Grief & loss - may be triggering

hello @Adge

so sorry for your loss

yes it is loss

whether you liked the person or not. there is still an emptiness left even when someone we did not like leaves this world. The hate, trauma, imageries, building up of emotions, pent up emotions buried have nowhere to attach to only a fading memory

i am not sure if you are in writing this forgiving perhaps not your father, but yourself, for all of the pain that you have carried and all of the hurt it has carried

this is only a possibility, noone can answer the reason why except yourself. you might not ever be able to do that either. There are already too many unanswered questions for you.

you will not be judged for your feelings, your choices. this is about you and therefore you do not have to write on here what your decision is; you can just write the feelings that surround his death as they come up

hopefully you will find a way talking about these emotions with your psychologist

i have had many losses in my life not measured against anyone elses. these are my losses

i need no measurement

i am coming to turns with grief of my living son and his diagnosis

this is the biggest loss i have ever incurred. a mother son loss

i live in the moment only

there is no future as the medical world implies; the future has not yet been written

so i say to you if you cannot grieve come to terms with forgiving yourself the rest will happen

take care of your tender, vulnerable soul xxxx

Hi Adge, you did it, started a thread 👍 Only just found it though as didn't tag to email properly.

Your life has been so hard, so many major stressors & losses (loved ones, health, childhood, family support, family of your own, a marriage/spouse, sexual identity, peace, sense of self, dreams...). Its an awful lot to carry, especially on your own. I feel for you.

Sounds like youre suffering a compounding affect where its all got too much to carry, caught up with you so to speak and demanding your attention.

I often ponder over why this happens (to me too) and have a theory that might make sense to some: I think its that emotional disconnect early in life - our defenses trained us to ignore how we feel, our heart issues. It was the only survival skill available to us then, and it has hardwired us to be this way (reflex/instinct). But, but dont think its meant to be used long term, its use should be short term. If stressors are not addressed and balanced out in time - we eventually crash, or breakdown - because we're human.

I think the compounding impact of all our trauma hitting at once is like a long heavy freight train whos engine (brain) seised up and stopped suddenly, coming to an abrupt holt, and all the overloaded carriages crash into each other, causing i giant m#und of rubble, carriages and cargo one on top of another, and around the fallen derailed engine - that can't find a way forward anymore (best discription of my breakdown yet). Yep, its a war zone. Of cause this is all happening on the inside and people don't see it, usually. I feel it with you Adge. I've been there, still getting back on track. Don't give up!

I am Sorry you lost your dad - and only last year, and after a long painful 6yr cancer battle - horrible way to spend ones last years. My mum is 2.5yrs down the same path. Sometimes cancer "treatments" seem barbaric to me re poor quality of life, with the same outcome, just delayed. Fortunately they have decided my mums 82yo heart isn't strong enough to endure these crippling interventions.

Do you feel guilty that you weren't there for your dad more? He wouldn't want you to you know. I'm distant from my mum too over the years (physically and emotionally). Distance for so long sure does take its toll on relationships but you know, moving away - we did what we thought was best at the time with the information we had. Hindsight is not a fair judge. Forget guilt.

Sorry you lost your beautiful childhood to a tumultuous upbringing and SA (might have to save this topic for another time).

Broken marriages are so crushing, such betrayal of deep love and personal sacrifice. I too have had that stolen from me. Even though I did have children, it was so distressing most the time because of him, before and after the divorce, it was a far cry from the dream I had for my life, still is, even lost a teen, my youngest, my only girl, the boys are distant. When she died - talk about derailment!!! "going off the rails" & compounding carriages... - what a sorry mess i was 5yrs back, and everyone ran away. I'm slowly learning to remake myself, but it has been a very very hard journey of faith (believing in something I cannot see - a future). I started by telling myself that "its not over yet - I'm still here for a reason"

Memories of SA only 3 months after the end of your marriage - wow, two very big stressors in one year. Any wonder you were shaken to the core, identity and all and wanting to leave behind all that you were. Without minimilising your experience in the slightest, and to let you know your not alone, it happened to me too - at 23yo part of my childhood SA (11yo) came back to me like a big screen movie - totally shattered all that I thought I was - I'd been living a lie. I have never recovered - in the sence that I have not been able to handle stress as well, or full time work - no matter how hard I try I keep crashing (so bipolar) which I'm coming to terms with / managing better). I too have had doubts and wandered about my gender - but manage not to act it out, by choice. Hormones are not love I decided, finally, for me anyway - but it was so hard being lonely with a couple of gay friends. I think I understand a little. People need to feel, to exchange love.

Your health emergencies / major bowel surgeries and colostomy - that would be horrible (was gonna say '#hitty' but not sure if you'd appreciate the joke). Glad they could reverse it 6 months later. How did you get through all that? And nearly dying! No doubt a little ptsd residule from all that needs thinking through. The body has great intelligence, it prioritises.'survival' so while it put all energy into surviving that very difficult life threatening trauma (surgery etc) it had to push down emotional stuff for later. It truly does build up if we leave it unattended, and it comes back to bite us later, at the most inoppatune time. I have to make a conscious effort to go THROUGH it (face it head on):- not go around, over, under it. Wandering, was it cancer that needs constant monitoring for you now?

I'm glad your dad eventually mellowed and showed kindness before he died. Guess you will always want more time with him, the latter dad - of cause it was hard to lose him. Especially given that he helped you when you needed it most (he loved you! Maybe facing his own death caused him to try put things right with you). They say that love, that connection, is so important because its the only thing we take with us into eternity. I'm glad you found that with your dad - but understand how hard it is now - living in two separate worlds.

Centrelink pressuring people with MI to "find work or starve in the streets" really do have a lot to answer for. Recovery from trauma takes a lot of time, and support, not the opposite. This angers me so much i might have to shelve it for next time. But I hear that you feel stuck in employment that is eating away at you. Who needs that! A draining job is like your surgeries, its near impossible to address internal pain properly when confronted with more pressing daily demands. Your grief probably HAS been largely on hold, on a conscious level anyway. Having said that, the shimonscious is doing more than we know behind the scenes. with grief i suspect, time does make a difference, Give yourself time.

Do you light a candle for ya dad regularly? Talk with him? Write him letters? Have a photo you touch as you walk by? Can you put a slideshow together for him? A little bit at a time. I have filled a book of letters to my girl and things I think I hear her telling / showing me. it all helps. The first 2yrs is the hardest. You may have started your grieving after your dads diagnosis and be further along than you realise. Next time you're doing a relaxation exercise, think about your dad and ask yourself where in your body you feel his loss?. Doing this (about any feeling) helps put me in touch with my feelings, slowly. Grounding exercises are good. Us C-ptsd people have to rewire this early disconnect from our emotions (I feel) - doing it nearly every day is critical to help me function normal'sh, I find. Never been good at discipline - but it becomes survival thing, for me.

I'm glad you are seeing a psychologist, but its sad they don't prioritise the grief process more. I've had the same problem and had to find resources elsewhere.

Apparently our MEMORY is affected by stress (adrenalin) and depression and c-ptsd (or so my Dr says - telling me not to worry). When we shut off pain - memories can go with it. Its just us 'escaping' / surviving! Untill we learn better skills. More able to face it. If necessary. I have heard pure coconut oil is good for memory, so trying that atm myself. For short term memory, don't really want to uncover anymorecof my crap childhood.

I put some mindfulness exercises in my phone to make it easier to do more often.

Try to make the most of your time not at work, I need to sleep more when I'm forced into the world - it exhausts me but I don't beat myself up over it anymore, or my messy kitchen lol. Self compassion 🙂

I don't have all the answers, only my own experience, each of us have to find our own path, but I'll walk with you a while :).

Sorry this is so long. Hope it makes sense and makes you feel less alone 💜💕

This took me over an hour, it timed out, I rewrote, then got redlighted, had to rewrite... So don't do long ones often. Only have mobile to do it on which doesn't help.

Gotta go have late dinner - hugz 💜

Lapses 💕

Thanks so much @Former-Member

I forgot to say that I'm happy for people to write or share their experiences of grief & healing on this thread.

It was so hard to put the words together to express what I wrote in this first post.

Many of the experiences that I mentioned (including loss of health) are types of grief or things to mourn & adjust to - although they are not often recognised (or seen) as grief & loss.

My father had become the person who I was closest to, & had the most contact with - even though that contact was nearly always by telephone conversation, because he lived in a different city.

He was the one person who flew over from the east coast to stay with me for support, when I was seriously ill (twice) after both hospitalisations for emergency bowel surgery.

He was seriously ill himself, & barely mobile (not easily able to walk) - yet he was the one who came over, when more able-bodied relatives did (or could) not.

The second time that Dad flew over (after my last surgery), was the last time that I saw him before he died.

I'm sorry to hear about your son's diagnosis, that sounds so hard for you.

Yes self-forgiveness, you are right. So important. We forgive others often, yet are not so sure to forgive ourselves (even years later).

I appreciate your thoughts.

Adge

Thanks @Former-Member Yes I do feel less alone, reading what you shared. I really appreciate it - wow 1 hour, you put in a lot of effort. It took me ages to write the first post in this thread too.

I can relate to what you said about emotional disconnect & defences - my defences certainly were torn down after the ending of my marriage, & especially after my SA was disclosed for the first time (about 3 months after).

The train wreck analogy, derailed with no clear way forward - really fits. I described (thought of) it as a "can of worms" that had been opened - I could not close the can, or get the worms back in. They slithered away, out of the can...

Yes I have felt much guilt over not seeing Dad far more often, like missing out on many opportunities. You're spot on there.

I did do what I thought was best at the time, what I thought I needed to do - in moving away.

In some sense my relationships over the distance (with family members) have seemed much better than they might have been if I had stayed living there.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost your daughter, that's so incredibly hard. I can relate to your experience of everyone running away - that's exactly what happened to me, after my (ex) wife left.

I can relate to what you said about being shattered by memories or flashbacks of childhood SA. I'm sorry to hear that you experienced that. I've never been the same since, that was 6 & 1/2 years ago.

Yes I got your joke about ileostomy/colostomy being ...hitty. That is rather funny.. It was ..hitty.

I lost almost 1/4 of my entire body weight, & came out of hospital looking like a skelton. I had no people to stay with me, & no social support.

Yes it was very hard. That's when Dad flew over to come & stay with me.

It was a major bowel obstuction, a tumor (& volvulus they called it) - although not cancerous, thank goodness. Nothing could get through (it all came up the other way). That's why they had to operate immediately, then again 3 days later (because it went seriously wrong), then again 6 months later - yay I got rid of the stoma & bag.

Yes trauma therapy & healing from trauma takes many years, even decades apparently. Although CBT & some professionals seem to think that things can be "fixed" in just 10 sessions - not true at all.

A candle to remember Dad is a good idea, I've only done that once or twice - I could do that more often. Photos, I've only got one or two - I could use that too. I've had suggestions to write Dad letters, yet I haven't ever written one yet - I would like to.

Relaxation exercises are so important, & grounding - I don't do nearly enough of either of those, I'm still trying to find methods that work for me.

I do a breathing (& mindfulness) meditation briefly once or twice a day - that does help (sometimes quite a lot), although often not enough.

Seeing a psychologist is helpful, although as you said they don't prioritise the grief process. It's largely been left out. I've so far been unable to access any grief supports - I did try for many months, with no result.

Mindfulness exercises on your phone sounds like a great idea, I had not thought of that. I'm still trying to work out how to use (& make the most of) these new "smartphone thingies".

Thanks so much. Hugs to you too, if you would like.

Adge

@Owlunar

@Former-MemberThanks.

Is there any way that you can give me a link to that anxiety thread? I still have much trouble finding threads on the site.

I don't think it's rubbish at all, I just have great difficulty in being aware of grief or physical sensations in my body, etc.

My work hours (& location) change on a daily basis, I'm only told at 4pm the afternoon before who I'm with, where, & for how long.

This is very stressful, & makes scheduling personal (& support) appointments extremely difficult - almost impossible. So many of my appointments have been cancelled due to this on-going situation.

I rarely work over 30 hours per week, but the travel involved is enormous - it's located a long distance from me, & also involves driving clients around for hours during the shift. I often drive about 100 kilometres a day, which is far too much driving for me.

I am trying to apply for (& get) work with fixed working hours (routine), that is much closer to home - yet the support appointment that is for assisting me with job applications, keeps getting cancelled due to my changing (unknown) work hours. A catch 22 you might say.

Good luck with your GP appointment, I'm thinking of you & wishing you well.

Adge