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Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor25 May 2017, 10:42 pm AEST

Grief & loss - may be triggering

@ lapses
Early last year 2016 my Dad died after a long painful illness (cancer), which he had been fighting for 6 years.

He survived that long only because of continuous treatments, otherwise he would have been gone in 6 months (they said).

My relationship with him had been somewhat distant at times - due my living in a different state from my entire family for the past 22 years.

Also due to my tumultuous upbringing & family background - which is why I could not stay in the city where I grew up, & chose to live here (3000 kilometres away) instead.

Also wanting to start anew 22 years ago, with needs for greater independence.

Yet those hopes to start a family of my own have never been realized. My marriage ended abruptly, & took my cherished plans & hopes for the future with it.

Then I was confronted with the memories of my SA only 3 months after the end of my marriage - which again turned my life upside-down. My gender identity was shaken, & I no longer felt secure with the sense of identity that I once had.

Followed by a severe health emergency - with 2 emergency bowel surgeries, a stoma & bag for 6 months.

Then a 3rd major bowel surgery to try to put things back together. I almost died twice in hospital they told me.

My siblings & I had found Dad to be emotionally distant & scary right into our adult lives - yet in the last few years we found him to be a kind, intelligent & very caring man. So it was so much harder to lose him.

Due to the stress of having to find a new job, having complex PTSD, & not coping well with the conditions of this occupation (carer) - I've been unable to effectively come to terms with my grief & loss.

It seems that my grief has been largely on hold for the past 14 months since Dad died. I don't feel in touch with it, despite my best efforts to.

I see a psychologist, yet we've been unable to do grief work, or help me to come to terms with the loss of my Dad.

I've remembered very little about him in the past year, which makes it harder - as I have so few memories to draw upon.

Adge

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In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember12 Sept 2017, 1:26 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Oh dear @Adge 💜😞sorry you're crook while away, but ya right about pushing through so you can say you did something nice. Keep telling the 'what if' committee to pee off - such a waste of time and energy - doesn't change anything. 🌷🌿

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember12 Sept 2017, 6:15 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

hello lapses

very sound advise there @Former-Member

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember17 Sept 2017, 3:03 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member, thanks, how ae you going?

@Adge, I'm concerned for you. How are you going? How was the last trip? Any revelations? Maybe a good Dr?

I see you 'liking' posts now and then so trust you're OK? Having trouble getting online sometimes o think you said.

My fenale bourke bird "Pearl" has dropped her 3rd egg and I feel so guilty I haven't got her nesting box 😞 maybe be better organised next spring. The finches are such busy little darlings. Do thankful you encouraged me to get the birds ☺👍 🐦🎵

Just letting you know you're not forgotten. 💜🐦🌿🐦

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember17 Sept 2017, 3:44 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Albany looks like a lovely place @AdgeAdge ☺

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor17 Sept 2017, 4:41 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Hi @Former-Member Those photos of yours are lovely - I saw scenes just like those, including that entertainment centre (picture).

Thanks so much for asking after me - I'm just not in a very good space, so my self-expression seems to be shut-down in those circumstances, when feeling ill or very tired.

I’ve felt in a rut (struggling), since I arrived home from Albany at midnight on Tuesday night (12th). These trips seem to have taken a lot out of me, but that doesn't really account for it - it’s the continuing illness as well.

No I haven't been to another Dr yet (I have to find or decide on one), yet I've been doing my best to look after myself & to get better. It's been almost 4 weeks (ill) already.

I want to make use of my remaining time off to go places (& see things) - yet I have no energy, & seem to have lost my motivation (& time left) to book or go on another trip.

I felt very unsafe alone in the dark (at night) in a country town on Tuesday night, with some rough boisterous locals hanging around right near me. They did a 1 hour stop off for meals, & all went into a restaurant.

That was not a pleasant ending to my 2 day (1200km) rather rushed trip to Albany.

I managed to finalise payment for the yoga retreat (on late this week) with difficulty after many attempts, as their online paypal payment system did not work.

I found it hard to disengage myself from appointment & billing contacts whilst away, despite having little or very disrupted phone coverage.

I hadn't been to any of my yoga classes for 2 weeks, but I finally got there this week..

My finches drop eggs now & again (so do my doves). Hopefully your Bourke parrot is okay.

Sorry I'm having trouble focusing for long enough to type this, which is why I haven't posted anything in about a week.

I will try to find a way to show you some photos of down south, when I have some more energy (I only took a few).

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor17 Sept 2017, 7:24 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

I tried to attach photos from my trips down south, but the system said that the files are too large - it wouldn't let me do it.

Which is funny, because the photos are actually small (taken with phone).

Unless I find a way to shrink those photos (or something), I won't be able to put them on here to show you.

I find it hard enough just to upload photos (from my phone) onto my computer...

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember17 Sept 2017, 8:14 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

That's OK @Adge, good effort. One way I shrink photos is - using my mobile phone - screenshot them. That reduces them enough every time.

Havevyou started probiotics yet? Apple cider vinager is good too.

But after pushing yourself so longbi tji k you need to rest! Do what if you spend a week mostly in bed? Eat lots of vegies 🙂

The yoga retreat sounds good 👍 They might help you get on track in other ways too. If i had money I'd go to a health farm, take you along.

You take it easy forum brother💜🌿
Hugzz💕☺🐦🎵🌿🔆

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor17 Sept 2017, 9:12 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Thanks @Former-Member. Yes I always take probiotics, every day for the past 2 years. Since my last bowel surgery.

Having my bowels disconnected (with a stoma & bag) for 6 months, destroyed all the good bacteria (gut flora), which has given me on-going digestive issues ever since then.

I think my immune system was affected, because I've had more serious (longer) illnesses since then too.

Yes I'm eating lots of vegies, I'm vegetarian.

Rest, yes - I so want to get out & do stuff & see things. It's so depressing being at home alone all the time.

My Budgies were feeding each other, which is so cute. Maybe they're getting ready to have some baby budgies...

Adge

In response to: Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

AdgeSenior Contributor19 Sept 2017, 3:26 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Poor Minx puss's deteriorating condition is impacting on me really badly

It's so depressing (miserable) to see her loss of mobility - & being at home is a constant reminder, which upsetting me terribly.

Degenerative spinal disease, the vet said a few weeks ago - she said it was a matter of how long I feel I can cope with it. Minx having poo & wee accidents all over the floor, several times a day.

I've found a mobile vet, & I've called him out for tomorrow but I still cannot decide what to do - euthanasia is really my only option, the vet said (so did my psychologist).

Yet I don't want to do that, it's so horrible.

Adge

In response to: Grief & loss - may be triggering

Unknown userMember19 Sept 2017, 6:32 pm AEST

Re: Grief & loss - may be triggering

You have to put kitty down @Adge, its really the kindest thing. I had to have my 15yr old tenterfield down recently. They just go to sleep, its peaceful. I couldnt stay for it but the vet seemed really compassionate and he was too sick as to care. It became a toss-up between the triggers watching him suffer and the trigger of the loss that would come. I did was was kindest for him, he was suffering. I miss him but coped better that I thought I would - as you will because you have done so much grief work lately. Also, it helped a lot having support here. So many came along side me. You're not alone @Adge, dragging it on isn't helping. You've done a great job helping to date. When you decide its time - have a strategy plan so you're not alone that day & the next. Feel for you. Please give a goodby & thank you cuddle from me 😞 There's never a good time for loss😞 hugzz 💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜🐦💜

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