I am actually going to try and find the words to write how I have been and what I have been feeling lately.
I am going through a very hard period in my life. Not only am I still really struggling with Chronic PTSD, Anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder but my physical health has been severely affected. My eyesight is deteriorating, my IBS symptoms are severe, I have a persistent sore throat and difficulty breathing (although that is more under control at present), my nose is constantly blocked and as a result my mouth and throat become very dry and sore. I have extreme stomach aches when I eat - to the point where I can feel all the blood rush out of my extremities and to my stomach and bowel - and as a result I have fainted from the pain twice in the last week! My whole body aches and doing the smallest of tasks is exhausting. It takes me several slow steps when I stand to be able to walk properly (but relatively slowly). Then there are the constant waves of nausea!
So what feeds what? It is all a constant cycle - where there is no way to win. The sicker and more exhausted I become - the more depressed I become. The worse my PTSD becomes - the greater the depression - and the greater my anxiety increases - the greater my depression and PTSD become... and the more I suffer from all three of these the further my physical wellbeing is compromised.
What has led to where I am now? That is an easy question to answer - years of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) and years of feeling numb, hopeless and worthless.
Why is it so very hard right now? This is the week that changed my life forever. Instead of looking to the future - I wondered every day how I was still alive. All this time later I still cannot believe I survived and still wish I hadn't. The pain is so great. Every night I dread going to bed, falling asleep, the constant flashbacks and nightmares, the feeling that I cannot breathe and the physical pain that I endured.
I cannot listen to music and one of my favourite songs I can no longer hear as that was the last thing he sang to me that night before I slept ...and I slept for the first time not fearing him - feeling like we had reached a mutual resolution to finally go our separate ways. But that soon proved to be 'too easy'. I woke feeling so much pain and being unable to breathe. I don't know what happened next because I lost consciousness - and I am of the belief that that may have been a good thing. There are times when I think it may be better to know than to not know but I actually do not think I could handle it!
After nearly 9 years of 'putting up with' the physical, emotional and sexual abuse - I often feel now that dying would have been a blessing. But while I was in that 'relationship' I learnt very quickly to numb my feelings and hide the abuse to be able to get through. I definitely was a high achiever - and any sense of self-esteem I gained through the things I achieved was quickly squashed by how I was treated. Why didn't I 'get out' sooner - I didn't feel like I had any choice - and my earlier abuse as a child and as a teenager had taught me to comply or risk further pain - I had learnt this behaviour from a young age and it was constantly re-inforced with all my subsequent 'relationships' (friends, family, strangers...).
So where does all this leave me now?
I am broken. I am exhausted. I am lost. I am alone. The pain I feel (physical and mental) is constant. It doesn't go away it just has degrees of intensity. I feel physically ill when I have the flashbacks. I wake from the nightmares often not knowing where I am - am I back there unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to stop the pain - or am I 'imagining' it all.
Then there are the memories of when I was younger and those from when I was a teenager. They all intertwine into one at times and this leaves me feeling so ill, so low and so hopeless that the only thing on my mind becomes a way out of this pain permanently.
It is no wonder I do not want to continue to live as I am - no-one would! I really do see the only way for me to escape this nightmare of a life I am in is to end my life on my terms. That would be my choice - and I believe I have the right to choose whether I live or die.There is not much more I can take in my life anymore - I am so totally teetering on the edge - so if you look into the sky and see a tiny turquoise butterfly disappearing into the horiszon - then maybe that is me - finally being set free!
