Struggling to Survive

That's okay @Zoe7 just around so you know we are here for you.

Maybe it is just best to focus on the basics today - hot shower, breakfast, warm clothes, feed Toby and Cat, calm music, rest on the couch and then go from there. xxx

@Zoe7 I wish things were better for you. I wish that you weren't going through this. I wish there was a magic wand that could fix it all.

I'd love to be able to look in to the future and know when things were going to get better. I live waiting for something to shift too, hoping that it will but not knowing when or what it will look like. Hope is hard to hold for long when it seems like there are so many reasons to let go of it. It's so tough. Days like you've been having are so hard. I can't stand being stuck in surviving it mode either. It's draining, slow and painful. All the days seem to blur in to each other. The days and nights can seem so long, yet it can also seem like time has flown by as life keeps happens outside.

I noticed you said that you are letting yourself drown in your own torment. I know it can feel like that and that feeling like that isn't fun at all, but I can see that you're here, you're reaching out, you're supporting people (so well) when you can, and you're pushing yourself to have fun here when you can. That doesn't look like letting yourself drown to me. It looks like fighting it. I know that other people seeing it doesn't help change how you feel it, but I believe it's still there. It's hard to see in the dark, but your forum family can hold a light for you until you can see things for yourself again.

Sending you lots of love today

I am hanging on but only just. I have spent all afternoon laying on the couch, shivering with cold but feeling so hot - I know it is only the fever but it has been extremely tough to get through. Toby hasn't left my side and has wanted to be as close as possible. I have even pushed him away because even him laying on me has hurt. Headache is still there despite LOTS of painkillers. Nothing seems to be alleviating the symptoms and I am exhausted. I have managed to close my eyes and get small periods of sleep but my mind is so messed up at the moment that what I 'see' when I am asleep wakes me often with that sense of fear and being unsafe. I am not in a 'good' way and I am scared of where I am going with how 'over' all this I am. I am doing the best I can to stay here but I don't know if it is enough with how I am presently feeling. Please don't worry about me though - what will be will be...!

@Zoe7 (((((HUGS)))))):heart:

I have reached the point where I want to lock myself away and not come out. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, be around anyone. I want to shut down my mind so I don't think and hope my body follows. I want to end this but I can't. I want my life to disappear but I know it won't. So every day I continue to 'live' a life not wanted, to feel the pain that doesn't go away, to relive the trauma again and again, and be constantly reminded that this life does not hold any joy for me - and that I am just holding on to each day for the benefit of others... and that's not living!

sending a lot of love right now @Zoe7

I so get where you are right now. its so hard. i wish it was different and that things could just get better because we WANT things to feel better. sometimes im so afraid i cant think anymore. and the fear isnt even... real/relevant right now?! if that makes sense... though i guess that is kind of the definition of ptsd in a way. the depression is crippling. i just want you to know i hear you. if i could find a safe place to hide from it - i'd be dragging you there with me. but for now... you've got everyone here right beside you