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Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 10:42 pm AEST

Grief & loss - may be triggering

@ lapses
Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.

He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).

My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.

Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.

Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.

Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.

Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.

Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.

Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.

My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.

Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.

It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.

I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.

I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.

Adge

596 replies

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In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember17 Nov 2017, 3:32 am AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Crisis helplines sometimes have people good at asking the right questions to draw you out of yourself & talk. If not hang up & ring again, get someone different. Once they saved me (OD) fell asleep talking to them (oops, that survival par of you s can be strong). I think the problem for those of us with childhood neglect or abuse - we are hard wired not to ask for help, or even know when we need to. Deep down we think we can handle anything, alone, because we already have, 24/7 Unfortunately, the default coping we learned is the switching off, detachment from our pain, so we struggle identifying when we're at breaking point. So, that's why I sometimes ring lifeline if I have nobody else, to take the edge off. Loneliness itself hurts, but you have been through so much trauma as well. So have I (though not as much), and many here on the forums. It does mess with our heads, or rather become difficult to carry. Or cope with much additional life pressure. We really to need to acknowledge this in us, validate yourself and be proactive in keeping pressure / stress down - live a calm life, be our own best friend & self care. Like you're doing re going to bed early 👍
You've come a long way Adge. Be proud of yourself. Be kind to yourself, especially when dealing with the anniversary dates of lossed loved ones - your dad, that's a huge internal pressure for a few weeks - take it easy. Light a candle. for him whenever you feel it. Hugzz 💜💜💜

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember17 Nov 2017, 3:46 am AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember05 Dec 2017, 9:36 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Adge, looking for you, wondering how ya going? Are you OK? Have Any plans to be with family or so... for Christmas? I have no concrete plans at this time. Shop VolWk has Christmas party / Chinese dinner next Sat so think that will be it for me. Son let the job rejections get to you, employment is hard. Centrelink themselves lives put off another 1,000 ppl last week (shaking my head). You have a good night 💜💜💜

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor05 Dec 2017, 10:28 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member Thanks for thinking of me, that's kind of you.

I'm in a bad space at the moment - it's worse after a busy day driving between so many appointments etc.

Then I finally get to stop, & I just feel depressed, exhausted - & think what was the point in all that frantic rushing & effort?

My relatives all live in Sydney. I've always been in WA on my own (past 23 years).

I've spent the past 7 Christmases on own, since my marriage ended 7 years ago.

I have no one to spend it with. Except one year, when a family invited me to their Christmas gathering.

So I would be at home alone on Christmas day (I nearly always have been).

This year I've booked into one of those local council sponsored Christmas lunches for people who don't have family to spend christmas with (or anywhere to go).

I went to that lunch last year too. I would much rather have close friends or people to spend Christmas with, but I dont.

So that's me making an extra effort to be social with a large group of strangerswho I've never met.

It's something nice, but that's all I've got - no other gatherings or celebrations.

I really miss the family gift-giving at Chistmas time. I haven't had that in 8 years at least.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember05 Dec 2017, 10:54 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Oh @Adge 😞 that's pretty sad, but good on you for booking into the council lunch. Is it poaaublw to be proactive and ask family if you can stay a few days over Christmas? Most my family are in sydney too, 1200km away, a lot further for you. Christmas can be do stressful when it rrmi ds us of all those negative family interactions.
Perhaps talking here might help a little, I'll try check in more. Don't wanna be anoyinh lol

My cuz in Sydney has offered her unit if I want yo house-dit while she's away 18th - 8th, but I've pictured bring there so me and thinking I might be happier here, at home. None of my siblings have been here since Jan 2011, NY sis & parents came tobmy girls funeral (not one if my 4 bros). I've given up hoping they'll surprise me one day. My son comes usually, splits up the days between me and his dad. He's very busy building his business this year, and doing well. I'm thinking it might be good to have a quiet Christmas too.

Getting sleepy here. Take care of those birds, and you 🐦💜🐦

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor06 Dec 2017, 10:53 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member Yes those are good ideas (suggestions) that you have.

Unfortunately any trip to visit my folks in Sydney is emotionally draining, not a holiday or rest at all - as much as I do want to spend more time with them. It's often the opposite of self-care.

There's no chance of my going over there in the near future, as I don't have any time off over Christmas - work doesn't have a break over Christmas or New Year.

It's very hard to ever convince either my Mum or brothers to fly over here (& stay with me), which is always by far the best option (for me).

They are always determined to convince me to fly over there - when I can't afford it, & I've flown over there many more times than they've come here.

I've never felt happy spending Christmas on my own, it doesn't feel like Christmas at all (or a celebration) without any family (or friendship) gathering.

Of course some quiet is a good thing, I need my own space.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember06 Dec 2017, 11:10 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Yes @Adge, you do soundvlike an introvert. Need to be alone to recharge. Guess Christmas is a cultural thing and we feel different when we dont do what everyone else around us is doing. Then theres the 'left out' thing, not belonging... It sucks, but I just collect some yummy food and quietly party with movies ,& snacks. What choice do we have. 💙💙💙

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor07 Dec 2017, 10:38 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Due to cost-cutting measures (many over the past few months) - there is no local work Christmas get-together this year.

Instead, they pressured staff to come to the client party (only for the clients) after-hours without pay, to help run it & clean-up after. In the evening, & a long drive from me.

40 disabled clients were to be at the party, creating mayhem - as always happens with large groups of clients all together at once (like that). No thanks.

It's rather insulting & very upsetting to be told to go to someone else's party, to help run it - when there is no celebration or event being provided for you.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember08 Dec 2017, 6:19 am AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Disappointing worplace changes @Adge, will they at least be paying you to attend the client's party? Especially since youll be looking after them? Can you organise a staff get together yourself, maybe a meal & secret Santa $10 gifts? Most my work life was nursing and I have no memory of them organising staff socials. However, this year I'm blown away by the large Volly Org I work for at the shop. Foundbout yesterday they're actually paying for our Chinese Meal & Drinks tomorrow. This has never happened to me before, wow! Any suggestions for my $10 Secret Santa Gift?

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor08 Dec 2017, 10:21 am AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

I didn't go to the client christmas party @Former-Member

My yoga class is pre paid, & I wasn't willing to sacrifice that.

I certainly wasn't able to drive to work & back at that time of night either.

Most or many work places actually do pay for a staff christmas function - it only appears to be the not for profit sector that doesn't (or that uses cost cutting as an excuse).

Your work function sounds nice. I'm sure you all deserve it.

It's supposed to be a reward for hard work over the entire year.

Maybe chocolates for secret Santa?

Adge

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