when is it time for hospital

Hi @outlander

I can see you stuck between two horrible choices right now and my thoughts are these

And I have to be blunt

I have been on the receiving end of someone not wanting to be here and I don't want that for you and your sisters - it's really permanent and not at all the answer

And for some reason - I find it interesting - you have stuck for months with the name of your thread being "when is it time for hospital" no caps - no question mark

Seriously - I know you don't want to go but really - it is the better of the two choices when your life is so bleak - so dark - so scary - and then there is your other idea about respite

The idea of a few nights in a hotel was keeping you going when you knew you had this terrible week of having your sisters full time when your mother took a holiday - wow - now that is being taken out of consideration and it seems to me that was holding you together and it's gone

Sheesh - I care so much for you - and yet I see where and how you are stuck and "doing the right things" - ah - how long can this last? Only you can answer that.

I can read through the lines in what people write and that poem is very obvious to me -

Hold on tight and think to yourself - you can go to hospital - yes - you can - it is one of your choices and I feel just thinking you have that choice might keep you going - it really is better than the alternative

Dec

Oh Claire

Don't give up! You have a lot more life ahead of you. No guarrantees it will be good, but none that it won't either. There may be magical moments ahead of you, you might make someone extremely happy. I know the hardest thing is not knowing and just having to keep going. You might end up a Mum with your own children (and I think you'd be brilliant!), you might end up a lonely old hermit in the bush - this lonely old hermit just made someone very happy, never believed they could and never would have know if they didn't just keep going!

So much love to you right now Claire @outlander

I dont think a hi-5 will do much @Former-Member but it worth worth a shot I suppose. Something else to think about even for a second hey. I dont want to vent all the time. I want some good news to share. Its been so long since I could share some good news. Im tired, and yes frustrated and overwhelmed yet hopeless to do anything right now except for hold onto something, anything to keep myself safe

I know its not an answer. Nothing seems to be an answer. I keep going in circles. I keep struggling to live everyday. Is this what life is suppose to be. Is this all that my life will be.
I cant afford a hotel for a few nights now. They arent that expenisve the ones ive seen but theres no way I can afford it now or not for a while now.
I dont really even know if its worth going now, I have surgury again next week and then more recovery. I dont know whatsort of environment to be in. I cant be away for 2 weeks but im still thinking maybe a few nights could still help.
I dont know if im doing the right things anymore. Im doing what I think would be right but I think thats my downfall and everyone likes to take advantage of it. My sisters are my weak point. I cant say no.
there will be a lot of heartbreaking no's for the next few weeks while recovery and surguries are in progress and awaiting results. @Owlunar

Thank you sis its just so hard. Its exhausting waiting, doing nothing. I want to share good news yet theres nothing good to report back. I dont want to keep being the barer of bad news every single time I log on. I just want to see something good. To feel ok again, the darkness has really taken me this time and I dont know how to get out of this one.
Theres 3 days left until mum comes back. I have to hold on for that time. I dont know what will happen after that but until then I need soemthing to grasp hold of. @Sans911

thanks Niqua. I want to give up. Thats whats going through my mind right now. I have to hold on 3 more days. I dont know what will happen after that but I need to be here for my sisters. Im tired of fighting. Im tired of hurting. Im tired of everything. My soul hurts.
I dont want to be a mother. Im already a mother and I dont want anymore- no they mightnt have come out of me but they are still with me 24/7 anyway. Parenthood is already amongst me.
I dont know what else is in store for me now. I never know whats around the corner and im afraid to look anymore. The hopes of my life becoming better are gone. I live in a dark box with no escape

@Former-Member

I tried to admit my self on Tuesday night/early wed morning and was kicked out of the MH ward on Thurdsay morning without support stating I was the community's and GP's responsibilty even though I stated to the psychiatrist I felt unsafe due to new meds (high dosage of anti depressant no mood stabilioser as Bipolar 2) also the psychiatrist even asked my why I needed moodstabilser and was discharged rang gp and mhot receptionist one of them ended up calling an abulance I was taken to another hospital mental facility overheard I was low priorty as was discharged took about 4-5 hours to see someone and get told to go home yet psychologist just let me go as doesnt have resources for crisis MH Nurse comes back in 2 weeks and will probably do the samething.

Claire @outlander

Everyone wants to give up sometimes, and everyone will understand you feeling that way now. The next 3 days will happen. If you feel you cannot cope, and I believe you will know if that happens, I even think it may be close, . . . go and get help - go to the hospital, take your Sisters with you. There will be some sort of professional organization that will care for your Sisters, I imagine you Mother will be contacted - it would work out. Perhaps your Mother would have to return to care for her children, and her children includes you! It doesn't matter how old my child gets, they will always be my child and I will always do anything I can to care for and love them.

I hear your exhaustion, you sound empty - nothing left. It doesn't surprise me from a 20 year old mothering her Sisters, managing the house, working a couple of jobs, dealing with permanent injuries, trauma, studying, caring for her Grandfather, having a Mother with neuro-biological disorders, etc. It's like your spread out so far your soul has become too thin to cope with it all.

I know that dark box, I think that's where I live. Do you remember the old tins on a string toy? You'd get a couple of empty old tins and put a string between them, then you could use them a bit like a walkie talkie - you could actually hear what the other person was saying in the tin 🙂 I have this picture in my mind of Forumland being thousand of boxes all joined together with strings. Thousands of us sitting in our little dark boxes, reaching out to each other. We are not alone. You are not alone

Love you Claire

@outlander I am going to agree with the others and say I think you need to put yourself first and get some help ASAP. What that help looks like is your choice but it needs to be done quickly. Who cares what your mother thinks, she will have to come back and look after HER children.

I am sitting her with you💗💗