when is it time for hospital

@outlander hear by your side lil Sis

Thanks @Sans911 this is the hardest part. The leadup the day the waiting for results. I can handle sutures now. Im use to it

Gosh this is so hard! Walking around feeling like im going to have a heart attack! Jelly legs tight chest hard to breathe overly anxious nausea and shakes are shocking!
How is anyone suppose to just breathe through this!

Indeed @outlander we do
I think personally i struggle with intimacy just generally. I've noticed i seem to have some form of aversion to intimacy like hugs and kisses. Maybe there is a deeper thing going on here idk.. i guess i wont know til the situation presents itself. But im glad i left that other group i was in because i feel like that woulda become a feature of me.. the guy who cant be intimate.. then it becomes common knowledge. Backchatting ensues and then my anxiety goes up 10 fold. I have always found i am more comfortable around nerds/geeks because there is no judgement in those groups. Its also because of my hobbies too.. i mean its not every 24 year old guys desire to read a new book every now and again or play new pc games that are strategy based lol. Having said that i dont exactly tick all the boxes for a nerd. I guess i am saying i am unconventional in that regard. Its something i like about myself. I dont fit conclusively into a box and maybe that throws people ? Recently i was out with some people and someone was telling me that i didnt look like i was a virgin... which made me laugh. Its funny how we categorise people in that sorta way. I guess growing up a bit has taught me not to do this. There is an overwhelmingly shallow element to all of us... i guess thats being human hey? Im not perfect either
Being the "loner" in the room can feel very crap. I have had to 3rd wheel and sometimes 5th wheel as well in the past. In the end i embrace it. But then its dependent on who im with. 5th wheeling with 2 friend of mine and their gfs is never gonna happen. They will put me down and all that stuff... why subject myself to that crap right?
Tbh things will defs change for us both i reckon. Nothing is fixed. Or at least only some things in life are fixed, most of it is temporary. I guess trying to reconcile pur respective pasts can be hard but in the end we come out stronger for it. Stronger than those who have it good. Empathy is a rare thing indeed. Particularly in this day and age.
Those 2 friends lack that.. even when i told them about my hospital visit.. it was like 'oh okay'.... lets go out and have "fun". Well their version of fun is very different to mine.
Making new friends is hard for me because it seems like i rock up to an already established group every time. But then i guess i have 1 or 2 where things are set in concrete and that i am a part of.
I've rambled on here heaps sorry.

Just get through today @outlander and then you got surgery tomorrow. One day at a time is my mantra lately.

I wanna share a poem with you too. Its from a movie called The Grey. I won't spoil the sptry but basivally its about surviving the wilderness after a plane crash. There are 2 scenes in the film where the main character recites an old poem and both scenes are powerful. One is where he basically takes command of the situation because everyone else is freaking out and not bothering to survive and the other is right at the end when he is the only one left.

The film is a metaphor for trials in life and the poem represents tennacity, grit and strength.

Once more into the fray
Into the last good fight I'll ever know
Live and die this day
Live and die this day

Its about pressing on no matter what. About going into the fray of life that we have with mental illness. The last good and proper fight we will ever know is our own personal battle with mental health. Its a personal demon that we battle every day and this poem encourages me. Enables me to think about how battling is simply all we need to do.

I hope what i have said has helped and has not been too much of a ramble haha

I dont know what else to do im panicing and i can feel it bubbling away
Ive tried breathing and taking a few minutes out through the day and its not helping!!

Here we fking go again! Never good enough! Always my fault!

I need to go
I cant be here anymore

Wasnt you @Former-Member glad your safe ❤
Its just being alive thats whats bothering me
Never be able to please anyone or do anything right