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on the edge

Unknown userMember13 June 2017, 4:15 pm AEST

on the edge

I feel destroyed. So down. So frail. So unwanted & lonely. I have been having temptations lately to hurt myself severely again. Commit suicide, I suppose.

My CYMHS team has given up on me. I have given up on myself and my family won't get me support and won't allow me to get support. They also said that if I did do anything again that they will disown me. I honestly - don't want to hurt them and I don't want to have to go through the same difficult aftermath as I did last time.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't be accepted help (like what has happened before) and I am afraid that I will just continue be dragging on the floor like I am right now and hit breaking point and will do something irreversible.

I feel so stuck and so confused on where to turn. I don't honestly know what to do. I dont see a future in all honesty. I am not living this life. Things shouldn't be like this.

What do I do in this sort of situation? I don't know.

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In response to: on the edge

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 July 2017, 2:43 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

No we haven't crossed paths often since our intial chats when you first joined @Former-Member I have tended to stick to threads I feel most safe in for the last few weeks - and haven't been on much myself until the last few days - and probably wouldn't have been if there had not been parties to plan!

Do not underestimate how much strength it does take to share so much of yourself and also do not underestimate the after-effect that can have on you emotionally. Both are ok - and we are here to support you for both @Former-Member So praise yourself for you openness and also for your because without either you would not be taking steps forward - and I definitely see these both as you taking steps forward.

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember28 July 2017, 2:51 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

I totally understand that @Zoe7 ❣ I think we all try to stick to the places and things that we feel most safe of stable in. And what parties are these ? - where was my invitation.. lol.

Definitely, it takes a ton of energy to open up and sometimes - takes a lot of energy just to do the simplest of tasks.. And I have been feeling that. Also know you can @ me whenever ,, I will always carry a listening ear ❣

You look at things so positively. I would have a certain repute but I will try to keep my lips sealed on the negative views I have for myself.. woops

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember28 July 2017, 2:53 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Hi @Former-Member,

I am very sorry to hear you are going through a rough time at the moment. It can be really tough when it feels like nothing has changed and you feel a sense of hopelessness.

As @Zoe7 said, it takes a lot of courage to reach out and voice how you are feeling, so I am glad that you have reached out here on the forums. I just wanted to let you know that I have sent you an email. Please respond and let us know more about how you are travelling.

Hope you are safe!

Amour_Et_Psyché

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember28 July 2017, 3:00 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

@Former-Member

My anxiety holds deep within me. I find myself trying to ensure others that I am better than I actually am - or I try to include humour in times of extreme pain and hurt. I don't know why I do this - maybe I do know why... My family get vigorously upset and mad at me even by the simple expression of being upset myself. Then that carries punishments and unbearable tension that I just cannot deal with. My mind automatically turns for me to hide away and to not let anything show. Then I have all these pent up emotions and feelings all out of fear and I ultimated completely EXPLODE and I can't take this much longer.

Thank you Amour_Et_Psyché

In response to: Re: on the edge

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 July 2017, 3:01 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

now I think I missed you off the huge tagging list for the parties - bugger - I will have to re-check my list (maybe it is because it is an old list and I put it together before you joined!) In any case - my apologies - I will make sure you are informed of the next party - which will hopefully be this coming Thursday @Former-Member

When I am not feeling good I generally don't tag anyone or just a few who I have been closest to on here for a long time now. That way they know what is happening for me without me having to say much at all - and that is often a really good thing for me. I'm sure you would understand how you don't want to connect much with people when you are not feeling good and it is harder then to 'talk' - so having that very small group that know exactly what to say (or not to say) to help me through is what keeps my head above water some days.

I don't always look on things so positively - especially when it comes to myself - but I do tend to see the positives in others before anything else - maybe it is my teaching that has shaped this - or maybe I teach because of this - not sure on that one!

You are also very welcome to tag me anytime - I tend to reply only to @mentioned posts these days but every now and then I will jump in somewhere else if I feel I can contribute. So tag away @Former-Member

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember28 July 2017, 3:19 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Oh - no need to worry @Zoe7 ❣No need to apologise either. I was just joking around. You are very very good at organising parties here on the Forums

I can definitely relate to that statement - hence why you just found me talking to myself. I am glad that you can recognise who those positive people are for you - and still accept their care for you. I can understand more than you can probably realise. You and Faith-and-Hope in particular seem to have a beautiful relationship ❣

Aw yeah, it can be easier to find negatives within ourselves than within others. We are our own worst critics.

Thank you so very very much ❣❣ I don't normally tag people either unless if they initiate conversation with me or I can relate to something they have said in one way or another.

In response to: Re: on the edge

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 July 2017, 3:33 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Yes @Former-Member Faith-and-Hope is one special lady

We are our own worst critics - and just like you I tend to very much downplay how I am really feeling to everyone and also use humour to mask what is really going on inside - it is difficult for people to ask questions when they are laughing

I hope you can make it tonight for FF - I am usually a little tired after my appointment so I will make it if I am able to - but not putting any pressure on myself because I know how I can feel later in the day/night (and especially after I have been out in the cold air).

Always remember that you are part of the family here now @Former-Member and we care about you - no matter how you are feeling

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember28 July 2017, 3:39 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Faith-and-Hope is such a nice person to talk to.

Well - we definitely have that in common. Maybe it's the taboo nature of our mental health and reality of our mental health.. Or just not wanting to cause concern and seem like we are a certain way towards people. Attention seeking - or any of that. Oh yes, it is difficult to ask questions when people are laughing.

I will just have to see how I go - I have had such a dreadful and dreary day. I hope your appointment goes well - be kind to yourself ❣ No pressure needed.

Thank you - you too, always !

In response to: on the edge

Unknown userMember28 July 2017, 3:40 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

Woops @Zoe7 - forgot to mention you.

In response to: Re: on the edge

Zoe7Senior Contributor28 July 2017, 3:51 pm AEST

Re: on the edge

She is @Former-Member - so gentle, so wise and so compassionate - love her to bits

I think most people really don't want to know how we are - they can't 'fix' things so it is too hard. I am also a very private person (well I was until I joined up here lol) - nobody in my life knows much about me at all - my colleagues at work only know what they see at work and I don't have any friends - I have locked myself away for a long time and been on my own. I have been very independent since a young child - don't like asking anyone for anything - I suppose it is mainly so I am not let down again. 'Circumstances' have steered me in this direction and it is the safest place for me to be - so even joining here was a massive step. I still get anxious about being 'around' people here and definitely do not like to talk about myself - although I have shared a lot here (strange really how compassionate and caring 'strangers' can be).

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