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When life has no meaning, no purpose - it is a constant struggle to confront each new day and manage to ‘function’. Detachment from reality is my best defence. Without the emotional connections I am able to survive. The smallest of distractions can send me into a spiral that leads to unwanted and harmful thoughts. Feelings become amplified to the point of physical discomfort. The world closes in and seems to trap me in a never ending dark spiral. I can’t see the way out as I am tossed and turned, battered and bruised. The wounds are internalised and the struggle continues!
So I need to be alone as that is my only certainty for being safe – safe from disappointment, safe from conflict, safe from being let down, safe from violence, safe from further hurt. But when there are few distractions and your mind has time on its own to think, the freedom of space begins to close in. When you realise that the only people in the world that actually know you exist and care about you are the ones that you are isolating yourself from then the heartache and loneliness is magnified. If I was one cube of ice in an avalanche nobody would see me – it would make no difference if I were not there – the avalanche would continue regardless. I am one tiny, insignificant part of the universe that would soon be forgotten – in the wider scheme of life – I may as well not exist!
That's kind of where I am really stuck @Former-Member - I have even lost interest/motivation/energy in trying. Even the simple things like keeping the house tidy I sit and think 'why bother'.
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
This constant cycle of being unwell, added meds, feeling sicker while adjusting to them, not being able to sleep, negative thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares and physical pain is all leading to one place - and I don't know how to stop it. The more tired I become - the more likely I am to give up completely. I am struggling to get through each day- it is so hard to physically do anything and mentally I am seriously suffering. Each minute of each hour I am trying so hard to 'shut down' my mind so I don't 'think'. I try to avoid any possible triggers but they seem to be everywhere! How can I go from seeming to be ok one minute to completely anxious and distressed the next minute. This is so cruel - and so very, very difficult to 'live' with. I really do wish it would stop but I fear the only way this will happen is if I no longer exist - how do you keep trying to 'live' when this is your reality? At present I do not have anything to live for, no reason to continue to try to get through each day - so I merely 'exist' because I do!
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Zoe7 oh how my heart aches for your suffering which is indeed cruel and punishing. No one should have to bear this, and from what little I know of you, you are one of the bravest, sweetest person around. 💕💕 it probably sounds so bloody hollow, but know that this too shall pass. When that will be is out of our control, but know too that are much loved by so many who sit here beside you, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. We will be the strength when you have none, the courage to breathe one more breath, and the will when there is no more left.
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
Big Hug @Zoe7, 💜💜💜💕
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Sans911@Former-Member Another really tough night! I actually made it to bed eventually but that was a mistake - so back on the couch and trying to sleep when I can today. I wanted to go out of the house today but that won't happen now - feeling too unwell and definitely shouldn't drive! I didn't know what day it was again this morning - each day still seems to be running into the next. My sense of reality is definitely distorted. I am having longer periods where I don't know what is real and what is not - the flashbacks and nightmares are not helping!!!!! Neither is feeling so unwelll constantly! I am so very lost and alone in this world at the moment and nothing seems to be helping. One more day to get through - that is all I can do!
In response to: Struggling to Survive
PepsimaxSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
Thinking of you @Zoe7 just one step at a time😍💕💙
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
It is that time of night again when the whole world seems to close in on me and all I can see is darkness. I am still physically very unwell and that is definitely feeding into my mental state. As if all the usual negative thoughts and feelings aren't enough now I am trying to deal with flashbacks that seem to be several things intertwined. It is completely distorting my sense of reality again and my mind is so foggy I can't make any sense of it all - I don't even have the energy to try. The nightmares last night were horrible - but that is nothing new! What is new is how 'present' they have been during the day - I haven't been able to shake them off and now it is dark again! Distractions worked for a short time but now I don't have the energy to even try. I am nauseous, aching, in pain and my head feels like it is full of water. I am done crying - there is nothing left. I am done trying to beat this - it is too hard. I am done being awake - I just want to sleep (peacefully). I am done being in so much pain - I don't deserve it. There is nothing left for me to do - I have done everything asked of me and still I am in this horrible dark and painful place. I just need sleep and to stop thinking and to feel better - but that is unlikely to happen - so what is the alternative? I know what that is and am so much closer to making it a reality because I cannot do this much longer!
In response to: Struggling to Survive
PepsimaxSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
You need to keep going @Zoe7 if not for yourself for all of us I would miss you terribly and you know I don't do grief well please stay with us
In response to: Struggling to Survive
Unknown userMember
Re: Struggling to Survive
Hi @Zoe7, I hear you, it sounds so very hard. You said: - the whole world closing in - darkness closing - still physically unwell (nauseous, aches & pain, head full of water... - sickness compounding MI - flashbacks intertwining - distorted sense of reality - foggy mind - confused - no energy to try. - nightmares (play on your mind all day) - dry tears
Thinking (telling self) - there's nothing left - done trying - too hard - want to sleep (peacefully). - done being in pain - nothing left for me - tried everything - unlikely to ever feel better - cannot do this much longer! - looking for way out - suicidal thoughts
Need to: - stop the thoughts - feel better
If I was thinking those thoughts I would want it all to end too. Distraction is the key, even if its little projects, things to do. I bore easy so have to have several things on the go to bounce off. Being creative is good in the sense that its good to see finished creations "I did that" is good for self esteem. Do you have any fav 'feel good' movies. Sometimes I watch the same ones over and over, for company mainly, as I do other things. Works for me. .
Night is your hardest time, I hear that, so self care your feathered nest and nestle in for the night, bunker down like birds fo - the sun will come - it always passes. But i don't want to negate your suffering Zoe7 (for I've been there and know its very real), just reminding you of alternatives. Hang in there, your best days are ahead of you. 🌷🌿
In response to: Re: Struggling to Survive
JoseJonesSenior Contributor
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Zoe7, so sorry to hear of your continuing struggles. The worst is when you just want to switch your mind off and sleep and even that's not possible. It sounds like you feel as if nothing is working and it's hard to find a way out. I'm just wondering if there's any clues from the past that may help? Have you experienced pain like this before? What has worked in the past?
If the suicidald thoughts continue, I want to urge you to call Lifeline on 131114, as well as the Suicide Callback Service on 1300 659 467.
When the darkness descends, it might help you orient yourself to have someone to talk to on the phone?
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