Struggling to Survive

Thanks for keeping me company @utopia - and for trying - but I just can't do it - I dont have the energy.

Bye my beautiful cocky friend

@utopia sorry - goodnight is what I should have said

Goodnight @Zoe7. I hope you manage to sleep tonight. Sorry I couldn't help. Please know that you can call on me anytime. No matter what.

Love you. Dreamless Sleep.

Haven't posted here for a while - and feeling a little reluctant to now - but needing to get some things out!

I dont like being around people and I don't have friends. My solitude is my safety and my home is my sanctuary. As soon as I start getting close to anyone I quickly pull away. There are so many reasons why! I don't want anyone to say they care because everyone who has said that has hurt me. I don't want anyone to know anything about me as that makes me totally vulnerable again. I don't feel worthy of anyone's time and I certainly don't feel like my life has any meaning or worth. This is not the 'ramblings' of a sad soul - these are long held and firmly entrenched beliefs!

My life has been a constant journey through pain. I have not deserved nor asked for amy of it - but that is how it has been. I cannot change the past but I also cannot get over it. Years and years of repeated abuse, mistreatment and fear are what has made me who I am today - and I wish I could say it has made me stronger and more able to cope with anything 'thrown' at me - but all it has done is completely tire me out.

Each day seems to grow just that little bit darker than the one before. Each breathe seems to be a little bit harder to take! I can look around me and try to find a purpose - but it is as if there is a fog which shields my eyes and nothing is clearly visible. This has been how I have viewed life for nearly 40 years!

Every corner I have turned has led to another deadend or cliff face. There has been no joy without being quickly followed by pain. I no longer expect any happiness in my life as I know if that happens then it will just as quickly be taken away and the fall will be even greater.

I hang on to each day with a little less hope than the day before. My heart is filled with sadness and my mind with pain. There is no escape from the torment that each new day brings. I have a constant wish that I could slip away - unnoticed and without a trace - that my whole life could go with me and those that remain behind would quickly forget about me. I definitely do not feel like my life on this earth is worth anything and I definitely do not want to keep living as I am. Each day and night that I survive is one more day and night filled with pain. No-one should have to 'live' like this and no-one should have to endure such pain. If my life stopped tonight then I would finally be released from this suffering!

I like the fact that you attract insects @utopia lol

I miss your company, our shared love/hate of certain mindnumbing tv, our chats about 'nothing', our times of trying to confuse the mods, hearing about you talking to your plants, your seemingly endless search for bookcases, your fear of heights (even though you are a cocky lol), your love of your mountain and which 'section' of the yard you have mowed on any given day - all of which to others may seem as small, insignificant things in your life - but to me they matter because they are the essence of who you are.

...and I also miss our more indepth discussions where, for the briefest of moments, I actually feel like I matter and I have a voice. You have given me that voice so many times - and I thank you for that It does make a difference - YOU make a difference - and I am so very, very glad that I have met you my beautiful cocky friend - and YES - I really miss you

Hi @Zoe7

I understand what you are writing - I know the world of physical and emotional pain well enough to know that there are times when we feel so tired and so sick and the pain is bad and it seems the only thing to do is to let go - and this is a really sad place to be

I had a ruptured appendix when I was 21 and I remember how terribly ill I was - my parents had warned me about drugs and need les - and I refused to have the pain killers because I had not been told enough and after a long day I heard my father coming in at evening visiting hours and realised it twas the same day and actually did give up and who knows what happens at such times - the short story is that I went to a safe place that was dark and gentle and seemed to there for hours and returned and my father was still walking toward my room,

So - my point - yes - we can get that lost in the pressure of our lives - and I do understand - but I was told by my Higher Power - God I guess - to return and I am glad I did - and at least my father took the time to tell me it was safe to have the injections in hospital - I still wonder about how strange that is

But where you are - it is your choice to stay alone and I rather like the idea myself - my tough stuff in mostly in the past but I stopped going to church some years ago and it was really only recently that I realised that I was sexually harrassed by a member of the congregation and had trouble with the other parishioners about this and even though that man died I still lost my faith in the people there I think - and I can understand that you have found the dead-ends and cliff-faces a few times to many and I not only understand your choice here - I respect it

Thinking of you Zoe - I have been ill for a few days and out of touch - I have slept a lot in the last week so tonight I am just jumping in at the deep end to catch up with a few people

Bless your heart - even though I can't know how you feel I do identify with your life - I care heaps

Dec

Oh @Owlunar I am sorry you have been ill again - seems like it never rains but it pours

You have had such a tough journey and I often wonder what life would be like for you if it had been different. But I guess that is not only part of what 'makes' us but also what strengthens us to give so willingly to others! It is when that strength seems to evaporate that we start questioning our worth however, and what purpose we are truly here for. Right now - I can't see past the darkness to even begin to find any worth or purpose in my life! There is no choice to make when you cannot see any choices!

Hi @utopia

When enough people let us down I really believe that for however long it takes it's better to protect ourselves from betrayal - and it comes from all sorts of people - friends and acquaintances - even our own family members - perhaps the unkindest cut of all is from family

The anonymity here makes it very safe to share things - stuff we don't want to share in the open air because of the reactions of other people to our unpopular condition - whether they mean to our not they can really hurt and we don't need this - I have drawn into my own shell through years and learned to like it - and get along well with everyone except my sister - but then - there is no one in my life except my doctor (GP) and then I am only there for a short time - but it's true that I am tired of people telling me what they think is good for me when I know my solitude is a safer and better state for me

But yes - it can be lonely in the suburban wilderness without close friends - and I think harder in smaller towns - as pretty as they can be

I hope things are not to hard Utopia and that you are recovering after your many hospital visits

Dec

Hi again @Zoe7

You write so well and you are so accurate with your insight - yes I have had a rough life and sometimes I think what my life would have been like had I not had these troubles and health problems but then - even though I could have studied medicine had I been allowed to continue at school studying accountancy seemed okay at the time and in time proved to be a good choice for me - and I did make that choice for myself - and as well as my Honours Degree my accounting diploma has given me wonderful insight into managing my own life and being aware of the stupidy fo the Government and the lack of financial know-how is something I read when I was a teenager without really understanding it but it has come to the fore in the last few years and I am glad that I did make my own choices

This time - I was so drowsy in Tuesday I went to sleep for ages and when I woke up and got a snack and when I was eating toast and vegemite my jaw felt strange and I realised my face had swollen up from my ear along my jaw bone and it was quite scary and I took an antishistamine and went back to sleep and then was awoken by my Safety Alarm and got out of bed and rang the clinic and luckily I could see my doctor that day - and I had an injection for the allergy - and I kept sleeping - that went on all day on Wednesday and Thursday as well - my Fridays are busy but the swelling has nearly gone

So it was some kind of bite - and I could hardly be bothered with anything but life does go on and I have recovered and thanks so much for your kind thoughts

I understand you are lost in the darkness atm and it is really hard to make choices when you can't see them - my parents did not believe in our having choices - but when I got the chance to make one I did - to the life-long irritation of my mother - I could tell a tale but not tonight

But yes - you are right - I think our adversities strengthen us to give so willingly to others - or that act itself gives us the energy to act to encourage others

I have been lucky - in spite of or maybe because of my mother - I have had the insight to know what I would do for myself - even now sometimes being honest enough to resent some of the choices my father made for me - eg leaving school - but I did make my life for myself - incurringly the wrath of my family of origin but looking back - yes - I did get a handle on my life -

When it comes to encouraging other people I know it is so often so hard to get people to see their strength - so all I can do is to remind people of the courage it takes to get through each day. It must be helpful to people to be in this forum - helpful to me of course - and I just had one of those random thoughts we all have from time to time - this forum is so enlightening and so many people really care - how sad for people who have not found it yet - or if they have been here - they have not been around long enougn to get the great vibes people put out

I hope this dark period doesn't last too long Zoe - and also - I hope the weather in Southern Tassie is not too stormy and bleak

Sending gentle vritual hugs

Dec