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I feel destroyed. So down. So frail. So unwanted & lonely. I have been having temptations lately to hurt myself severely again. Commit suicide, I suppose.
My CYMHS team has given up on me. I have given up on myself and my family won't get me support and won't allow me to get support. They also said that if I did do anything again that they will disown me. I honestly - don't want to hurt them and I don't want to have to go through the same difficult aftermath as I did last time.
I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't be accepted help (like what has happened before) and I am afraid that I will just continue be dragging on the floor like I am right now and hit breaking point and will do something irreversible.
I feel so stuck and so confused on where to turn. I don't honestly know what to do. I dont see a future in all honesty. I am not living this life. Things shouldn't be like this.
What do I do in this sort of situation? I don't know.
It must be so diffcult to feel like your family get upset and angry when you express your emotions. It is understandable that you would explode after holding in all those feelings for so long!
As @Zoe7 said, the forum community is here for you for you. We want you to express your feelings and we are here to listen!
Kindest,
Amour_Et_Psyché
In response to: on the edge
Unknown userMember
Re: on the edge
Those are very good and valid points @Zoe7 - it can be easy to think that people don't care, or that they can't change anything or that they would run away from you if you suddenly express such distressing emotions.
I am a very closed off person too - I barely leave my house and have no friends either. I believe I first isolated myself completely and tossed away the key at the mere age of 13 - a long time ago, and hence nobody really knows me at all either.. I don't even know myself. My grandparents would always comment that I was very independent where both my siblings are very dependent. Being the middle child - often you'd think I am the oldest. But mostly, I do a lot of things by myself because I simply do not have a choice otherwise.
You took such a big step by connecting on here and I am glad you did - I don't know what we would do or be without you (and I am saying that with full truth) @Zoe7
In response to: on the edge
Unknown userMember
Re: on the edge
Thank you @Former-Member
It is so very hard. I get so anxious and feel so comfortable in my own household! This most definitely isn't considered a home to me.
I really appreciate your words ❣
In response to: Re: on the edge
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: on the edge
This is where I would usually revert to humour myself @Former-Member and say something like - 'yeah I know none of you could live without me 'cos I am soooo awesome' but not believe what I was saying at all!
This forum has been a life-line for me (in more ways than one) and I do really appreciate the support of everyone here - but still find it most comfortable when I can forget about myself and my 'issues' and support others - it is that protective mechanism we seem to adopt to help us deal with ourselves (whilst not dealng with ourselves - if you get what I mean)!!
In response to: Re: on the edge
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: on the edge
@Former-Member I have to head off now - I'll check in with you later though if that is ok
In response to: on the edge
Unknown userMember
Re: on the edge
@Zoe7
Sometimes I mistake your words for my own. It is very contradicting isn't it? To say such things and to go out of your way to help and support others whilst not even believing a single word you say and being so close to the edge.
It's sometimes somewhat blissful to forget that you exist and to have your whole concentration on someone else and their wellbeing. I get whatcha mean. Glad you are here Zoe. Very much so ❣
Sometimes though - you do need to take care of yourself, and I hope you have been doing that.
In response to: on the edge
Unknown userMember
Re: on the edge
That's okay @Zoe7 ❣❣ Take care
In response to: Re: on the edge
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: on the edge
I think we seem to write alot of similar things because we can truly empathise with each other's situations (as can so many on here) @Former-Member. Often I can put into words what others are thinking/saying purely because I understand how hard it is to have some of these thoughts and feelings - and it is more about 'listening ' to the person and really hearing what they are saying. That is why my 'support team' on here are so important to me when I am in a negative mindset or feeling really down - because they can read between the lines with what/how I write and know where I am AT. This is so important when you don't think you can 'talk' or haven't got the energy to connect with people. It's kind of like having tunnel vision but with blinkers on - you need someone to lead you out of the darkness but keep you heading forward at the same time.
In response to: on the edge
Unknown userMember
Re: on the edge
It is something both devastating & beautiful in a way. Vulnerability can have such heartbreaking beauty at times. @Zoe7 Listening is very important , sometimes all you need is a listening ear and some tissues. - It is so lovely that complete strangers can have such depth in understanding our behaviours even when we may not be fully alert. It's great that you have people watching out for you ❣ And what a good description - that is very much so needed
In response to: Re: on the edge
Zoe7Senior Contributor
Re: on the edge
You have people watching out for you too @Former-Member - it is a very special place here
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