Struggling to Survive

Sending warm thoughts @Zoe7

Good Morning @Maggie - sending you back all the love and caring you send to others

@Former-Member You made my day today with your post, Thankyou.

@Zoe7 I really hope, sincerely, that I'm not annoying you. If I am, just let me know, gently though.

I know what a free falling pit is like, and then finally you hit the bottom, only to find there is a level below. It's scary and lonely. You can feel like you have been left behind. Everyone else seems to be doing it better than you. You lose yourself. It will get better, slowly. You will throw another sane online party, bringing smiles and joy everywhere.

Some things I've found helpful when I dissociate is to put my face and hand on a window and feel the cool smooth surface. I also run my feet from carpet to Lino and feel the difference in texture and temperature. My favourite is going outside with bare feet on the wet cold grass, sometimes it's frosty and freezing. It gives me a sense of reality.

I think of you often throughout the day, as so many others do also. Sending some warm wishes your way as night falls again. Keep safe @Zoe7

The darkness continues and I have little concept of what is real and what isn't! I am not sure anymore what I am 'dreaming' or what is real. 'Events' of the past are intertwining and I can't find a way out of this nightmare. I do not know what day it is unless I look it up. Time passes and is lost without noticing. Each day is like the one before and each night continues to be filled with fear and memories I want to forget. I feel so totally alone and hopeless. I have no desire to go out, to do anything or to live past each moment I am in. If this is where it ends then it would be a relief. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to really live for! I may sound like a broken record - but these feelings are persistent and debilitating - and destroying both my mind and body rapidly.

I cannot escape the continuous flashbacks and the horrific feelings that are present when they come. I feel as if I am going through all the trauma again and again - and I need it to stop! What is even more disconcerting is the combination of certain traumatic events being blended in with other random times in my life and increasing my anxiety and fears in what should be normal everyday events. I am lost in a reality where I do not know what is real. My whole existence has become a living nightmare with no escape - and I fear the only way to stop my pain and to end my suffering permanently is by taking the road that I cannot come back from. Am I there yet? NO! Am I getting closer and closer with each passing day? YES! Is it a distinct possiblity that this time will approach sooner rather than later? Definitely! Each day we 'live' is a day closer to the end - and that may be a day that I choose for no other reason than I am done with the fight! What will be will be...

@Zoe7 I know the nightmares and the mingling of reality and unreality, the desire for it all to stop, the hell. When the cord that holds you is so fragile, but it is still there, we are all here for you. You are not alone. @Zoe7 I will sit with you if it helps. Believe what we tell you not the voices from the past or the lies going through your head. We are real. We care. Repeat.. We are real...we care.

Hi @Zoe7

You are not in a good place tonight, the flashbacks and distressing feelings sound very hard to bear, and I can understand you feeling despair and that you want it all to end.

I wonder what support and treatment you are getting at the moment? Is there anyone you can call tomorrow and book an appt for this week? How about tonight? Are you going to be safe?

I know things are very hard for you but please call a support person tonight if you are spiralling down. You will know the helpline numbers. Also you can keep chatting to us on Sane. You are very important to us here.

Take care,

Frog

@Zoe7 🌹💕💜🤗xxxxxxx - alway here for you.

Good morning @Zoe7,

Another night is over and a new day has dawned. I felt bad last night that I "liked" your post without responding. I was in bed and super sleepy, so I didn't have the brain power to respond - but I wanted you to know that I had heard you.

I hate to see how much you are struggling and how it seems to be getting tougher by the day. I so badly wish there was something more I could do than simply sit with you in the darkness.