when is it time for hospital

i had a 2 hour therapy session today.

ive come to the realsisation of something. ive found the root of my problems and without my therapist fully realsising it but i have figured out the torugh.

the truth why my mother hates me, why its only me she picks on, why im the slave of the family, why i was SA, why i have HPV, seen traumas that i never want anyone else to see, and all the rest.

ive worked it out.

I WAS BORN

@Owlunar

she cant go through the school term. Shes going for a wedding, her bf is in the bridal party so they have to be there a day or two before or something like that.
I know the job right- go out and get one- get in trouble for getting one- makes perfect sense does it not.

At the moment my depression is too far through the floor to give a hoot anymore.

Yes Dec im scared, the hpc label is there now and will always be on my records. Its hard having it at this age and for this reason. If I had a bf and just had unprotected sex well then I might not be in this state but its the fact that the monster lives within me and while im safe my body isnt, its still fighitng an invisible ailment still.
Im sorry you went through something similar and im glad your ok now and that nothing bad become of it. People are careless these days still with sharp objects and its disgusting.

I havrnt told my therapist about any of this yet. Shes just starting to scrape in the things about famiily now, then eventually get into the dog attack and hopefully maybe then things will improve.

Thats ok @Owlunar your being very helpful, you just being here is enough

Thanks @outlander

I was born too ,that was the problem!Yes it's easy to see it like that on my day of ghosts too .When I reflect on my life I wish I was never born.

But in your case outlander,as I said with my counseling,it made me feel 10x more vulnerable keep that in mind .That's where I question if it's help because it's a humiliating experience and I think at times it needs to be overhauled because it has many faults.

Hi @outlander

I have known for a long time that your mother is taking this out on you because you were born - but here's the good news - you cannot possibly be possible for that - she made the choice to be irrespobsible and now she's making you pay

To me - this is really terrible - and I know there are other people like you - some were adopted - my son was an adopted child - he felt as if his birth-mother didn't want him - regardless of the truth - and you are in the same situation - but your mother is being a regular b^tch toward you and what on earth could you have done about it - you cannot possibly be the blame - ouch - aw sheesh

You can't win with her - I know this - I couldn't win with my mother so I did go on and do exactly what I wanted to but I was older than you when I did this and it took years to learn how

About the wedding - I didn't realise it was a wedding - now if you were working or otherwise not available - if you had not been born - what would your mother we doing about sisters and this week where you are supposed to be and the ball and responsible - oh wow - I can believe this but you are not in the state to care fo those two single handed with a little help for a week all day pretty much except when you are cleaning out the horse paddocks

I do have to say that is not a job I would like - but regardless

Possibly that man has to be at the wedding rehearsal - but this is really a social event that is going to be a week - at the most they night need to be away for two nights - do you think you could trade down on this - it's okay for two nights mother dear but I am not able to be responible for everything for a whole week - I am still suffering from whatever she thinks

Because that is too much for you - at least from what I have been reading it is far too much and I am concerned for you and your sisters actually

Anyway - I feel all I can do is be here and give you my feedback as to how I see this situation. Keep telling you the truth about what I am gaining insight into and supporting you in whatever way I can

Dec

no need to be concerned about my sisters, ive been looking and have a few fun things that I would like to do. If they are occupied then they wont bug me so much. Ive been talking to another member of the family and she has said that if I need anything to ask and also she is happy to take the kids for a few hours in the morning or afternoon, so I can do my job and also take some time to myself. So im slowly starting to organsie that. I just have to keep thinking its only 7 days.

So far I have bowling, the cinemas and possibly a cake decorating class thingy. So thats three things on three separate days. My middle sister has another thing organised with a friend for the coming holidays so thats 4 days. Only have to work with three more days. The other family member might be able to have them for a full day too. So that could be another day. So thats 5 out of 7.
im slowly working it out. I have to have this prepared.
If its raining or too hot we can have a movie day and hire some of the new movies, get some fairy floss and maybe some card and board games too.
So I think im getting this sorted. The other family member was one who came in to see me in hospital and knows exactly how I am and was so when I ask for help she seems to be willing.
As much as I want to be able to handle it on my own I know I cant so if I can get a few hours to myself a day even just paddock cleaning and then an hour sitting at the beach I think would help.
I think just being around her with the kids will help because my two sisters will play wth her kids too.

I havent really stopped crying yet, im not at home im out and about. I cant face being home yet but ill be heading home soon. This has really hit me hard!
My psych is going to be helping me work through this one by learning to deflect her attitude and pretty much put the lalala head on and ignore her when she gets into a mood.

@Owlunar

@Former-Member

im just starting to get to the root of my cause. And ive finally figured it out. Its so unfortunate. But I guess its the way it is. At least now I know. I can hopefully build my life around this and learn from her mistakes. I wont be having kids but if on the odd chance I might adopt then I can learn and give back what I know. And yes 2 hours was super draining.

@Former-Member just going to move our convo over to here

you wrote:

Hello again @outlander
Is your mother saying you ruined her life @outlander - or is that something you feel without that being said? I had a child out of wedlock when 19 (pregnant at 18, father asked me to marry him but I said no. We lived together for 10 painful years but never do I blame my children). And I do remember that life transition as being a direct result of the choices I made. I also remember the incredible love and bond I felt for my son, regardless of the hardship it did inflict as a result of my doing, I also experienced a love I had never known and a incredible bond. It's was a beautiful life saving experience (stopped me from drinking so much - responsibility can do that). My son was a gift.
If I was to of blamed my son for my own actions and resulting consequences I would have to say the deficency and problem lyed with me - not my son. And life does not stop when we have children. To blame that 20 years or so on for our problems now is a scapegoat and not the reality. A person is responsible for how their lives turn out - how they deal with what life throws at them. Blaming is a form of denial.
Believe me a loving child is the greatest gift we can ever be offered. I know, I lost mine.

my mother isnt actually saying it but when i was speaking to my therapist earlier today- it went for 2 hrs! we were getting down to some of the things that casue my anxiety and we got into relationship and it lef to my mother and our relationship. i told her how she was before she had me and then now. my therapist said it seems like maybe shes angry at my father -the bf she was with for years before i came along- but becasue hes not around. im that creating, im his so ill have to do. so she blames me for everything that hapened when i was born, he left, she lost her freedom, and had to be a mother to a screaming child instread of her usual partying with friends.

i dont know how i can be different, how can i not be his. ive already said to her i dont want contact with him etc etc and i have never once contacted him nor really asked about him. she wouldnt let me get in contact with him to see what illness run in the genes- when i went for my first pap smear- not my doing- i was sexually abused- so that if something does run in the family then i can tell them. she contacted him for me.

ive already learnt my lesson- never ever ever have unprotected sex- never! thats another story though.

i dont know how to fix this. hwo do i stop being his so she will love me and not blame me

Hi dear @outlander

If your mum is not saying this I wouldn't be taking that she blames you as gospel. Your mother may well be feeling hurt and abandoned by what your father did all those years ago but not blaming you for it. That's assuming too much without it being confirmed by your mother. Don't go blaming yourself my friend as you had nothing to do with your father leaving. The love was not solid to start with and he did not want the responsibility. His loss in the long run as he lost the chance for a relationship with his beautiful daughter. That's the truth.

When we feel down we can tend to think this way - i.e. I feel worthless so it must of been my fault why he left and why mum is unhappy. That is depression projecting and not the reality. My poor sweet @outlander - the sexual abuse is more likely the cause of why you feel the way you do. I understand that is not something you would want to talk about openly here but please seek professional support from someone who specialises in that field. I feel for you. I hope all the sickness in your home heals very soon and that your own emotional pain eases. Warm hugs xx