when is it time for hospital

Hi @outlander

I don't know about your mother - but I can tell you about being a slave-girl by going back to something I learned when I was maybe your age

My grandmother's best friend was older than her - frail, wise, elderly and single

She had never had a life of her own when she was young - in spite of having several brothers and sisters she was the one who stayed at home and care for her parents at least - that is how much I am sure of

And the world passed her by

So she was elderly, frail, wise and single - I loved her

All I know about her life otherwise is that my grandmother met her when she was the house-keeper for a wealthy doctor and her friend was the maid

So my grandmother's friend spent her whole life being a maid and there is no shame there at all

But the only way you can avoid that yourself is to get out of where you are now

I am wondering because I find I can hardly bear anticaption - which is always better or worse than the actuality - is it waiting until Thursday the hard part?

I understand - I really do

Dec

thanks for telling me that @Owlunar i dont want to be amaid all my life but i dont even know what i want in life. i dont want to stay like this thats for sure.

the suspense yes my god its terrible and im dobting whether ill be able to speak up.

i had 2 songs trigger me today. the first one was earlier today and it was the american version of lifeline and getting help.

the other is just now with the sound of silence- disturbed 'silence like a cancer grows' thats exactly what happened to me @Owlunar and ive still got the sutures there to prove it. only 5 days to go now with these but ill always have the scar there

thanks sis @Sans911

. its jsut so damn hard why cant i have only one thing to deal with but i never do

i know i ahve to move forward. i jsut dont know if im brave and strong enough to face this

sis i had a night mare the other day. i thought it was over. i had a night mare that i was watching my cancer cells spreading. like under the skin. the adds show its black so thats what i was watching. underneath was going black and it was growing. like the devil invading my body. i thought i was past his. i wasnt to see it as a feat not a what ive been though but its jsut not happening. i dont know why

Hi @outlander@Sans911

Great stuff Sans - excellent

Scars - I know scars - I have them on the outside and they all tell a story - one is a story I never tell anyone

But the scars I have inside are deeper - and I can tell what you have inside you - not cancer but worse - deep in your soul you have been treated in such a way it has nearly destroyed your confidence, your belief in yourself - your will to live

I say the scar within me - (my son) is light-years long and millenia deep - I am pretty sure the scar you are getting in your soul is just as deep and long - what they have done to you through your life - that is reprehensible - and what my mother did was equally bad - and we can only find our own way out into the air which is not toxic but can let us breathe and grow

With freedom you can go to school - university or TAFE - TAFE is cheaper - and think about what you are interested in - you have experience in caring for the elderly - that is one idea - there are so many courses available

You will find out when you look

You are well written already - and well spoken - I don't know if you completed year 12 but you can do that

This is a future that is full of chances now - don't let the moment go

From what I gather is that your mum and her bf are squatting in your pop's house - it's time for them to move on -

But what to say? - ah yes - I know -

I was so unhappy living in my family's home before I was married - that was my only way out - please - for your sake - don't stay in that unhappiness - and your mother is the only person you need to deal with right now - and ask for your rights - your legal rights

Here's what you want - the freedom to live your life without being a slave -

So - here's something like what you can say -

"I feel as if I am asked to do to much work here - esp with the kids - I feel I am not old enough for the resposibility - I feel I need to go back to my education - I feel I need to look for a proper job"

I believe you can do it - it's just freaking you out waiting

I am really great at such times - I am having one myself right now - but I am okay with it - the years have taught me a great deal

We will all be here - time does pass when we can share our problems

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

my sh scars are the worst, the are just as damaging as the SI.
You dont have to share here but your more than welcome to if you wish.

My soul scars yes like SA, and whats happening now, bullying and getting beaten up over nothing, having someone end their life on my terms (not sure if I told you about that) Lots of things. But yes I think they are worse because they are invisible (beside the sh scars that I hide) no one really knows, I mena how can they unless they experience that.

Im not really a tafe or uni person. I know thats wrong to say but I dont really want to go there. But with freedome I can find other things to do as well. Fill my day with things I want to do as well.

Im trying not to let the opportunity go, my psych knows thursday happening and knows theres a chance I might ring. The waiting is so bloody hard. God that sounds intimidating to say. I dont think I can say that. It sound nothing like me.
Shite im panicing. I cant help it. I dont talk to my mother on good terms let alone about this

i dont have them on my wrists @Sans911 i have upper thighs and they arent small i wish i done them small but they run right across the top in all directions.

i know what you mena by internal. had those thoughts myself a few times inlcuding last night. its not something i admit to very often at all but i dont tend to do that.

giving up isnt in my vocab. i dont want to give up. i jsut sometimes dont get up as quick. i found since being here though my reslience has really built up.

thats a good way to look at the scars jsut not for me on my sh yet. not a chance maybe as i age but not now. i dont care showing my other scars like being burnt by a car exhaust or the removal of the cells as those im proud to say i come out of but i see the sh as defeat and ive let something get it me again. a habit im trying very hard to stop. but its like an addiction. im sure you know what i mean

i try to see it as a coping strategy. i do see it as that but it makes me feel worse but you are making sense @Sans911 i do agree with you. its gotten better that ive slowed down and it does take abit to make me do that. i wont show my scars though. fear of what will ahppen if they see them