BOOK CLUB: The body keeps the score

Ooooh I am excited that you are joining our bookclub @Former-Member. I read all of chapter 13 in the bath today...but my brain is so puddled I don't remember anything I read! I plan to read it again and write a reflection before I see (A) on Tuesday. A chapter is definitely my limit for the week. This is hard work. I'm super glad you are coming along for the ride.

I gave my copy away so I've ordered another. Once I get it I hope to join in the conversation. This is such a good idea to share reading through a book together, it helps working some of the difficult areas out.

Hi @Maggie@CheerBear@mudsum@Former-Member @NikNik and anyone else reading along,

Ok...I'm ready to reflect on chapter 14...

I like this bit: Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology; being able to articulate a complex feeling, and having our feelings recognised, lights up our limbic brain and creates an "aha moment." In contrast, being met by silence and incomprehension kills the spirit. (Van De Kolk, 2014, p. 232). This is what I really notice with (A) - she doesn't really "hear" what I am saying most of the time and this has definitely killed my spirit - as evidenced by the fact that I am sinking ever-deeper into depression. For example, in one of our very early sessions, in response to me trying to talk about "Fred" (my previous abusive psychologist), (A) said in a sickly happy-happy voice "he helped you in one way and now I'm going to help you in a different way." Er... ??? I cannot begin to tell you how super yuck that made me feel. It was like, to her, that was the end of the matter. Seriously??? I felt super unheard and invalidated. Van De Kolk adds to this thought when he says, communicating fully is the opposite of being traumatised (2014, p. 235). Oh how I wish I could "communicate fully" with (A). I so very very VERY badly want her to be able to "hear" me.

I also like this bit: as long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself. Hiding your core feelings takes an enormous amount of energy, it saps your motivation to pursue worthwhile goals, and it leaves you feeling bored and shut down. Meanwhile, stress hormones keep flooding your body (Van De Kolk, 2014, p. 233). I really notice this on the forums - how a lot of people struggle with bad stuff that they don't feel they can tell anyone. I think for me, because I have been trying to seek help with my muddle for such a long time, and I've also gone through a court case along the way, I don't have a sense of needing to keep icky stuff a secret anymore. For me, it's more about trying to find someone willing to listen to the icky stuff!

I found it interesting the way Van De Kolk said that trauma radically changes people: that in fact they no longer are "themselves" (2014, p. 237). This particularly resonated with me because I was engaging with @Sahara on another thread recently about the issue of self-identity. I recognise that I have an extremely poor concept of self (as evidenced by the fact that I am 40 years old and still super struggling to figure out what I want to be when I grow up). I recognise that I had a much stronger sense of self prior to the abuse stuff happening when I was 14. Before then, I had a very solid plan that I was going to be a veterinarian. There was no question about it at all. I was totally obsessed with school and was getting the grades to show I could make it into vet science...and then the abuse stuff happened and my whole world was derailed. Since then, I have drifted and now I'm super stuck in terms of who I am and what I want to do with my life. I so very badly wish I could go back to having that single-minded focus that I had pre-abuse.

This bit made me think of Forum Land: Finding a responsive community in which to tell your truth makes recovery possible. That is also why survivors need professional therapists who are trained to listen to the agonizing details of their lives (Van De Kolk, 2014, p. 244). I am SUPER grateful for Forum Land...especially since (A) doesn't seem to want to hear about the "agonizing details" of my life. A core part of my muddle is that I have had a bazillion people leave my world. One of the people I am super grieving for is my uni counsellor. Yet (A) told me a few weeks ago that she couldn't see any value in talking about (K) anymore. Sigh...

This bit resonated with me; after a while most people with PTSD don't spend a great deal of time or effort on dealing with the past - their problem is simply making it through the day (Van De Kolk, 2014, p. 246). My goal in therapy is to gain and sustain employment. Somehow (A) seems to have it in her brain that my employment muddle and my trauma muddle are distinct muddles. She doesn't seem to have any sort of coherent picture that the REASON I want to deal with the trauma stuff is SO THAT I can gain and sustain employment. A few weeks ago she suggested that I could see a counsellor friend of hers to help me with part of the muddle. She was extremely vague about it, saying that maybe he could help me with the employment stuff while she helped me with the trauma stuff or vice-versa. Er...

I am definitely open to the idea of parcelling out bits of my puzzle, but I need to see some sort of coherent plan. The fact that (A) is being paid by victims services specifically based on the premise that she is going to help me with the trauma stuff, and yet she suggested out-sourcing this to someone else, does not sit well with me at all.

I like this bit; modern neuroscience solidly supports Freud's notion that many of our conscious thoughts are complex rationalizations for the flood of instincts, reflexes, motives, and deep-seated memories that emanate from the unconscious. Trauma interferes with the proper functioning of brain areas that manage and interpret experience. A robust sense of self - one that allows a person to state confidently, "this is what I think and feel" and "this is what is going on for me" - depends on a healthy and dynamic interplay among these areas (Van De Kolk, 2014, p. 247).

It SUPER frustrates me that psychology seems to have been "dumbed down" to psychoeducation and just teaching clients "coping strategies." Trauma-related issues are FIXABLE. People can truly HEAL from trauma. They don't HAVE to be condemned to a life of just coping. I recognise that the vast majority of psychologists have almost zero idea about any of Freud's work or the later ideas the evolved out of it. Even though I don't think Freud was totally on track with everything he said, it seems like the profession threw the baby out with the bathwater - i.e. CBT became the "in" thing, and now it is super difficult to find a psychologist who has any idea about psychodynamic approaches to psychotherapy. I have a feeling that with the advances being made in neuroscience, this trend will shift down the track...but not in time to heal my brain.

Finally, coming back to the idea of self-identity, I like this bit; Only by getting in touch with your body, by connecting viscerally with your self, can you regain a sense of who you are, your priorities and values... Trauma makes people feel like either some body else, or like no body. In order to overcome trauma, you need help to get back in touch with your body, with your Self (Van De Kolk, 2014, 247). Yep, that is a looooooong way from teaching "coping strategies."

I feel SUPER frustrated. How many thousands of lives are being wasted (including mine!!!!) because mental health professionals have no idea about this stuff. The term "recovery model" gets thrown around, and yet from what I can tell, the covert message is still that people can only ever learn to cope with trauma-related mental health issues. I don't want to "cope," I want to create a life worth living. I CAN cope. I can lie on the floor and focus on my breathing - like I have been doing for most of the past two years. But that is not a life worth living. I want to HEAL my brain. I want to create a life worth living. Oh how I badly BADLY wish I could find a mental health professional who gets this stuff and who would be willing to work with me. Alas, after being rejected by the psychiatrist last week without her even meeting me, I feel utterly hopeless that I will ever find someone.

Well that all got really long didn't it! On to chapter 15 for me. I am super keen to hear other people's thoughts. I am super enjoying being a part of a book club.

I still haven't got my book, but I'm reading along. @Phoenix_Rising I'm trying to digest your post it's so informing. If only we could be treated as individuals, not a BP whatever other labels etc. How can we possibly come out of an abusive past ok???? Really???? Get on with it etc. We need people with a heart, compassion, understanding. Now I'm not saying to be treated like babies or brainless, just give us a fair go, a break.

This actually brings tears to my eyes remembering the times I was told I was attention seeking... They got it so wrong... That was the last thing on my mind. Hope I haven't gone off topic here.

Hi everyone,

I haven't been doing a good job at keeping up, but I have been keeping track of this thread and enjoying the analysis.

I found out today that Bessel van der Kolk is coming to Australia towards the end of this year. I got an email notification about a 2 day workshop. It's expensive but thought I would share it, just in case anyone was interested: https://byronclinic.com/bessel-van-der-kolk-2017/

@CheerBear I had to do that with the book also. It triggers memories. Just go slowly or not at all till you are ready. Pushing through never achieves anything. These are deep wounds, with more added by lack of understand and care. We have to learn technices of self care, something very foreign to trauma victims, then, we are the ones who move out and help each other heal. That's just what you are doing in this thread, so thank you.