BOOK CLUB: The body keeps the score

@CheerBear and @mudsum, I haven't done any reading today, but I thought I'd let you know that as planned, I took TBKTS with me to show (A) the bit I read about relationships. She read it and that guided the start of our session. It super helped and we had a good session. We had one little stormy patch, but managed to recover from it without total chaos. We talked a lot about some of the super triggering things (A) has said over the past few months and how much that has puddled my brain. (A) seemed much more open and less defensive today.

I super liked how (A) rested her hand on my back the whole time she was reading the three pages from TBKTS. That is definitely my super favourite thing about her. I find it SO calming, snuggling under the blanket with my toy turtle and feeling (A)s hand resting on my back. It makes me feel calm and safe. Actually, she kept her hand there for the vast majority of the session, only moving it when she was taking notes. I could super feel the oxytocin flowing through my brain and calming the chaos. I definitely get most benefit from (A) when she isn't talking!

On another note, the Commander in Chief of Forum Land emailed me earlier to say she had approved THAT post from Saturday. I haven't been in a headspace to respond but I will tomorrow. I didn't follow up on that adventure today because I was overwhelmed with today's adventure. However, I'm super grateful that the issue was addressed.

Ok, well hopefully tomorrow will be a calmer day and I will be able to read a few pages.

Hi @mudsum @CheerBear @NikNik @Former-Member @Scar,

I finished reading chapter 13 today. It is kind-of depressing how totally and utterly mainstream psychology and psychiatry seems to have lost its way. What most psychologists and psychiatrists offer is horribly far removed from what people with a history of trauma need. The bit about the value of physical touch super resonated with me. I have an extremely messy and complicated history with touch and I know that addressing that part of the puzzle would be super helpful. But alas, it simply isn't seen as important by most therapists. I am SUPER grateful that (A) has at least got over her "no touching" rule enough to be ok with putting her hand on my back while I snuggle under the blanket during sessions. She's drawn the line at holding my hand though. When I'm super distressed, I will tend to reach out to her and she ignores it. I super struggle with that and in her brain there's nothing to talk about there - it's just an inappropriate behaviour to be ignored. I don't do it so much now. The ignoring has worked - I have given up reaching out. She probably sees that as progress.

It super seems to me that most psychologists and psychiatrists have lost sight of the fact that they are fundamentally dealing with human beings. Not "illnesses" or "pathology" or "symptoms", but real live human beings who are doing the best they can with the hand they've been dealt. It truly feels to me like (A) sees me as a computer that she boots up at the start of session, and then shuts down at the end of the session and sticks on a shelf for the week. I don't have any sense that she sees me as a real person who continues to exist between sessions. I mean, almost six months have gone by since I started seeing her and I am not one single step closer to achieving my goal of healing my brain and getting into a career.

The chapter talks about CBT. This is really the only treatment that is talked about during a 4-year undergrad psychology degree. It's simply where we are in history. Gradually the third-wave behavioural therapies (such as DBT and ACT) are gaining ground, but I can see that Van Der Kolk's work and that of neuroscientists is still a looooooooooooong way from becoming mainstream.

I like that Van Der Kolk had a lot to say about medication. I like that he isn't totally anti-medication...but also holds the view that medication should not be an immediate go-to. That is my view (though I respect that others differ). I feel extremely frustrated that I am now taking an anti-psychotic (one of the ones mentioned in this chapter) to counter the effects of my less-than-totally-competent psychologist. I know that the ONLY reason I need it at the moment is because (A) has cooked my brain by constantly triggering me in sessions. I am trying to tell myself that even though it is very wrong that I should need it, given the pickle that I'm in it is still best to take it in order to give my brain a rest.

I found it really awful reading about just how many people (and especially how many children!!!!!!) are being prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America. I just wrote a whole lot more about that...but then deleted it. I'm feeling a little burned after last weekend's adventure in Forum Land.

So...all in all, the chapter was kind-of depressing. However, I'm super glad that there ARE people like Van Der Kolk out there slowly slooooooowly making a difference. I love reading about the things that people like him are doing - like the sensory integration clinic that he describes in this chapter. Things ARE changing...just not fast enough for my liking!

Hi @mudsum, I am looking forward to you getting your copy of TBKTS.

@NikNik @CheerBear @mudsum I just wanted to share that one of the positives that is coming out of me reading TBKTS is that it is super helping my psychologist (A) and I to get on track in our therapeutic relationship. I printed out my latest reflection and took it with me this morning and once again, this formed the start of our session. I feel like (A) is FINALLY hearing me when I'm saying that I don't want to "manage" my muddle, I want to FIX it. Granted, I don't think (A) has a strong sense of HOW to fix it...but the fact that she is hearing me has greatly improved our relationship - yay!

@CheerBear I will be super interested to read your essay-post if/when you are ready to share. I agree that it is a challenging book to read. I'm glad I'm starting at the how-to-fix-it part. (A) told me that TBKTS is on her list of books to read...I told her she should hurry up and read it. I'm definitely still on my mission to transform the entire mental health system - one psychologist at a time.