when is it time for hospital

sooo good to see you here tonight @Former-Member

i want to dissapear and never come back

but and i would rather suicide than be here but if i did that then it would probably destroy my family even though they hate my guts, have no respect for me whatso ever and blame me for everything

@Former-Member@Shaz51

ive been trying to @Pepsimax i jsut.. i give up i cant do anything right anyway

@Former-Member im sorry you went through all this crap as well its so friggin hard and i hate it- myabe i really am just a psychopath- attention seeking idiot that they seem to think i am

@CheerBear@Shaz51@Pepsimax@Former-Member@Former-Member@Owlunar

ive just done a bit of research into my new tablets and i cant friggin take them!

they are big tablets and i cant swallow them for the life of me im suppose to take them once a day

im not allow to crush them or anything as they are slow release and if i crush them the they will be released to fast and that could be dangerous- like an over dose

so i guess tha means i cant friggin take them again

this si so shite

i think i might just go off tabelts all together!

I know you're making changes @outlander. I can see you trying really hard too. I understand how exceptionally frustrating it can feel to be trying so much but not seeming to get anywhere. I can understand how exhausting this stuff can feel, and how much it hurts to live like this. I can hear how tired you are.

Something my psychologist said to me just before I went to the break place was to stop fighting it so much. It scared me at the time because I thought that not fighting would mean giving in to it. But I think I realised that there's a place in between fight and give in. I think this place probably looks and feels different to everyone but this is kind of how I looked and felt in this in between place for a while (in a fluffy blanket):

I don't know what your in between place would look like but I think it could be a mindset where you recognise that this is hard. Maybe it's where you lie in your bed and hold a blanket tight and just lie there. Or where you sit at your desk and write 632 pages of yelling and swearing and venting into your journal. Or where you lie on the floor and colour in or draw. Or go for a run or a drive and listen to the same song on repeat for hours. While you're doing whatever it is, you notice you're exhausted, hurt, scared, feeling broken, overwhelmed, sad etc but you don't try to change it. You just sit with it and realise it is there and that feelings themselves can't hurt you. You realise that thoughts are thoughts and that trying to fight them doesn't make them stop (and can actually sometimes make them worse). That they're scary and feel horrible, but they are just thoughts. They're not something you have to listen to. Maybe there is nothing to actually 'do' when you're in this mega messy place except to trust that it will change. It will absolutely change at some point.

I realise that may have all sounded completely random and airy fairy too. I know I'm really only speaking from my experiences as well. Maybe for you change might happen when you stop trying to force it to but before you give in though.

i cant take anything bigger than a pea size @Former-Member i never have been able to

if i break this one in half then id be able to ake it but then it could turn into a possible OD unintentionally and also make it a very high risk for seratonin syndrome esp since ive alread got high levels of it in my system from my last ADs

Go to the doctor and tell them asap this week.