when is it time for hospital

Thats the part im still learning @Faith-and-Hope because until when I joined here I thought the way Im being treated was a normal way to live. Being singled out, bullied, ignored, hated upon, knowing I was a complete dissapointment, shoving feelings away, never being allowed to speak was a total way of life for me and I didnt know any different.
I know the general things of thing being innappropriate but somethings ims till learning. I think thats why I check in here so much as well because I need that other perspective because its hard for me to distinguish a lot of these sorts of things from right and wrong and whats 'normal' to an extent.

Yes im super nervous about it. It really hard for me to pick a starting point but I know I have to start somewhere. When you say dignity- is that in acting the way I know is the right way even if others arent? How will I know its the right thing to be doin

i know she has @soul

its just really hard for me to implement these things. i am trying though and im willing to give these things ago just struggling to actually just do it.

my psychologist is helping me to change me role but i have to do it in a way that my mother doesnt see that im doing otherwise she will flip her shite at me. so its all about thinking shes having the ideas. thats the hard part

work well i though that was suppose to be easy today but turned out to be a long one i not long ago finished. started at bloody 9am and then havent stopped for a break or anything until now.
i had to feed 5 horses, deworm 8 which involved putting a big tube of paste in the back of their mouth which most really hate- dont blame them, do both paddock checks, and then talk to 2 of my new clients who ill be taking care of their horses. they wanted a tour of the place- introduce their horse to me and jsut give directions on what they want done daily. so it was a pretty big day and this anxiety hasnt helped me all day

oh actually i did have a break i drove to my psych session spent an hour there then drove back. not really sure you class that as a break though

@Former-Member@soul@Faith-and-Hope@Sans911@Former-Member

Thinking of you @Sans911,I'm also in my dark place tonight,it is hard to find the light switch,and when you do it's on dim.

@outlander,glad you had a productive day,you must be good at what you do,as you seem to have that respect regardless of what you think.Must be the smell of horse!,🐴

The only thing I'm amazed with is how you guys get help on Sunday?They must really love you guys!

Hi everyone ... 😊

@outlander .... I remember what it feels like cos it was hard going for me too. For me it wasn't my birth family, it was the family I married into. I wasn't expecting to not be respected, listened to, appreciated, included etc. I didn't know what to do when people who I expected to care about me gave the appearance of being friendly, then "stomped all over my sandcastle" - to use a metaphor.

Its challenging ..... very challenging ..... and a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing. Just persevere, and if it crashes and burns on any given day, get up the next day and go again anyway.

💜

Thats ok @Sans911
I havent really been around that much either except for my panic attack. Thats it I havent had time to do much else. I havent stopped between the hours of 9-530. I dont even remember sitting down except at the psychology session.
I hope your ok..

it was good to get out and about again yes but it also set of panic attacks. I hadnt had one for a day or so because of the migraines. Im sure they will make up for lost time just like the 7 in 4 days a few weeks ago. I can never run from my fears, they come with me. Everywhere.

I dont even like horses anymore. I dont know why, maybe it was what I was talking about before with the fall. I dont know. People keep telling me that I should get another horse and to pick myself back up. I tried that though and I ended up giving her back through certain circumstances but I had a feeling I was going to give her back anyway. I really wasnt enjoying it. I would go there and I was angry. I dont even know what I was angry at but that was the emotion that would always come out. I still cant figure out why.

Yes new coping tools would be a good idea because sh isnt a good option, esp the extent ive been doing them. I decied to wear shorts today and wven though my scars were covered I was so paranoid. I wouldnt and couldnt sit incase they showed at least while I was standing they were covered.

@Former-Member

stupid dark places. Ive been there since this morning and I dont know if it was a good idea to drive. I didnt have a choice in the matter really. I have to work. it seems everytime i sleep this happens. its like hey look energry restored for panic attacks and SI to come back look you have the energy to act on these. hmmm

I saw my psychologist today because shes a home based independent psychologist. She does run through medicare but doesnt run from a business. Thats how I got in to see her. She also works with a lot of school age kids and working adults who find It hard to get there through the week.

@Faith-and-Hope

oh gosh. You had it hard too. Im sorry that it was like that for you too. Its a pity really. Its not a expectation but rather it should be reality. I want things to get better. I do its just so friggin hard and im scared to start. I know I have to start but as you know my family is a very difficult one. Im the 'odd coloured sheep' if you will. I do mind being the odd one out but like you respect would be great.
I thought family were suppose to care about each other not keep throwing us the wolves.
The only thing is yes I havent given up as yet. Ive been so very close to not being here at all yet something says no dont do it. I need that voice to come out more often and push that determination out not hide away when I need it most.

i dont really know if i got much out of my therapy session, she keeps dragging my mum back into it even though i asked her not to. we talked abit about the car accident and then abit about abandonment issues. not really a great help at the moment

I have to write the email to the dr surgery @Sans911 but been in a dark lost space tonight.
I was put in a position where I had to say no to taking my mother somewhere tonight my sister wanted her to go to.My mother's car is playing up and when my mother told her this on the phone,she still pushed my mother so she wouldn't have to do it.I don't speak to her haven't done for years,she barely makes a effort to see mum can go months without seeing her.She also used us in the past and unfortunately only cares when money is involved.There is no respect for me,took me a long time to realise that.I don't talk to anyone in the family anymore besides Mum.I felt guilty but the way I have been treated by them and the way I am feeling,I couldn't do it.Last year when Mum nearly died in hospital,I was excluded my sister,my niece's her daughter's treated me like shit.My mother gave me the cold reception tonight,but I don't need any more shit and can't take anymore.I can't take that disrespect.