Struggling to Survive

@utopia @Owlunar still here - just taking some time to read but still here

@utopia I often feel the same way - that everything is an effort and I cannot say anything positive - but the fact is that that is our reality- nothing will change that so what we are speaking is the truth and the truth is not always pleasant.

@Owlunar I understand the swelling from a bite. I am allergic to mosquitoes and have had some serious swelling to arms. legs and especially face before. Several times requiring injections to reduce the effects.

I am with @Owlunar on solitude. It can have many purposes and positives. They say statistically many women choose singleness as a better option. Maybe the guys need to grow up or something to make them seem worthwhile ??

@Zoe7and @utopia your early spontaneous jokes and effervescence really cheers me up. I am still in awe at people who can do that. It can cheer me up in the now, just thinking about it brings the pleasure again.

Sorry you are both going through darker and more serious times, but I love that you have the capacity for both levity and weight.

Truly

Thank you all three

For being around.

For my marriage the prophet says enough space for a tree to grow is helpful.

Maybe its an ongoing project .. to make and enjoy the connections and maintain are separateness and more complete sense of self.

I just woke from horrible nightmare. I know why these are coming up for me and that helps give meaning to working through it.

Often we cant see the purpose in things or ourselves ... but hang in there ... you both do have a lot to offer. @utopia He is a big boy and of course you both need space. It can be healthy dont be conned by silly notions of excessive "bestie" and that close is the only part of good relationship.

HI @utopia

That must be pretty hard - self-sabotage is a choice I guess - and I remember you writing a while back that it was maybe your choice to drink and I understand that though I don't myself - but we are adults and we can make the choices for ourselves regardless

There has to be something underneath all of that - last week I ate all the snacks - I did cook a few proper meals but I was so drowsy - and I realise that my choices have a base - eg - now way do I want to lose my independence but still - I like walking around - crutches on concrete feels good - I get pumping iron and - well - this may not be good for my knee but it feels so good to get out there and walk 2 - 3 km -

But then - I guess we have a reason for whatever we do - and I honour your choices as your choices

But I do feel sad that you are so lost and alone - that is really tough - and I don't think you are a bad mum at all - I think you are bone weary and tired of the battles you have had in life - and I don't know what went wrong and I don't have to - but it seems you have worked hard and this is disappointing for you

But let time pass - it is very hard when our lives don't work out the way we thought they would - hoped they would -

Thinking of you

Dec

And you can whinge here if you want to - no one will judge you for that here -

Hi @Appleblossom

I am sorry about the nightmares having had a few myself - I had a few last weekend and I know what was causing them and did something about the cause but I had to report someone and this did not make me into a Happy Little Vegemite at all - still it was the nightmares that prompted me to act

Marriage - hum - yes - I have to get up and reach for my copy of The Prophet and see what is appropriate for my marriage - my ex-h was a fun person when we met but his father died of multi-organ failure and that must have been hard for his family - and they were all in a state of denial and I wonder if my husband ever got out of it - still -

I read about what The Prophet had to say about marriage - and the trees not growing in each other's shadow - I understand that - and also - what applies to my marriage is more to do with filling each other's cup but not drinking from the same cup and sharing the bread but not eating from the same loaf because in retrospect my marriage was sad and I did all I could to fill the space but when it came to that which I thought would make a marriage I was provided all the "bread" and all the "wine" while my mate sat in silence grieving for something he never voiced - and maybe it was his father - maybe our son - but he never shared much and that is a lonely place and of course

I have found it better to be alone that to share a house with a silent and morose man - and at least it is possible to get past the regret and bitterness of a divorce I did not want - how sad it was for the man I married - I have not spoken to him since my grand-daughter's baptism - and she is a young adult now -

Enough of this - but it is healthy to share the reasons behind some of our choices

Still - sorry about the nightmares

Dec