Struggling to Survive

Thinking of you @Zoe7

@Maggie @Phoenix_Rising I don't know how to keep going. I am spending more and more time staring at the walls, not moving, trying so hard not to think or feel. Every night is hard - there has been no respite for weeks. The meds eventually help me to sleep but the nightmares persist. Before I sleep I only have some relief from my thoughts with extra meds (and I can't take them long-term). My whole day revolves around what times I take meds. The rest of the day I am either laying down or staring at the walls. I have no interest in, or energy for, anything. I have no energy or strength to do even simple things. My life is one continuous nightmare and I seem to be going backwards. Even getting sleep isn't helping because I fall asleep in fear and wake up the same way. How do you keep going when there is nothing to live for? I really do not know anymore!

Hi @Zoe7,

I hate that you seem to be going backwards @Zoe7. You know I super care about you, right? I know that you have extremely gigantic fears around the idea of being in hospital, but I am wondering if it might be helpful?

I know that you can move beyond where you are right now. I know that even the deepest most awful muddles can be unmuddled with the right support, and I am wondering if right now the right support might be a bit of time in hospital? I have totally heard how distressing the idea of hospital is for you, but things seem so dark and so unabating for you. What do you think?

@Phoenix_Rising I either get through this somehow on my own or I don't. Hospital is NOT an option - it would certainly be the end!

@Zoe7 I can hear that hospital is simply not an option for you. I truly hope you are able to get through it on your own. I feel frustrated on your behalf that things don't seem to be moving in the right direction for you. I super hope your GP and psychiatrist are able to come up with something to help ease your distress super soon.

Saw my GP today @Former-Member @Phoenix_Rising. My psychiatrist is away until next week and my last session with my psychologist is what has set this downward spiral in motion - so haven't been back to her. This is when 'everything' became so very real altogether and that has been unbearable for the majority of the time (especially nights). The 'suffering' that has always been 'just under the surface' and very segmented is now very visible and combined together. The more I 'remember' the more 'real' it all becomes. And the more I 'find out' the more I want to disappear! I don't even want to be on here atm but I don't have any other options to help me get through this part of the night. This is the time that I wait for the meds to work (sometimes they don't) and struggle to get through without doing anything that would end the pain. I don't want to be continually saying the same things here - even though nothing seems to be changing - and I don't want to be continuing to struggle on my own either - so where does that leave me? Seems to be inbetween a rock and a hard place - an still in total darkness!

@Zoe7 It makes me so cranky that a psychologist could do this much harm.

I am starting to get super sleepy and I'm scared I'll say something stupid if I keep posting with my sleepy brain. I am super glad that there are a lot of night owls around here to keep you company through the night.

I can only imagine how awful things are for you @Zoe7. I recognise that I am blessed in that even in my darkest times, I have always been able to sleep pretty well. Even when (A) caused so much chaos a couple of months ago, the only-in-emergencies medication helped negate that chaos so that I could still sleep. I so badly wish you could likewise get a peaceful night's sleep.

I do too @Phoenix_Rising I don't blame the psychologist - neither of us had any idea where this would lead! We both knew that after each session I was quite distressed - that is why I always had a GP appointment but that last session Pandora's Box opened - not just opened but exploded - and there has been no way of finding all the pieces to be able to put it back together - let alone retrieve it's contents and encase it back in the box again! I have taken some extra meds already tonight and will have a few more soon - then I hope I can follow you into sleep.