Struggling to Survive

Hi @Zoe7

I have been thinking of you and wondering how your day went.

hello my sister @Zoe7, sending you lots of hugs

Hi my sis @Shaz51

How was your day?

Sending you lots of love and hugs...

@Zoe7 - thinking of you

hellllooooo my sister @oceangirl , how are you today xoxo

You are soooooooo loved @Zoe7 and you deserve every little bit and more.

My day was good, I went out to lunch with a few friends, it was nice @Shaz51

Hi @Zoe7, I'm just dropping by to remind you that I am still right here and that you are not alone.

It has been a couple of days since I have posted here - really have not been up to it. How am I doing? I really don't know. One minute I am 'getting by' and the next I want it to all end again. I can switch so quickly - and be triggered by the smallest things! I am finding my dreams/nightmares are still distorting my sense of reality. I don't know what is real and what is a dream most nights. my sleep has not gotten any better and I have felt for a while that my depression has significantly worsened. Every day I am fighting against thoughts that are unhealthyand would be very final. I have also begun to make plans and think of alternative ways to carry them out. At the moment they are just plans - but they are there. Most days I sit doing nothing and when I can't move properly - so that adds to my frustrations and then in turn I want a way out - and the cycle continues.

I have spent alot of time this last week thinking about my ex partner and what he put me through. I find it so difficult to reconcile with myself how I let this happen for so long - and how totally controlled by him I was - and how much I lived in fear everyday. I still wish he had 'finished' the job and I was not here. I still wish my unsuccessful attempts to end it myself had succeeded. I still don't want to continue to live with this pain and I still can't see it abating in the future.

The memories/flashbacks are magnified when my childhood abuse is thrown into the mix. I truly do not know how I have survived this long but I am so very tired of trying to figure any of it out.

As usual - if I slept tonight and did not wake up it would be a blessing - this constant pain (physical and mental) would be over. That is not likely to happen but I continue to wish it would.

There is nothing anyone can say to change what I am feeling - it is what it is!

...and if I get through tonight then it will continue the same tomorrow - and the next day...

and the misery that is my life goes on!!!!

@Zoe7 There is nothing I can say that will ease the pain, I know that one so well, but I will stand beside you no matter what. I know that changes nothing, nor helps in any way, but it is all I have. There are times words and actions mean nothing at the time, it's later, sometimes, they do. I care even though I know you can't care for yourself right now.