when is it time for hospital

Hi @outlander

I have passed through my bad dates for now and nothing you have ever said has been too much for me

It actually helps because it does remind me of how hard I worked for my son and how hard it was so long ago to get help - and you are not going anywhere near any boundaries I have had to put up in some areas

So it's okay - I would like to explain better but no - not really on such a forum -

But go ahead - you are sensitive to other people

Dec

@Owlunar ive seen a little bit but only through what youve written on your thread and on here.

everyone has to put up boundaries for their own mental health, ive had to do that with some threads before too.

atm im just i dont know, its hard to describe all these swirling feelings. i just dont know how to 'be' im usually the one who fixes everything and yet i cant fix myself

and you @Owlunar are a sensitive person yourself, under that wise tough owl- thats why your purple coloured

Hi @outlander

It's because you are thinking about S that I am concerned - not worried - there is a big difference

Because of that you really need to tell your doctor about it and be very open with him and her about the way things are at home

It's pathetic that your mother is letting you go through all of this because they are waiting on Government Housing - they are both working - wow - I don't understand that

What went on that you read something about. I had asked someone to respect that I couldn't stay with them for a while but they did not respect that - it was about boundaries - not actually anything I can talk about because of the other person. You are nowhere near like that - so don't worry. You are okay about that kind of thing

Dec

Yes - I am like a tough old owl and I am wearing my purple jumper today which is a bit tight - but I have to go out and it's cold today

You are not making anything worse for me -

Dec

You can't fix yourself right now - you need help to do that and I know your mother said that this would happen and it didn't

Yes - this is so bad

Dec

@outlander

@Owlunar those thoughts haven been around for a little bit now but was one of the main reasons i ended up in hospital when i did. i meantioned making plans and that sent alarm bells everywhere.

it just got to the point in my life that off here- no one was listening, caring, worthless and hopeless as a person and alot of those associated negative thoughts and i couldnt handle it. it was like hitting a brick wall every single day. i couldnt handle anything.

im even more worried now that with all this stress and my immune system now that the hpv will progress. my body never gets a chance to jsut let itself be and fight it, its always fighting everything else including its own mind. this has me more worried than anything else. if it progresses and it get worse and gets to a point where i need treatment that will send me off the rails at the moment im trudging on the other side but that would send me right over the other edge and i dont know what eould happen.

its hard to ask for boundaries but sometimes it needs to be done, i myslef learnt this the very very hard way and ive learnt to never do that ever again. if someone asks for boundaries thats it no questions asked unless its a simple slip up but rarely. i stick to myself now and am very very careful about where i am at any point in time. sad but its the way it has to be its better for me and its better for them and its better for everyone else too.

yes tough old owl but very wise, sensitive and kind- not a bad person or have a bad bone in you.

yes ive been lied to quite abit. i dont trust anyone in life form anymore and if i do it takes a very long time. and that for a 20yr old is sad, sad ive seen only but the cruelest things and hav learnt many life lessons that will stay with me forever

Hi again @outlander

Yes - I know you went to hospital because you told someone about your SI - and that was a good thing - I was so relieved when I found you had gone to hospital because you really needed to be there

But I can't tell if you are that bad yet - but being so ignored and feeling so worthless and closing it down to make it safe by pleasing other people at your cost is not good at all

I just took a pause to sit and think about your situation a bit

That is a valid concerned about your body needing a rest so it can fight the hpv situation. Does your mother know about this? I think she doesn't because it's probable that you contracted that when you were abused and you have never told her about that

And I think that this is really making everything being really hard for you - that is so bad - you have only told a couple of rather remote therapist-type people about that and people don't heal easity when they have been through that kind of assault.

In fact it is something that causes a person to devaluate themselves and this is happening to you. I feel so badly for you on your behalf - in 20 years you have seen so much cruelty and domestic violence and loss and none of this is your fault - it happened around you and it happened to you

It's good that you keep posting about this - to me - to Faith and Hope - she's a pretty wise and sensitive person too

Keeping in touch with this forum is the best thing you can do right now - and we certainly care about you

Dec

@Owlunar

i know i needed to be there, for my safety as well as others, i was starting to turn very quickly on myself and i was worried i was going to take other people with me. but i am ok at the moment.

im not quite at that point again but if things keep happening beyond my control and i have nothing then it will. my gp can already see it happening too.

my situation sucks it does it does.

my mother doesnt know. the only people that know are my gp and womens health nurse and the victims fo crime counsellor which im no longer continuing with. when people take bloods and things they would know but they dont say anything. this form is apparently pretty commmon but it needs time to be fought off, it can take a year in healthy people that dont ahve anxiety and depressin etc to fight as well on top of it all. yes thats the only way i wouldve contracted it i was and would be still a virgin if it wasnt for those cases- yep more than just once.

ive been devalued for a long time, imagine what would happen if i told family i have HPV. not good and i dont think they would beleive me anyway. it is seriously scaring the shite out of me and it affects everything that i do. at first i couldnt even stand being anywhere but home in case i was leaving germs everywhere. i try not to handle things that arent mine and i was very weary about taking on the part time horse care becasue of it. i was worried i was leaving germs everywhere and spreading it around. i know. i know its only contracted through sexual contact but still it did and still does affect me that way. its pretty scary stuff and it jsut adds to the fear and memories i have becasue now it literally live inside me.

i dont post this stuff to F&H. the only people are really the people on here and the im back thread. i try not to tag other into it anymore so no ones obliged to join or comment. i know shes wise and sensitive too.

these forums are the best thing that happened to me despite a few hiccups but in general. you people have pretty much saved me

I just read your post @outlander - and it's important - I'll do my best to answer it when I get back from the hairdresser and do some shopping

Hold on tight - you have a lot of things to deal with atm and I am glad that the forum is working for you - as it is for me

Dec

i hope you come back feeling pampered and refreshed after your hair dresser @Owlunar