Struggling to Survive

Thank you @Owlunar

It is after 3pm I have chatted with my son and cleaned up an important draft document with him - tick

The nightmares leave with me with agitation and lot of body tension, locking into physical postures without realising. ptsd, but it was only a nightmare and today's life is here and I am grateful for it.

I was also thinking about the idea that trees need room to grow in all sorts of relationships ... not just marriage

our friendships on the forum

children

general community.

I re read post and auto correct changed my sentence ... from "in marriage" to "my marriage".

My marriage is over. I have REALLY NEEDED a lot of space for me as an old tree to survive at all,

but it has.

Thinking of you ALL @Zoe7 @utopia @Former-Member @Owlunar

Hi @Appleblossom I have read your posts over a couple of threads but haven't been able to reply properly until now. I do love seeing your avatar pop up when it does. It reminds me so much of way back when I first came to the forum and the conversations we had. At the time they were a wonderful distraction from my 'real' life - being able to 'use my brain' to converse with you was a real highlight

I too understand the effects of nightmares and the agitation and body tension. This moring was a little different for me - instead of waking suddenly and in distress as I usually do - I woke up crying - and it seemed like I had been for quite some time. I don't know why it was different this morning but as I have been doing a lot of crying recently, maybe it was just a continuation of that. I also know I was completely exhausted last night and did increase my meds earlier in the morning to help me sleep - so maybe I was in too deep a sleep to wake when the nightmare started - don't know but feeling the effects this afternoon.

Love 'seeing' you around more again @Appleblossom

Feeling very sick tonight and can't shake it off. I know the wind today triggered part of the flashbacks then trying to sleep the rest. It is like a double dose of trauma mixed in together and there is no escape - that is exactly how I felt both when I was a child and as an adult - there was no escape! How can a small child escape 2 'boys' twice her size? She can't!

My body feels so heavy and impossible to move then all feeling is gone and I am floating above myself looking down. Reality gives way to numbness to survive. I am knocked down, unable to get up, unable to see - not wanting to see - what is to come next? The air around me seems thicker than usual and darkness closes in without closing my eyes. I have no fight left and no way out. The pain is too great to feel so I shut it out - I shut out the world and hope that beyond the darkness, a light will shine, long enough for me to find my way to eternal freedom.

@Zoe7,I feel how powerless and terrifying it must had been.I was sa when I was 16 by my sister's father in law when he took me out busy on a horse ride,never forget or forgive.

I'm glad you have Toby and Cat as hugging my animals in my lifetime is one thing that gave me respite.💕

@Zoe7I understand that small defenseless, scared small child. Those flashbacks are terrifying and feel so real, like it is happening all over again. I get your pain and the feeling of no escape from the relentless memories. I am there too.

You do have fight left @Zoe7, fight for that small girl who could not fight for herself at the time. Now is the time to fight for her. You and her deserve that chance, that light.

Sending hugs your way @Zoe7

Hi @Zoe7,

You sound pretty low tonight and I can understand why. Trauma can be triggered anytime by everyday things. I find your descriptions of being weighed down by your memories and pain quite strong, and I feel for you.

Are you going to be ok tonight? Do you need extra support?

kind regards,

Frog

It's too much tonight- numb but everything hurts. just want to sleep just want it to all go away want peace

@Zoe7 sitting with you

@Former-Member nothing that can help - suffer through it until hopefully sleep

I can barely move. Stuck under the weight of my own memories, paralysed by fear. How can any life such as this be worth continuing. Every single part of me aches yet I feel nothing. I struggle to take shallow breaths and am transported back to that morning. All past hurt is entwined in this existence right now. Every minute, every hour is a continuing struggle to keep going - to get through - to survive. I want this all to stop. I don't want to be constantly reminded of the worst humaity has to offer. I don't want to continue to exist in a world where each day is greeted with no hope. I don't want to look through the darkness and see no light. All I have ever wanted is a life worth living but that has not come and I don't expect it ever will.I am teetering on the edge of the cliff, surrounded by fog - looking down on the world - hoping, wishing that through the darkness the fog will lift and will allow me to view what is on offer below. But the fog remains. the darkness prevails - and with each minute that passes - I am closer to falling - falling further into the darkness and lost in the fog!