when is it time for hospital

I don't mind at all @outlander

When you meet someone you can start a relationship with it will be very romantic and exciting - parts of you will light up inside you - sex is for the procreation of our species so yes - it is perfectly natural as well

Well - twice someone just walked into my life - a perfect stranger - and it not happen by staying at home - night school then an evening out with friends - both so exciting in their own way

And there has to be trust - you need to trust him and he needs to trust you and most importantly - you have to trust yourself - I do see you are working hard on building yourself - and from there - when you are free to get out into the world - there is the world of people and things work more easily now

I had a few people in my life that made things were interesting - sometimes it's brief and we learn a lot. A lot about ourselves and about the situation etc - sometimes it's because it not or never going to work but it is still an experience - one night stands happen too -

Things were really hard for my sister and I when we were at the stage in our lives when we were ready for our first love - I have no idea why our mother had to be so scared and why our father had to be so strict - neither of us were inclined to be careless or worse - so I think in a lot of cases that was the way it was then - and I was never like that with my daughter - she was allowed to make her own choices - so I get both sides of your puzzle - how to go and find someone when you are not allowed

Don't be embarrassed - this is the way we work - we are sexual beings and that is normal

Dec

Hey peeps

I got updates on this thread and read through what you've all said. I know feel somewhat awkward jumping in here as the only guy. But I guess this is the internet and those sorts of conventions don't necessarily dictate conversations, however it's still awkward haha.

I think what you've all touched on is really interesting. Particularly the point about companionship. As a young male of 23 who hasn't ever been in a relationship I can say with 100% confidence that this is something I want as well. But I seem to be able to never find it. There have been instances in the past where I've tried but I have buggered it up for myself (due to worrying so much that she would find out about my MH and anxiety). That particular instance was still hard to deal with. It was the last date I went on (March 2016). The worst part was that I felt like I was over the moon and then I was just a nervous mess and I let my nerves take hold. I buggered up the date and she left early because I was behaving weird or differently than what I was on texting (it was through tinder). For a tinder match we had a fair bit in common too. So I was pleasantly surprised. I even remember telling friends about how cool this girl was. I still cringe when I think about the experience.

That was the last date I ever went on. I'm not saying I have made an ultimatum that I will not date again. I guess I just needed to take a break for a while. I ended up getting friendly with a girl through the orchestra at my uni but it was weird again. I am starting to think I come off too strong or something. Or not strong enough at other times. Basically I'm confused about human interaction (social anxiety) and I am not into hook up culture - because of my anxiety. I guess I just hate clubs and such as well. I'm not geared for that environment. I'm more of an intellectual.

I guess I'm telling you all this as an example of how we really need to be content/happy with WHAT we are before we worry about relationships/dating/intimacy. WHO we are is something that we still struggle with when we have a mental illness/condition. We can't make ourselves perfect.

@outlander I totally agree with you on the point of wanting to be valued for who you are and not what you can offer someone. I think the small things that you speak about like the cuddles, movie nights, walks on the beach in the moonlight (I'm getting poetic now haha) are wonderful things that can be experienced by anyone. But I would hazard a guess and say that people who are enjoying those things are not as effected by mental illness (if they have it) as what they might've been in the past. I think we accept the love we believe we deserve. I guess this is maybe why I have found it hard to find a girlfriend. Maybe I don't 'put myself out there' enough, but then I wonder what "put myself out there" even means. Where do I 'put' myself out? What does that even mean?

Before this turns into an exposition or essay I guess I just want to say that these feelings of compansionship are a perfectly normal thing. They make us human. But we really have to try to ignore the mainstream culture's constant demand and pressure on us when it comes to relationships. It's very hard in our age @outlander but rest assured that there are always people who feel the same way. Present company on this thread included.

i just completly balled my eyes out in the shower. i feel like a total looser. a waste of space. a waste of air.

im nearly 21 and literally have nothing to show for it and its really dawned on me.

oh god im going again 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞

@MDT
I guess your right there, most people with mental illness dont fo for walks on the beach as such but I dont mind im happy to curl up in bed and stay there watching movies with my partner all day. I find I literally cant find people I even relate to. I never really had friends through school, I was bullied to the point of being beaten (physically) and now I guess its stopped me from being able to be around people and how to act around them. I mean I know manners and things like that but I dont really know how to act around others. I dont know how to uphold a proper conversation other than the genral fly by hi how u going sort of thing but other than that I really dont talk to people.
I think mental illnesses affect us to the point of this just as it has you with your example in 2016. I had one bf in high school but I was being abused then as well and ended it and then we ended up moving awy. It lasts only 2 weeks.
Im really weary about dating sites. Too many fakes I think and I thinkbecasue of lack of trust I have to go through the old fashion way of actually meeting someone and getting to know them first.

I just want to be semi normal at least. Or at least know how to act around other people.

I honestly dont feel like what im doing is good enough. I feel like I have nothing to show that I even exist ecept my name on my car other than that if I was to sell my car then I really wouldnt have anything. Id be a number walking around like I dont really exist. No friends, real family, isoalting work, studies gone to shite, I just dont get it. If im all these things people say I am why dont I have anything to show im alive.
My only goal is to get through each day and get through thursdays surgury and recovery but what then? Theres nothing. Just back to the same old shite being the boring human I am.