when is it time for hospital

ive called it quits for tomorrow. the only thing ill be doing is the easy horse and the paddock checks. thats my light day so ill do that but other than that im not doing anything. @Maggie

it doesnt matter anymore, my best will never be good enough. its been shown over and over again. ive just copped the 'i told you so' lecture of my mother and the whole 'oh you decided to listen to your mother for once ' lecture. then it went back to the argument with my birthday and they put me straight on the spot about it. so i jsut said they arent coming. and becasue the kids were screaming and told them to shut up and then i coped the 'they are kids dont tell them to shut up' lecture.

i hate this. i want to go. i want to move out. i dont want to be anywhere near here. i want to be anywhere but here and if it wasnt for my pop then i would already be gone.

my best is never good enough. It will never be good enough. I cant stop being a failure. Its in my description. Best qualities: being a failure.
I knew I was going to give the horse back and I knew there was going to be repercussions. There always is. And on top of this I coped lecture after lecture- 'I told you so' lecture, 'you finally lsitened to your mother for once' lecture, the 'friendship' lecture and about my birthday. I was put on the spot yet again and I told them they arent coming. And then I copped the 'they are kids being kids' lecture after they were screaming and mums bf was yelling and screaming (playing) with them but they all override each other bu I got in shite for that because I told them to shut up or tone it down.
I havent lost my job yet but I know its going to happen ive only got to open my mouth yet again.

Im sorry you had that upbringing. I can empathise with you though I wont ever really know as its different to mine but I can certainly feel and unerstand.

I dont see anything positive happening anymore. Ive tried it. Ive tried to fix myself and to help others. Others always come first and when they dont im in trouble and when they do come first im still in trouble. Im a total looser. A failure. No wonder I wasnt wanted even before I was born. I now understand. @Sans911

Thanks for the lecture Mum! @outlander!

Wish I was at the beach with you.Have not been since I was a child.Must had been a good time to sit and reflect.

Yes I'm going to the podiatrist,I will see if they are any use besides trimming toe nails and trying to flog off a orthotic on me.Yes I'm not optimistic,as I went several years back and a stupid podiatrist drew around my feet,sent it off for a 300 pair of Bozo shoes which were very unflattering.I have very wide,flat feet,I can't fit a orthotic sole in my shoes.Wore the pair today that I never worn because I'm afraid they will rip because they replaced the pair that ripped after only 5 weeks,and they are 220 a pair.The shoe company thought it was their fault...It was my left foot swelling.I have no arch ,my feet sit on the floor like pancakes.

I will see if they can offer advice on my problems.

I lost confidence in my doctor today,had to sleep this afternoon,I am stubborn,but previous experiences have traumatized me,and I think when I lost confidence in him ,I felt I once again lost a lifeline in mental health.I find it discouraging to believe anyone can help me.

Enough of my dribble.You are doing the right thing with the horse,that's why I said the other night you know because you have had her long enough to know there are faults.As for reading your siblings,I understand.Reason I had my breakdown or several probably was because I was always my mother's slave or companion,and when those moments of conflict like abuse, arguments come into it,your life can be made to feel like a joke in 5 seconds, completely worthless.Yes @outlander,you need to decide what you want out of life,and can't carry your family with you.

Your best is good enough for us here on the forum @outlander, look at the messages of love coming through, this is you, more than good enough. The things being said to you come from people with their own undealt with problems, you can't do it for them, just for you. The day will come when you can move out and find a life, sooner rather than later in my view. I can just be here for you,like others are. You are good enough, you are good enough just as you are. I'm off to bed for another sleepless night, but rest will be good. Sleep well brave heart. A hug for you.

I understand your situation with your boss,you need the job but I hate to think you have to put up with that kind of intimation etc over your head.

Hi @outlander - I've read your story. Sorry that today hasn't been too good. At the very least I hope you felt some calmness whilst watching the waves. As for trying to please everybody. It's just not possible. Perhaps it's time that you thought about yourself more.

I understand @outlander,any job like the one the other day which may involve me entering places like shops,the doctor surgery I went to where my previous therapy was that I regret,the thought of putting up with people etc,your job suits your needs.

I ignored gut instincts too,led to castatrophic consequences outlander.You have to feel comfortable with a animal straight away.Sounds like this owner of this horse is a deceitful b****,you can't tell me they don't give it away for nothing,and cunning how she did it.

Thanks for support.💟