Struggling to Survive

Life is weighing me down really heavily at the moment. I am completely stuck with no way out. I do not have a cent to my name, the bills are coming in and I cannot pay them, I do not know when my insurance will come through this month and I do not know where to go from here. I am riding out each day the best I can but it is so hard when I can't physically do anything and mentally all I can think about is 'why am I here'! If I could sleep the days away it would be easier to get through them but I can't so instead I sit and wait for the minutes and hours tick by. the more I try not to think about anything the harder it gets. I really do not want this to keep going - the monotony, the boredom, the grief, the pain, the anger, the lethargy - I see no positives in my life at all. Just a tiny drop in a vast ocean that can't be seen and does not matter. Darkness is my friend and my enemy - it holds me together and tears me apart. Without it I would disappear but within it I want to disappear. Just a small glimmer of light is all I seek but it does not seem that any light can make it's way through this darkness - I am losing all hope and I am too tired to fight for it.

Today was yet another reminder of all that is 'bad 'in this world. I was scared and hugely triggered by an 'incident' that happened. That look in his eyes I have seen so many times before - it is more than a blank stare, it is like the calm before the storm. You now that what is to come will not be in your control yet knowing this does not allow you time to get away. It is the moment when you realise that behind those cold, lifeless eyes is danger.

I have been doing so much better at night time but today has left me shaken, afraid and vulnerable once again. It has been building all afternoon and night and now I am feeling very much alone and scared. I am scared of who is outside and if they will come back, I am scared of sleeping because I do not want to have distressing flashbacks and/or nightmares, I am scared staying awake because I don't want to think anymore,and I am scared of living because I am merely 'existing' day to day.

What more can be thrown my way...what will tomorrow bring... willI I get through yet another day filled with pain - who knows!

Oh my dear @Zoe7 I was just about to retire but had to respond to your post. What happened? Did someone threaten you? What lead to it? I am so sorry you had this set back as you seemed a little better. I do have to go to sleep now as I have to get up early in the morning for my volunteering, but as soon as I get back home tomorrow night I will come on here to see if you are alright and to find out what happened.

Gosh can the world give us a break! If you feel particularly scared this evening keep talking on here as I am sure someone will pop on or ring a crisis line. Am holding your hand in spirit my friend - we will get through these dark times together. Sending a warm hug and lots of love xx💜🌹

@Former-Member I did write about it on Am Not Coping but will write here for you as well.

I was outside, sitting on the ground - painting my temporary fence across my driveway (to keep Toby in the yard) and a man came past. Never seen him before but he was clearly 'under the influence' of some kind of medication! He stopped at the fence, right above me, and just stared at me. I asked him quite calmly if he was ok and ten did he need anything. He just stood there and stared. I have seen that look in the eyes and know it is not a good look! He took a half step back and instead of leaving then he kicked the fence (I was sitting behind it). It really scared me and I froze. I did not know what he was going to do next. Luckily he walked away after that and the started running up the road. I grabbed Toby and went inside straight away. It triggered alot of 'stuff' for me and it was a really tough afternoon and night. I am still not 'right' and definitely don't want to go back out to finish painting the fence. I have seen my psychiatrist this morning and have my GP app soon. Then I am hoping I can get some sleep.

I hope you are doing ok today @Former-Member (as ok as you can be with everything you are dealing with too).

Sending you my love...always...

Zoe

When do you finally say 'I have had enough'? When do you let the darkness completely take over and you give in to it? When do you finally give up the fight? I don't have the answers but I am certainly asking the questions! There does not seem any point anymore hoping for change, hoping for some peace, hoping for any light in my life. There does not seem to be a way out of this constant pain. I know I don't deserve to feel like this and I certainly have not deserved to be in the positions that have lead me where I am today... but there really has to be an end - in some form - to all this pain - because I cannot take much more. All the strength I have had to have to get me to this point is gone - I do not have any left. I do not want to keep moving through each day just 'surviving', I do not want to keep being reminded of what I have had to do to get to this point, and I do not want to continue to live in this constant fog - not being able to see a way forward, a way out, a way to live past this minute.There is no meaning in my life, I simply exist now because I do - not because I can. I am drowing in my own torment and I am letting it happen - I am too tired to fight it!

Hello @Zoe7

You really do sound exhausted and that would definitely not be helping you see some hope it feeling better right now, did you not manage to sleep last night? You had a huge day yesterday too, so please keep that in mind that there will be days that are bad but also days that are not so bad, today is one of those bad days which does not mean the rest will be like that. Probably not what you want to hear but that is the truth, please be kind to yourself and take it easy today by resting and snuggling up to Toby okay thinking of you and around for a chat if you need later

@Former-Member I did have some sleep but not at all restful! It doesn't feel like there have been any 'good' days for a long, long time. I really am tired @Former-Member and I don't have the energy - or will - to even 'talk' today.