite as one and I will be at peace.

Hi @Zoe7 I'm going to send you through an email to check in with you

LouLouMagoo

Swimming beside you @Zoe7 Cant find words of comfort, hearing you, listening and not letting go.

Since I found out Monday that my GP is changing practices I have gone through alot of different emotions.

At first I think I was in shock and couldn't quite believe that the one stable thing in my life was going to change. Monday night I some how managed to get through but I really do believe it was more adrenalin and shock than anything else.

Tuesday it all started to hit hard. The whole day was a complete blur. I know I slept on and off and felt really unwell. I did manage to ring the new practice (my GP gave me the details) - which was by no means easy - and organised an appointment for next Monday. Then the day deteriorated as it went. By nightime I was more anxious than I have been for many weeks. Usually it is the depression and PTSD that take over at night but the increased anxiety returned profoundly.

I honestly could not see myself getting through the night and had plans ready so I wouldn't. But I did get through - I think purely out of exhaustion more than design!

Wednesday the anxiety continued. I did see my GP and we talked a little about the move. She told me she had already talked to the office staff and that my appointment for Monday was definite. That was good but then, as I was leaving, two of the office staff came up to me to say goodbye (they won't be there on Friday). That was enough for me to 'lose it' and I cried all the way home.

I had my plans already and just wanted to sleep, forget and not deal with any of this anymore. By late afternoon I had had enough of feeling so hopeless and sick and honestly could not see that any of this was ever going to change. I ended up sleeping for nearly 9 hours - I did wake up - but I didn't want to and had planned not to!

People can say that is gets better, or it just takes time, or things will change, etc. but I have been in this same place for so long now I just can't see it. Living with this pain - mental and physical - every day and even worse at night - is not only debilitating but soul destroying. I did not have much of a life before I became ill but now I have even less - how does one keep going when the pain is so great that you can't function with even the simplest of tasks. I honestly do not know.

So at the moment I am trying to survive minute by minute and hour by hour - that is as far ahead as I can look. The darkness which surrounds me is also within me and I feel the switch to shine any light in my life has gone!

One more day of time lost - one more night of darkness to come - just more of this nightmare that is my life to endure!