Grief & loss - may be triggering

Thanks @Former-Member Disability work can be very isolating, working on your own one on one with people. It's hard to keep my head above water, quite often.

I really appreciate the interactions & responses I have with people on here. It's not the same as face to face, but it does help.

My birds are doing well & seem quite happy, thanks. Except for the heat.

I could see them panting out in the aviaries yesterday afternoon, so I sprayed the aviary roofs with the garden hose.

They love that (it cools them down) - the canaries & finches huddle up to the wire to get a bit of a shower from the hose.

I bought a few lovely canaries a few days ago, bright orange with brown wings (& a white one). So there's a few more of them happily singing away out there, at the moment.

It's so lovely to wake up to the sound of my canaries singing in the morning. I wouldn't want to go without it....

Adge

Poor Dad. He's been gone almost 2 years now.

He said "Goodbye, I'll see you soon" the last time I ever heard him (on the telephone). I wish I could have seen him soon.

I never saw him again, he died the next day.

It's been too hard the last few days, especially today. Work keeps me in constant stress, & triggers hyper-vigilance (CPTSD) symptoms repeatedly.

Then I come home to living alone, with no company or social support of my own at home. After supporting people who have aggressive behaviours & who hit me, all day.

It's too much, I can't do it any more. It's all so meaningless. I just want to curl up in a ball, & make it all go away...

Adge

Oh @Adge, this is a hard day for you, and its your dad's passing anniversary is hitting you hard this year. I feel your pain in your words. Of cause it all seems too much tonight... I hear you...
- too hard the last few days ✳
- work is constant stress
- daily hostile clients
- cPTSD triggers repeatedly
- come home to living alone
- no company or social support
- it all seems too much
- fears we can't take any more
- it all seems so meaningless
- wanting to curl up in a ball (escape)
- make it all go away...

😟 hugzz @)Adge,

deep breaths,

believe me when I say - it will pass

Are you safe?

Please email one of the sane @Former-Member, @moderator and have a chat, or ring suicide callback, or lifeline, & talk it out a bit - I find it takes the edge of the emotional pain, the distress - and the dark thoughts then lesson enough to be stronger than them

How are you now? (an hour+ since you posted) - let me know you're safe. Talk more...

Thinking of you @AdgeAdge, hope you're having an early night. Sleep tight. Light & love your way 💜

Thanks so much @Former-Member That's a lovely quote.

Yes I've survived almost drowning at least twice (had to be rescued) when young.

I survived long-term childhood abuse, neglect & SA which continued for more than 20 years.

I almost died twice in hospital (they told me) before & after my emergency bowel surgeries.

I've survived several serious assaults, one at the workplace where I worked.

You're right, I have been through a lot.

My psychologist has said several times that I am very resilient - I wish I could remember (& feel) that way.

Adge

Oh sorry @Former-Member I forgot to respond to your earlier queries.

Yes I'm safe, just very down the last few day. No I'm not suicidal, thanks for your concern.

Calling crisis lines is a good idea - it took years of prodding & encouraging from my psychologist, to get me to phone them for the first time.

She gave me homework to phone lifeline about 2 years ago, just to get used to doing it (or the idea).

She even said that I could tell them that my psychologist had given me homework to phone them (which I did).

Unfortunately I haven't been able to get myself to phone one of those services for many months. I can't seem to express myself or know what to say.

Adge