when is it time for hospital

Okay

That's a plan

Don't be sorry at all @outlander! The forums are all about sharing what one is struggling with and reaching out for support. We want to support you here on the forums!

I understand you feel you have let us down @outlander

But that is only a feeling - you haven't let us down at all

And this is the right place to voice your feelings - and people here are not judging you - you are having a hard time

Well - you tried working and that's not on and now you know why - it's really hard to be a casual worker because you don't get any time off with pay - and it's a pity you weren't given some money to entertain the kids for several days

You do so much work at home even when you have had an operations with several stitches - that's really unfair

I guess you will be back after you have cooked dinner and washed the dishes - one thing to remember is how much work you are doing - how you work 7 days a week for long hours moving from one task to the next and holding it together most of the time

Regardless of how you feel that is an achievement

Hold on tight - we care a lot about you here

Dec

@Sans911
your right I have let myself down. Im really upset and dissapointed in myself which is why I dont do it anymore or so I was hoping to. But I also feel like I let you guys down because you were all trying to help the best you can and I dont want you thinking it wasnt enough because it is enough. I havent let the sh get to me for 3 months now and I think everything really did just crash on me and it was I feel the inevitable.
I have to learn to think before I post because I does affect others and if I can control it then its no need to alarm others. You have been helping me soo much, more than I think id be able to help you. I feel like I dont deserve your care. But I know what youll say and your stubborn so youll win because I already know what youll say. A lot of the times I can keep myself safe and through the help of others I can keep myself safe but I think the argument I had before this happened really blew things up out of place and made me realise a lot of things, things that I realised while I was in hospital but didnt think it was as significant as other things going on but they are. So they need to be addressed. Im like you in a lot of ways, we might be different people but our character is very much the same and like you when others hurt it hurts me too esp if they are closest to me. i really wish i could meet you and have a coffee and walk. that would be fantastic wouldnt it

You deserve to know what is going on so ill tell you the best I can and what I can without identifying myself.
@Former-Member@Appleblossom@Former-Member @MDT@Owlunar@Former-Member@Sans911@Former-Member you guys can know as well and comment or not comment no pressure at all (I thought id just bring you all here instead of scattered around)

I tried to work today. I rang my boss and she said that we can make this a trial day and if I cant handle it continue to have the 2 weeks off. I asked to try it today because my sutures arent fresh and if I cant handle it now at the time they are due to come out then I doubt ill handle it after this surgury as they want to go bit deeper this time as well so I think ill be sore more than this time.
I tried it and what would normally take only 15 minutes per horse but just one took me 40 minutes. I tried to do it one handed and without thinking over reached and also carried heavier things andboy did I know it I dropped everything on the floor. (I hope im not loosing too much muscle now after already 2 weeks off and about to be another 2)
but I couldnt even finish today so its definently a no go for the next few weeks until its healed properly from the second one.

I need to work out what I can do to keep occupied though because the bordom is really getting to me. I havent studied and have fallen behind and it finishes on the 10th october so I need to revise the final module and hand in the assessment task. At this point I dont care about marks, I can always resit the course later. So far its been in the 80s for the last 3 assessments. I will be implementing my exercise regime again but without the heavy duty jumping stuff but treadmills and exercise bikes should be fine even in small incremiments because ive gained ALOT of weight and I want to get it back off. I dont some research into my tablets and its a really common side effect because it slows down the energy I have and also my body as well which is why im feeling sluggish and not wanted to do anything soeven just upping my exercise I think (I hope) will help.

I really need to work out the way to block everything out with the disrespect from family. It shouldnt have to be asked but it doesnt happen and I think I need to just block it all out because no matter how hard I try it always gets to me. Ive been told thats a feature of BPD as well.
The way to do this I really dont know. I have realised despite what I do I will never be able to please them. I will never be good enough. I will never have their respect. I will always be a slave but I need to break down some walls.

On the way home from picking up mum bf from work and had the kids with me as well, they never lsiten to me. They were constantly talking and talking and I dont know if it was the upset or the frustration or anger coming out but I snapped a few times and told them to shut up. I tried the nice version of can you please be quiet or can you not worry about that right now wait until the time comes. Their response? Well :we dont have to! 'you shut up' and continued on anyway. Then the conversation turned on me again- no surprise. Youngest sister- your no fun. Me I know im sorry im the worst person going. Middle sisters scoffs, little sister said yeah actually you are mums bf said nothing. Is it wrong to feel upset at this? I honestly dont know what to feel anymore.
I feel frsutrated and angry (very rare but its there) upset disheartened I suppose

tomorrow I might ring the mental health team and ask to be put back onto the DBT group therapy waiting list as well. Not sure if thatll help but worth a shot I suppose.

I dont really know what else to do or what to feel anymore. Ive got emotions coming out every single part of me and so many its hard to distinguish them all its all just one big mess. Im so friggin stressed about tomorrow, I dont even know what to do with myself anymore.

thank you everyone for even taking the time to read all of that. i really do appreciate it

@MDT also thank you for what you wrote earlier. im sorry i havent responded properly to that. i will. i promise i will i jsut have to get a few things out of the way first. i hope you understand

there was an edit all good now sorry for any confusions reposting this