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When life has no meaning, no purpose - it is a constant struggle to confront each new day and manage to ‘function’. Detachment from reality is my best defence. Without the emotional connections I am able to survive. The smallest of distractions can send me into a spiral that leads to unwanted and harmful thoughts. Feelings become amplified to the point of physical discomfort. The world closes in and seems to trap me in a never ending dark spiral. I can’t see the way out as I am tossed and turned, battered and bruised. The wounds are internalised and the struggle continues!
So I need to be alone as that is my only certainty for being safe – safe from disappointment, safe from conflict, safe from being let down, safe from violence, safe from further hurt. But when there are few distractions and your mind has time on its own to think, the freedom of space begins to close in. When you realise that the only people in the world that actually know you exist and care about you are the ones that you are isolating yourself from then the heartache and loneliness is magnified. If I was one cube of ice in an avalanche nobody would see me – it would make no difference if I were not there – the avalanche would continue regardless. I am one tiny, insignificant part of the universe that would soon be forgotten – in the wider scheme of life – I may as well not exist!
My life has no meaning and I see no hope. Am I safe tonight - maybe! Would I end it if I could - Yes. I don't even want to reach out for support as that would only make me feel like I am taking up time from someone who could be helping someone else. So this is not a post asking for responses or for any support - it is just me telling it how it is - just me trying to make sense of where I am at and how I really feel. I can't continue to exist as I am because there is no joy, no happiness and no peace in my life. Every minute of every day I am consumed by pain. I do not know how I have gotten through any of the trauma I have faced in my life. The only times I have felt safe since I was 9 years old have been when I have been in a dissociative state - that is happening more and more these days - it begins with unimaginable pain and ends with the same. My body and my mind have been beaten - both physically and metaphorically. The scars of the past are the reminders today of how mistreated and devalued I have been throughout my life. There are things that I could never have done because of the abuse - and so much I have lost as a result! I do not have the will or energy to keep trying to go on - what will be will be. It is my hope that I can fade into the darkness that is suffocating me and disappear forever. Is this likely - no, but would I welcome it if it happened - yes. I am struggling more than I can explain here and it is completely destroying me - I am so lost, so alone and so unhappy - and so very, very tired. This life that I am living is so empty and I have no hope of that changing - so I continue to simply 'exist' each day and hope that my pain will end - it whatever form that takes - then I will be free.
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
I hear you @Zoe7, and relate to much of what you say, well a big part of me anyway, that I'm able to keep under wraps mostly atm, but its still there do feel that pain when I read your words. I am hoping you will recover, that the pain will stop, that you will not always be alone, that 'it' will not completely destroy you that... ... I am hopeful. I'm not fully sure of your circumstances but can you get away, outbof town for a couple of weeks, have a holiday? Maybe we can plan that, have something to look fwd to can help. Even in noticing the little things inside a day, like how warm the coffee mug is when you sip that first morning coffee and the smell of fresh coffee beans... They are ',grounding' exercises, so sime but effective. Hang in there, don't give up ♨🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷💞
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
MaggieSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Zoe7 If you were to read my diary you would read word for word what you have written, not the slightest bit of exaggeration. I am sorry, so sorry for all that is happening to you and would take some of your pain if I could, but I can't. Please keep going. I have seen grey skies that have been an easing of the darkness, blue is beyond my reach at the moment. There are many here who deeply love and care for you, try to rest in that for now. Listening and deeply caring.
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
Good morning @Zoe7, @Maggie
All I have to offer is a greeting of 'Good Morning', recognition of your existence and to let you know I've thought of you. It's not much, but it's yours
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
Hi @Zoe7,
I am just swinging by to let you know that I am thinking of you as yet another day draws to an end and night descends. I know that you know there is nothing I can say or do to make your tortuous situation any less painful, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
Thinking of you too @Zoe7. We will get through these struggles together. Please know you are not alone in your pain 💜🌹🤗💕xxxx
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