Struggling to Survive

How does trauma affect you? In every way possible. I can’t stand crowds or noise or bright light. I feel uncomfortable in a room of strangers, but even more uncomfortable in a room with people I know. This may sound strange to most people but it has always been people I know that have caused my pain and I am very defensive in these situations. I don’t suffer fools easily and have little tolerance for those who talk for the sake of talking or who cannot adequately and succinctly make their point. I have no time for those who boast about themselves, particularly at the expense of others, and believe that they are superior in some way. This may be why I defend those who cannot defend themselves and will go to great lengths to make sure that they have a voice – even if it comes through me. Has this caused me even more pain in my life – YES but that has also had its own reward! The gratitude that comes from those that find it difficult to voice their own feelings or concerns is reward enough. The ability to ‘stand up’ for those who cannot stand up for themselves is central to how I have lived my life. But now when I need someone to ‘stand up‘ for me, to help me out of my own struggles – I cannot voice what is really happening and therefore cannot ask anyone for help.

My life has been turned into a continuous nightmare. Each day is swallowed whole by the memories and the pain. Everywhere are reminders, triggers, memories best forgotten – but I can no longer lock these away and forget – they are too present and too painful. Every day I want to end the pain, every day I wish for the end to come – but I do not have the strength to end it. I am in constant physical and mental pain – there is no light, no hope that I can see, and no way out of this torturous life. I no longer believe everything happens for a reason – what reason could there possibly be for one to endure such pain!

I want to believe that all that I have been through is just a dream and that I will wake up and have a different life – but I know that is not true. I want to believe that there is a way through this but it does not get any better with each passing day. I am stuck in the darkness with no sign of any light. I am in a constant nightmare that has been my life. I do not know how I have survived and I do not know how much more I can take. This is not living – it isn’t even existing anymore – it has gone beyond that now – this has to end!

I hear you @Zoe7. Standing with you.

Hugzz @Zoe7 be strong, spring is on the way ❤❤❤

@Maggie @Phoenix_Rising @Former-Member

I haven't responded to your previous posts but I know you all understand!

It was another really hard night and today isn't much better. I am really trying to keep my head above water. I have slept on and off for the last few days - with a little help! I made it to the chemist to get my meds for the week and have put most of them in a place that would take too much effort to get to in the middle of the night when I am 'not doing so well'! I hope this will deter me from doing exactly what I want to do in those hard times.

@Phoenix_Rising still 100% survival rate here - but every day is feeling like that will not continue for long! What will be will be!

@Zoe7@We do understand. Just breathing at the moment is a huge step forward. I know it's out of your control. I don't want to say much as you are very weak and need all your energy. Just rest if you can. Sending special thoughts your way. You are doing well.

At least my breathing has improved @Maggie - that is the only thing that has I nearly fell in the chemist when I got out of the chair - my legs wouldn't work!!I am so weak and it is adding to my stress (and distress). I am still getting excruciating pain when I eat and that adds so much to my emotional pain! i can't win - pain if I eat and even weaker when I don't ...and that is the least of my concerns atm.

I knew this was going to be an extra tough week but my physical health is making it even harder to get through - I can't do anything to distract myself at all - I just don't have the energy. This is so hard (harder than I can even put into words) and I really am wishing for this all to end - in one way or another!

@Zoe7 I know you are in so much pain, more than anyone should ever know. Can you get some drinks already made up? The smoothie kind with vegs and fruit. Could someone get some from the supermarket for you. They are at lease something, even some chocolate for a bit of energy. Anything you feel you could keep down. We are here with you @Zoe7, I know it's not much, but we all really care very much. Is Toby with you? Sometimes I just smell my girls coat, it's comforting in a strange kind of way. Thinking of you.

It is tough enough trying to get through this week then you get blindsided by something else. I am finding being on here is both what I need to stay safe tonight but very wary of triggers that could send me over the edge as well. I am not sure what is best or what to do. I can't articulate exactly how I am feeling or what is going on for me at present. The emotional pain has become very physical tonight - just to add to how physically unwell I have been for many weeks now. I want to stop feeling, stop thinking, stop existing. I want the memories and the pain to go away and I want some kind of life worth living. But I can't see that ever happening - and I know that through all my struggles and fighting to survive I am worn out - I can't see any hope - and the sadest thing about this is that if I cease to exist while feeling this way then THEY WIN!