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Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 10:42 pm AEST

Grief & loss - may be triggering

@ lapses
Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.

He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).

My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.

Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.

Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.

Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.

Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.

Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.

Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.

My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.

Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.

It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.

I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.

I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.

Adge

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In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

TechuniqueSenior Contributor07 Oct 2017, 2:47 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

I can understand where your are coming from, wish I couldn't. (wish you weren't having to come from there either.) I don't know how anyone else feels on the subject, but I think none of us would be on this forum if we didn't feel like a mess, at least a little. I've just recevoered (partially) from a mental event as well, and the stresses of my life are once again building. I can't say I have any really huge advice that will make your life better, but try to be patient with yourself. We're all on a very hard road, even when compared to the hard road every human is on just by being alive. Much like a road there is not a definite end, it goes through many locations and we either walk through them or we stop there, just make sure that if you are going to stop that you like the scenery and people around you. I can't say I've followed this advice consistently but it helps me to remind myself if I'm stopping next to a river to smell the flowers or stopping in a gutter to wallow (not a judging statement a description of different places I've stopped)

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

TechuniqueSenior Contributor07 Oct 2017, 2:53 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

I'm not a big sports fan anymore. Used to play winger though, this weekend I'm doing some more work on my healthcare mental care and living situation. I hate doing all these, but I will enjoy the results! Other than that I'm planning on going to a music festival, if the hurricane that's due to make landfall doesn't cancel it. I'm in no danger on that front, quite far in land. Thank you for showing interest in my life it means the world to me that people on this site are concerned about more than the facet of me that has troubles with reality. Makes me feel something I haven't felt enough of for a long time, human. So many doctors treat me like a puzzle and so many others treat me like a danger, it's no fun, easier to soldier on when someone just treats me like a friend. How about you, any big plans this weekend?

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor07 Oct 2017, 7:21 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Techunique You sound very insightful & self-aware about the issues that people face, & yourself.

There's no single or pivotal traumatic event in my background - 20 years+ of my early life was repeated & continual trauma.

So I was most likely struggling with complex PTSD for over 25 years, before it was ever diagnosed.

I'm trying to use the weekend to rest & maybe recover (if possible) - I'm ill with another chest & sinus infection, only 2 weeks after I finally recovered from the 4 week-long illness (bout).

Being ill with Bronchitis took up 3 weeks out of my 4 week holiday leave. Not happy Jan (about that), as the saying goes...

I'm trying to find something positive to focus on with what's left of today.

Stopping to smell the roses sounds like a great idea, although I need to remind myself to do that...

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2017, 8:57 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Adge, @Techunique. Hope your weekend was restful ☺

💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor08 Oct 2017, 9:15 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Yours too @Former-Member

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor14 Oct 2017, 9:41 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi everyone.

I just had waves of sadness & grief wash over me, all of a sudden this afternoon. Without any warning, & when I wasn't even thinking (initially) about Dad at all.

I've had few specific thoughts of Dad in many months, maybe even for over 12 months - & I've still not been able to remember memories of him.

Despite one or two people saying that I'm probably working through my grief, I don't agree.

I think the Griefline counsellor was right (last year), when they said it sounded like my grief over Dad has stayed frozen (or on hold) - until conditions are right, or I feel safe enough to be more in touch with it.

That's not by choice, as I really wanted to deal with it back then...

It's like a heavy weight or "monkey on my back", as the saying goes.

I still can't believe that Minx puss is gone, it's so empty without her. It's been over 3 weeks since the vet euthanased her, & I had to bury her in the back yard.

She had been with me since she was a little kitten, ever since I moved into the house 15 years ago.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember15 Oct 2017, 1:17 am AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

"waves of sadness & grief all of a sudden"
"Not been able to remember memories of dad"
I' sorry u have no good f
I liked what the Griefline counsellor said too, as right (It sounded like my grief over Dad has stayed frozen / on hold.

🐦💜🐦

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor29 Oct 2017, 10:24 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

I've tried again to attach the photos from my bus tour trips of the south-west.

I still couldn't do it, as the forum system said that each (& every) photo is too large.

Which is very strange, because they are actually very small pictures, taken with my phone.

I've not found any way to shrink them to attach (fit).

I gave up trying to do it months ago, then tried again yesterday & today (failed) - which explains why I've never been able to show people the photos that you all asked to see...

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Oct 2017, 11:07 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hello @Adge

dealing with grief is so very different for each of us..

some people never deal with it or should I say realise that grief is very real..

losing your precious cat is also grief..

it does not mean that your grief is harder to work through though..might feel that way

you will deal with it in your own way in your own time...

take care

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember29 Oct 2017, 11:20 pm AEDT

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Adge, stranger, sorry I've been distant, its good seeing you pop up on other threads. Are u feeling any stronger in yourself? How's that 4letter word 'work' going? Don't envy your plight there.

With these photos, i had the same problem but then i discovered 'screenshots' Do you have a screenshot app in your phone? It will copy whatever is on the screen when you use it.. There's free screenshot apps you can install online. I find the screenshot of photos I take creates a copy that is an acceptable size for the forums, and cheaper to upload. Give it a try.

Catch you later, I've had a crap day.
🐦💜🐦

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