Struggling to Survive

I still feel like the world is closing in around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The darkness surrounding me is moving closer and closer and I am finding it more and more difficult to see any light or to be able to breathe. I am in real danger of letting this darkness take over and destroy what little hope I may have had left. I am so very, very tired and I cannot see any way out. I want to sleep and I do not want to wake up - but that is unlikely to happen - but I so wish it would.

@Former-Member We have been along this road together now for many months. I hear your despair and your torment and feel it within me also. This road is so tough and it has presented us both along our journey's with pain and hurt that no-one should ever have to witness let alone go through themselves.

Do I want to keep living this life - NO.

Will I see the sunrise each day and despair that I am still alive - YES.

Can I see a future where things are any different - NO.

But do I have the support of wonderful people to remind me every day that I AM still here - in whatever capacity that is for me at the moment - and that they are here with me - YES.

As alone and as defeated as I feel right now, the love and support of genuine, true, compassionate people - just like you - keep me from ending all this pain permanently.

You were the one that held me up when I first 'failed' at this - you were the one that gave me the strength to face each day, you were the one that was honest and direct and told me what I needed to hear - and that was that although it seems impossible to see a life without the past dictating my present and my future there is hope. While there is life there is hope @Former-Member - and the hope that was provided for me at that time came from YOU.

I understand the feeling of being defeated, of wanting to give in to fighting through each day and of ending the constant pain within - I truly do. But I also know that what you have given me through my 'battles' words cannot fully describe - love, comfort, truth, support, compassion, honesty and hope - all from you, and more often than not at times when I genuinely needed to be held up to keep going. I believe that it takes a very special person to be able to provide all this to others - especially when they are going through their own 'battles' at the same time. You are this person @Former-Member - you are special - you mean so much to me because of it - and the world is a better place for you being in it.

Sending you all my love, strength and courage ...always sweetheart...

Zoe

Every day at the moment is lost time for me, just another day to get through and another day to survive. I exist because I am but what I am is not what I want to be. If you aren't what you want to be and you see no hope of changing that why do you exist at all. This is the struggle I am faced with every day. What I know and what I feel are polar opposites. I know there will be a tomorrow but I fear what it will bring. I know there will be times when I feel ok but I am overcome by the pain at other times. I know that I have so much support around me here but I feel so alone. I know that there is light in this world but all I can see is the darkness.

I am angry, I am frustrated, I am miserable, I am hurting - and no-one or nothing can change any of this. It is deeply entrenched within my soul and the only way out of all this pain is to not be able to feel at all. Those periods in the day whe I am numb and can sit, staring into nowhere - not feeling, not thinking, not being - are the only times within each day - even for the briefest of moments - that I am free.

Freedom for me will come when I am no longer existing on this earth. That time comes closer and closer with each passing day. I have no plans, no set timetable or no way of knowing when this will be but the more I endure the less I want to fight to live, and the more likely it is that I will choose to end the pain.

What I do know is that life has no meaning if there is no meaning in one's life. How do you continue to go on, to move forward, to look to the future if you cannot even live in the present. The present may be the moment we are in but everything before has brought us to this point and if what has come before has been fiilled with pain, hurt, betrayal and mistrust then what are we in this moment but a broken soul that cannot see the light, cannot see beyond our past and cannot arrive at a place where there is hope for the future.

No hope, no dreams, no life, no point!

Hey @Zoe7

KobeCat here on overnight moderation until 7am

I am sorry that things are so difficult for you at present.

Please let me know if you would like support via email

Just want you to know I am here with you tonight...

Kind regards, and hope that you sleep tight

Kobe

Each day is blending into the other and I just manage to get through each day - waiting for night time to come to sleep - but fearing the darkness and sleeping. I want to sleep and not wake up but fear that if I sleep I may not wake up. I don't want to die but I don't want to live. I am stuck in that place where I ask myself why? Why am I here where I am - so lost in this world, so angry at this world, so hurt by experiences that should not happen to anyone. Will tomorrow bring more of the same or will it finally be the day that this all ends for me - one way or the other? Only time will tell...