Struggling to Survive

It feels a bit like that for me too @Phoenix_Rising - I am at a stage where I have nothing left to say and nothing seems to be helping. I even tried to do a crossword with Faith-and-Hope - and guess what - I couldn't even solve one word - how useless is that - just reiterated for me how totally messed up, lost and stupid I feel.

No need to reply- there really is nothing anyone can say anyway!

@Zoe7 I know you said there is no need to reply, but I'm replying because I want to. I can totally hear your frustration about not being able to think clearly. A few years ago when I was super super super depressed I actually thought I had a brain tumor or something because my thinking was SO bad. I went and got a neuropsychological assessment, and it turned out that nope, I didn't have a brain tumor, the cognitive impairment was due to the depression.

I don't think as a society we talk enough about the cognitive effects of depression. It tends to be thought of as a feeling, and people don't get how much it impacts on a person's ability to think.

That was all my absurdly long winded way of saying that you are not stupid and you are not useless. Your brain may not be working so well right now and that is super super SUPER frustrating...but it isn't a forever thing. I will shush now.

It is more than frustrating @Phoenix_Rising - it feels like a major part of 'who I am' is not working. I have always been one of the 'smartest people in a room' (but I never show it for fear of being put down or disparaged in any way). It does get frustrating when you know people are 'talking out of their butt' however to correct them there is the danger of being 'singled out in a crowd' - not something I like at all - infact very scared of it. To know that my mind is deficient at present feels like just another nail in an already messed up life.

I hear you @Zoe7, I truly do. For me, the main driver of the depression is my lack of employment prospects. I have a first-class honours and an academic transcript with almost straight high distinctions on it...yet right now I can't concentrate to do anything very productive. I spend most of my day lying on the floor or in bed.

When I graduated from uni I lost my identity as a student, and now, at forty years old, all I see is that I'm a disability pensioner. That fills me with utter despair.

So yep, I truly do hear you. I only wish I had an answer for both of us.

I am constantly feeling really frustrated for you @Phoenix_Rising Even before you said what your degree was I suspected it was psychology (but you didn't want to say so I didn't want to ask!) because of the way you expressed yourself and the terms/phrases you used - plus your knowledge of the area which does show very clearly in your writing. I have several degrees (teaching being the last one) - and have worked in the areas of all of them at some stage in my life. I certainly prefer teaching more than anything but it is becoming so 'paperwork' driven that the real essence of the job (teaching kids) is becoming lost because politicians are too stuck on statistics and performance indicators. They do not provide the infastructure to access the information or complete the 'paperwork' for teachers and thus it places increasing pressure on an already overworked system with no respite. How are we supposed to actually teach our kids when we have to document, check and double-check every single minute of every day - that is the definition of MADNESS!!!

@Zoe7 yeah the education system seems to be in a total mess. I often think that if I had kids, I would home school them. Someone I know from uni is an ex-teacher. She is now doing a Phd for the fun of it and working a bit in academia. I can see how she would have been an awesome kindy teacher, but she got out of it because of all the issues in the system.

I can't do alot of the things in the classroom (and outside of class activities) that made the job more fun because of the stupid system @Phoenix_Rising There either isn't the time or we have to do things a 'certain way' to be able to collect data - it is so frustrating because you can see how bored the kids are (and me) and know that it isn't at all engaging for them and subsequently you know they aren't going to learn to their fullest abilities - but try telling the government that - they like to think that all students can learn at the same pace and in the same way for 'everything' - if they ever got their heads out of the sand and wandered over to a classroom for a day they would see what is expected is unrealistic and infact detrimental to learning - and don't get me started on standardised testing!!!!!!!!!

@Zoe7 There is a really good talk by some educator about how the system destroys the love of learning. You have probably seen it - I might try and find it tomorrow. I don't think it's a TED talk, but it's something like that. Anyway, it's about how we take bright enthusiastic unique little human beings and squash them into a box, destroying the love of learning in the process. The whole system is absurd!

I am going to have to start heading off to bed now. I am SUPER sleepy. I'm trying to stay awake to hear how CheerBear went at yoga but I am struggling. I think I will go to bed and hopefully stay awake long enough to at least read about it on my phone.

I super hope the darkness gets a little less dark soon @Zoe7. I know how utterly hopeless it all seems right now and given I'm not psychic, I have no idea when or if it will get better. However, I DO know that the only way to find out is to keep on keeping on. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.

Night @Zoe7

...and we still have a 100% success rate of surviving each day (just some days)! @Phoenix_Rising

Thankyou for the great conversation tonight - tomorrow I am aiming to get some duck socks so I suppose I will have to survive another day to do that!

Goodnight little turtle

@Phoenix_Rising, problems with the 'mind' are all consuming. They rave about work 'capacity' but depression affects all 4 limbs, muscles, perception, responses, thinking. Some worse than others. Its self defeating (the more we lay around the more we have to lay around and the worse we feel). But we are not just defined by our 'capacity' to at taxes.

Winter is hard for me, this last few days - i need to go up the shop but froze in the doorway looking down the steps, no emotion, and just backed up like I never planned to go. Same yesterday. Weird.

When my youngest left home, 2yrs after a major depressive episode finished off a 30yr career, like you I lost my identity. my purpose. What now? What do i do? Who am I? What do I want?... Still struggle with this but there's something to be said about "just keep swimming" (its so hard to scratch back lost ground later. Figure its easier to steer a rolling ball so I just keep trying different things on top of basic necessity, (i bore easy), hobbies, short sources, volunteer work, common interest groups, self help groups. I drop out often, after a while, and beat myself up (though learning this is pointless), then get bored with laying around and get up again, and try something different. Just keep trying.

Everyone in my real world seems to expect more of me than I can deliver 😞 so learning to like myself more, unconditionally (not easy with an external locus of control) but Self-Compassion is helping with this, when I remember.

Not sure what I'm trying to say Phoenix & Zoe, but maybe just that - you're not alone and there's gotta be something we can do now, even with our broken wings 🏄

Here's to the power to keep on trying 💜💕