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@ lapses Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.
He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).
My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.
Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.
Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.
Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.
Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.
Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.
Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.
My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.
Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.
It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.
I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.
I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.
Hi @ adge you are welcome to talk on any other thread, people have posted well meaning replies to me here and I did bring it up but it's not good for me to get reminders often
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
TABSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Very good point @Former-Member I sorta used it the other way round maybe, fuelling person who answered by saying who (from opposite end of spectrum, well who you would have thought 'most likely ' hadn't replied) so gives them a free hit if they take it up ...
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
AdgeSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
@Former-Member
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
AdgeSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Do we have any forum rules about keeping to the topic (staying on topic) in a thread? Thanks @Former-Member
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
I'm really tired of tonight but hear you. Just do the best you can. Hope we sleep well tonight and have peaceful day tomorrow. @Adge, constructing a post for you (saved) but will finish when brain more switched on. 🌷🌿🐦
In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
jazzSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
often threads and topics turn into conversation, if you want you can email management and they can have a look at it as I am not sure how else to respond. Hope you are ok though and if you are triggered by anyway then I can support you @Adge
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
TABSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
@Adge I meant that somehow I got pulled over to this thread re mentioning my mother's passing. I was trying to say it doesn't help me to be reminded of it. Thanks tho @Former-Member but it wasn't an unexpected event she was old ill, infirm etc so had time to 'pre process' .. anyhoo
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
TABSenior Contributor
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
So sorry if topics wandered @ adge, and you felt the need to contact moderators directly. Am happy to stay off your patch. I came here via a reply from lapses . Happy to talk on other threads if you would like
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Unknown userMember
Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering
Hi @Adge, its discouraging to have pain, and no energy left to do the things you enjoy or need - your aviaries (birds) & shopping, yoga etc But glad you're pushing through yoga which has other benefits. What's causing your joint pain, arthritis?
I'm feeling insecure enough to have insecure feelings, and hypervigilence to rejection / people hating me. Even on the forums. But so far able to not let those thoughts take over.
Thats interesting h/w your psych gave you - finding ways to relax at home with your own company (not task focused). Its interesting isolation is a trigger for you, even at home, and I think maybe you try to busy yourself to take your mind off the internal pain. Some would say this is helpful for grief - "hand to task" - its a kind of mindfulness I would have thought. Maybe you could do 2hrs on 2hrs off when at home. That's what I have to do re my back pain anyway. The thing is not to beat yourself up when you do relax. I have mounting home maintenance and projects that even interfere with daily function a lot, but I'm learning not to worry, just don't care this last year or so (not sure why the change, accept too tired). Glad nobody lives with me now - there's actually freedom in not having critics around (not even in your own head) 🙂
Sorry its hard for you to find expression for your grief, and the absence of others who shared your dad (and my girl) does make it hard. I know this well. My family ALL live away, only my sister knew my girl well and she cut me off that sane year (an overlapping double wammey that nearly killled me). I do have one acquainted that knew her that I converse with from time to time. Her daughter and mine were friends. Some cultures deliberately refrain from talking of the dead, especially saying their name. But it is sad your Mum & brothers refuse to speak of your Dad this last year. I'm guessing its too confronting for them. Also, its a very hard topic to bring up in front of people, highly personal, painful vulnerable state. Withdrawal is common. I don't want to get that real and personal with hurtful people - all my family, or my x... They would trample my pearls in the mud. Sometimes I actuallu think we're better off alone 😞
Hope next weeks Grief Study interview next week is mutually beneficial for you and the uni research. Probably doesn't matter either way maybe?
Well, hope this makes sense, so tired, haha You have a good day today 🌷🌿🐦
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