when is it time for hospital

Hi @Former-Member

I know pretty much from my own experience too - in fact I did not see my parents for years on end but with Dad this stopped because he was tired of all the stupidy - we were on good terms for years but with my mother - no - this didn't happen

I know where you are coming from with your mother and her dementia - mine was in care and my sister had all the POA stuff - kept things secret from me but hey - what could I do? - my mother would snarl at me to "Gitoutahere" and one day I told her that I had enough and wasn't coming back - and even though I wrote notes every month or so - telling her I wanted to see her - I never heard anything for 2.5 years until just before she died

But it was not easy

She made my life a living hell at times but I would not put up with that - so in one way - I get it that you have an ungrateful mother on your hands - but you certainly don't need to put up with the grief

When it comes to it being all your fault because you were born - I didn't get that but my sibling was born a year after me and things were hard and he wasn't wanted and I was an honest and obedient child who became exceedingly rebellious - and through my long life I can see that this was a cause of dissension - I was hard to get along with and so glad about that in my old age - truly

But I still suggest that it is not necessary to make other people's problems yours and walk with it on your shoulders - I have walked out and stay out - but I must say that this is a very hard road alsos

With these kinds of behaviours in other people it is always hard - no matter what you do - and I do understand what you are saying and I care

Please keep writing - it will help you clear up a lot of your thoughts and then I and others can see where you are coming from as well

Dec

@Former-Member
im sorry I couldnt get back to you yesterday. I wanted to but I couldnt.

I hate having this ahnd beng dealt to me, its not really a pleasant way to live. Realising no one wants me. I know its his loss but I can see why he left and I can also see why my mother blames me for it all now. I just hope maybe one day she sees that im not him and accepts me.

My depression is very very strong at the moment and its been like since during my therapy session. I walked into the session relativeley ok, ready to tackle a few things but halfway through I just shut down.

I hope not all relationships arent like that, and im glad others have had better experiences that say different. Wouldnt it be a horrible world If it was all like that. I want something good to happen, now not just in my dreams. Sadly my dreams never come true, unless they are the nightmares of my past.

@Former-Member
im the oldest out of three kids, and my mother only hates me. It doesnt matter where we are in the family, I suppose theres always a reason they pick us. Im not having kids, I cant face that and have them brought into this world. If it did so happen that I did have a child theres not a chance in the world would I being doing what has been happening to me.
I know I cant control everything that goes on but I feel like its my fault. Thats probably the pressure thats always been put onto me the expectations ive had for such a long time. It always feels like its my fault in whatever aspect I do. Even the abuse, I always feel I provoked it in some way, gave him clues that I wanted it, when im not too sure what clue I could have given when id been laying on my bed reading a book and he would come in and start ramming me. I guess I deserved that, whatever I did whether it had been that day or some other time.

@JoeTheLion
I did eventually get to sleep. When im depressed I tend to sleep well, I guess I was worn out from the session. I was in a lot of pain though, I guess that was casued psychologically casue pain was running through my veins all night.

@Owlunar
I know what your saying about the abuse, I just cant help it. i meantioned to li1 that i feel like i provoked him, sent out signals. hed wome into my room and start ramming at me, and i could do nothing about it, maybe if i had of screamed or fought against him then maybe he would have stopped. though it mightve made it worse in my end, i dont know. i couldnt do anything and thats the point. This realisation has made things even worse for me and now it cant get out of my mind that if I hadnt of been born then I wouldbt have deserved all the bad things in life. I was a mistake. I shouldnt be here.

My mother wasnt assaulted. She was in a loving relationship and it just so happened one night I become of their nights.

Im trying to do my best at making the week a good one. Its not the kids fault Im a mistake. I want them to have a good life and continue knowing people, not just me mum cares etc for and about them. The only way I know how to do that is taking them places and giving them what they want.
Im hoping with them being occupied it wont be so hard on me. It becomes a lot harder when they stay off me like a shadow and complaing they are bored bored bored.
My life is a battlefield @Owlunar and im unshielded from the elements, it seems no matter how lightly I tread, something blows up in my face.

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@outlander wrote:

@Former-Member I want something good to happen, now not just in my dreams. Sadly my dreams never come true, unless they are the nightmares of my past.

Hi @outlander - Glad you got a good night's sleep. For good things to happen we have to step out with self belief and make them happen. A leap of faith. That's up to us and it is within anyone's power to do so if they choose no matter what happened in their past hoping for the best. It all starts with a dream my friend, an idea or ideal and then we chase it.

You are letting your past hold you back, a lot of us do that. I have done that. I found the more I went over it or talked about it too much to a therapist, friend etc - then dwell on it even more at home, it would result in me become retraumatised. Going over it once or twice, grieving it out then letting it go enabled me to move forward from my horror childhood abuse - and other losses, hurts and betrayals I encountered along the way. I am presently facing grief again with my daughter and am having to do this, move away from her emotionally and push through towards my own personal goals making a life for myself. Not waiting until "all was well" in myslefmor home as then I realised I would be waiting for the rest of my life. It's in the doing and achievements no matter how small that we heal under any circumstances. Staying stuck in the past, or worrying about the future and then I became undone. So I live in the now, baby steps.

If your mother is hostile towards you for what ever reason as no reason has been clarified or stated by her so anything else is assumption - but regardless if she treats you bad perhaps it's time to move away from her and your past to reinvent yourself? Step out on your own. Take a leap of faith and make a better life environment and challenges for you? That gives self confidence.

To challenge the negative self talk that consistently torments you. I came from a child abuse background and that's exactly what I had to do. And to challenge my own negative feelings of worthlessness by changing my thinking to focus on my strengths and keeping busy chasing goals helped. Talking to a trusted someone occasionally about my anxiety and depression that would come and go alsohelped, but to keep bringing up the past did not as that fed the hold over me. I was still living and experiencing the past pain which I had to let go.

I am doing that now with my daughter - she mistreats me I move away and get on with my own life now instead of allowing it to constantly put me down and hold me back. We ultimately have to deal with the crap life throws at us regardless who inflicted it - so I move away from it and then deal with the damage done by doing and thinking more postive things. I have my bad days, but they got less and the good ones became more. I had a lot of grief, but that passes in time as within my limits I stepped out looking for what matters to me and the reason why I am here.

Dont let anyone take your worth my friend. They are the weak ones if they are not treating you with respect. There is a reason why we are all here and our lives do matter. That's the bigger picture. It's now about working through the pessimism of depression, the damage done to find ourselves again and that purpose that makes dreams happen. It comes down to choices we make every day and what we choose to hold onto and belief about ourselves and lives. It's up to us - not what others think of us.

I have been to hell and back and through not giving up am starting to realise my dreams. No one can judge the future by the tradegies of the past as it has not yet been written. The best in life lyes before you if you believe it. Hope you feel better soon.

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Thanks@Dec I did escape too but everything was against me,I always feel like I wasn't meant to be happy.

@outlander

I felt that being the youngest,and get treated in a way the other two don't.I felt something went wrong in my nurturing because I was obese before I knew it as a child.

Just don't sell yourself short @outlander I did.Got me nowhere except stuck with someone who never helped herself.My depression today is 👇

Yes @outlander

I know your life is a battle field - I understand the concept and see where you are and I know that it is really hard for you to get out of it - mostly financially - but also - I like what @Former-Member said about it

If you were conceived in a loving relationship then more shame on your mother - you have a right to be here regardless of her having unprotected sex - and please try and work your way out of the self-guilt

You have written more here about your assault than I have read before and you were in or on your bed and you were raped - that is certainly not asking for it - and a child has no way of having consensaul sex - it is rape and you did not ask for it

Though to have a man come into your room and start that - I have to wonder and not too long about who that could have been - I have been thinking this for a while and think this person was part of the household where you should have been safe

As for your reaction - people react in one of three ways - flight, fight and fright. It seems pretty sure you were in fright mode and no way could you have yelled or fought back

Some people do scream and fight back - and some people run away - I don't think you were capable of doing either of those things - your were emotionally traumatized and terrified and as I see this more clearly I understand why you haven't wanted to say anything

But in reality - you must - for you own Mental Health - it's vital - but you have to find that person and I think I know now why you can't tell your mother - and right now is probably not a good idea

Oh wow Outlander - I feel for you - I really do

Dec

I really like what you have written here @Former-Member

I have been apart from my own family of origin for years on end at different stages of my life - it was my mother's carping - double messages - constant criticism - I was reconciled with my father for years before he died but with my mother - sorry about it but not really - there was an icy politeness between us while Dad was alive but after he died - no way - it went back to how it had been and I didn't see her for 2.5 years before she died - saw her just before -

And my daughter was prickly for years - we did keep contact but it could be awkward - but we are on good terms now

We do have to define our lives - our boundaries - our own behaviour and how we react or act towards others - all for ourselves - I don't really think we can care for anyone else until we care for ourselves

All the best - I am glad you have made the choices you have and I bet you agree that they are hard choices but better ones

Dec

HI @Former-Member

Mmmm - you do deserve to be happy but I can understand that being obese from before you knew it would have made your life sheer hell - and I have no idea how one gets out of that.

Probably it was a failure to be nutured and how can you be the blame for that - and how cruel people can be toward children for any thing different - way more about being overweight

That must still be so painful for you - and yes - that would cause your despression

I understand - Dec

Hi @Owlunar

Yes they were very hard decisions but ones I had to make to define my boundaries as you stated, so I could finally move ahead with my life and let go of the past grief/abuse/loss. It's never easy but with routine and a positive mindset becomes easier.

I am so glad you are on good terms with your daughter now - a hope I am holding onto myself for the future 😊

HI again @Former-Member

Yes - it does take things like a routine and positive outlook and also being a little selfish at times - to get past all of those negative things that happen to so many people

I'm really glad I found this Forum - my own life has been with my dysfunctional family-of-origin and then being married to a man who was depressed I think - but definitely morose and sullen - he could not react to the childhood emergencies that happen in every family and with my son - he needed a father to be pro-active for him but alas - my ex-h couldn't be that

My daughter was seeing too much of my toxic sister - I will never know the truth but I think they had a falling out at some stage because of something I do know a bit about - since then my daughter has been a lot more thoughtful - we text often - I will be texting her soon - I save all those texts and they are good to read back

So all these years alone have been productive - I have a rather slow routine living with chronic pain now - but far happier as the years pass

I pray for the same for you also

Dec