when is it time for hospital

Hey @Sans911
thanks for reading and watching over. That means a lot ot me.
I think my medications are helping to an extent but when im certain states I cant take them because I cat swollow anything. So the night before when I had that bad paranoia, I shouldve taken them but I couldnt manage it and last night I couldnt manage it because I literally opened the cupboard where I keep them and thought wtf am I doing.... how can I let myself get to the point of having 6 tablets a night. And today im in one of those states. I couldnt sleep last night because I had many thoughts swirling around about my life. What am I actually doing!?
If this is what my life Is like now whats it going to be like when I get older. I dont think ill ever beat the black dog, so what am I actually doing.

I like my work because it gets me out of my house and out if the same environment day in and day out. I love caring for my pop but at the moment hes been well enough for me to take on this job. Hes said so himself, he said when the time comes that im unwell or I need you more I know youll be there. So while hes ok a few hours out of the house isnt doing much difference esp since he goes to his friends house for 2-3 hours a day (his routine and it keeps him happy) and in that time I can generally get all my second job done anyway.

Im thinking that I wait till this course here that ive just started finishes and then giving it a break for a while. This course only goes for 2 months and as you said it gives me focus on something else and I like to learn.

My psychologist runs by the hour and I get weekly sessions. I dont know if I would have enough time really as it takes me 40 minutes to get there and then 40 to get back so im gone for nearly 3 hours at a time for psych sessions. I dont think Its practical if I go twice a week, nor do I think I can continue to afford it if I increase it to twice a week as ill need a lot more petrol as well.
My psychologist also runs that we dont really stop until something is accomplished. So usually she books me in for 2 hours if its the heavy stuff like trauma because she doesnt want me to leave in an awful state.
I dont know what to do about my gp, and my psychiatrist really. They both want the best for me but it gets abit much that they pretty muhc assume how I am when I get in there and they constantly communicate.
I havent seen my actual gp for a few weeks when im suppose to go weekly, and I havent seen my psychiatrist for about 3 months now, now all my fault as she was away for 3 weeks . I just cant bring myself to make the appointments. I dont really want to. So maybe thats a sign I should be changing....

the rest I cant even think about. I dont want to think about it because its a stressor for paranoia and I would rather be able to at least go outside.
Im not doing well today. Today has really started off badly and I cant see the day improving. I want to go bury my head in my pillows but I have to put on the 'mask' and pretend im ok for the kids.

@Former-Member ill just move our convo over to here

i seem to fit everything i just dont find much enjoyment because im alwasy time pressured. no my mum isnt sick she works but she also expects me to watch after the kids all the time. if i dont i get in trouble and yelled and told to get my rpiorities straight becasue im doin somrthing for myself rather than takng care of the kids. in a few weeks mum and her bf are going on a holiday and ill be left with the kids.yeah ive got a therapist and an aunty that helps every now and then but other than that im really on my own. i dont really trust anyone, not even myself right now so im just taking it day by day and hope that i get through it all.ive been looking after my sisters, and mum when she needed to when my nan passes away and through her breakups etc and my pop for a long while. i cant even remember how old i was when i first started getting all these reponsibilities in amongst the trauma ive had to endure including witnessing DV and being a victim to SA.

@Former-Member

i dont really want to give up either of my jobs or my study but i struggle as it is. i havnent got any self worth anyway, i try and try yet im still where i am. i cant just breathe through everything, i know i have to act and im trying to do something, anything that can or will help me stay in the saddle.

i cant have relationships even though that would be nice, im stuffed full of medications.

i jsut dont know what im doing. what the hell am i doing with myself!?

@outlander,just got back from a three hour walk,got lost for a hr only good thing was I didn't think about negative thoughts to work out my direction which I have none.

Your last post my beautiful friend sounds like it came from my mind.

I can assume you've had some shit going on this morning.You need the work and the study,there is no doubt.You give up those things you are taking your life ,as someone who did.You need these for your self worth and your future.I have no friends,estranged from family,feel everything you just wrote.

Look after yourself today.💐

you are not a screw up @outlander my friend

we are here for you and the @Former-Member are here for you too

I am here if you want to chat about what has happened