Grief & loss - may be triggering

hi @Former-Member,

thanks for replying to me and thankyou for your concern the feelings that i have resurfacing are the ones of guilt not suicide i have alot to live for now especially my son i would not leave him he is my world and i am currently studying psychology so that when i have my head sorted i can start helping others but the guilt is something i thought i had overcome and now its back its kind of a blow i wasnt expecting

Hi @NameUnknown

It sounds very much as if you have Survivors Guilt and it is very natural. I read what you wrote on your Prolonged Grief Thread and thought this - it's very common and very natural

You were only a child when this happened and it has traumatised you - I hope you can get some help for that - it seems both of you were raped and there are people here who have suffered abuse as children and hopefully they can help.

Here's what I do know from my own experience. When I was about 6 I think I told a silly lie and my very young parents stood over me asking me over and over again why I did this and I had no idea. Many years passed and this haunted me and now I know children experiement and for me this whole thing left me honest to a fault - and I know this was not what I did but my parents reaction to it - and it is a strange thing how adults expected a young child to know

So - children experiment and in your case it was far more serious - you went to an unsafe place and paid a terrible price - and then you knew you friend had attempted suicide later in that place - and succeeded - but at nine and in foster care and being abused - well - where could you go? - who could you tell? - you had learned to distrust adults -

It's easy to say and hard to do but this was not your fault - I guess for years you have seen it as your fault but go easy on a little child - yourself. And suicide is something I have been on the receiving end of and know well enough - this is a hard thing

My son committed suicide in Juvenile Dentention a long time ago - I still feel it today - it is a terrible feeling. I had to tell him I could not take him home - I had warned him of the certainty that criminal behaviour gets people locked up and I couldn't help him anymore -

That was the last time I saw him though I spoke to him a couple of days later on the phone.

When people commit suicide it is their own decision - I have read a lot on these forums and know people can eventually find life so painful they feel as if they have to end it. I don't know what that feels like but to say I understand how you feel - though I can't ever know how you feel - I guess this is something you have battled with every day of your life since.

But please remember - this was not your fault - you did experiement with life by going somewhere unsafe but children have to experiment with life - and you paid a terrible price for that - and it was a price your friend could not live with

Take time to grieve your friend but one thing is good - here you might find a way to let yourself off the hook about her suicide.

I can only wish you all the best and hope you can make it through this bad spell quickly - you obviously have lived with it for a long time - and I can assure you it does get easier though it can take a long time to get there

Dec

hi @Owlunar,

i do see a psychologist as it was not the first time i had been abused sexually, physically and emotionally nor unfortunately was it the last but i have learnt that life can be good while childhood traumatised me alot i have a loving partner a beautiful son and lots of other support. my main guilt is that i often wonnder if i had gone and told someone would she still be alive or if i had told her parents what happened to us would they have been able to help her feel better she was the reason i stayed out of hospital (i selfharmed) and started to talk to people at school and then that happened and i didnt do anything to help her i know i was dealing with alot already for such a young age but i wish i had done something differently

Hi again @NameUnknown

Of course you wish you had done something differently - I get it totally - but we cannot take back the past and maybe this is a good thing for what a muddle the world would be if people kept changing everything - let's not

You were dealing with a lot for someone so young -

I can tell you though that when a young person - or anyone for that matter - who is into Suicide attempts and Suicide Ideation and Self Harm is likely to complete the act when they keep trying - whether they mean to or not - and my son was into all of that - and I did not have to be psychic to know where all of this was heading

So - you might have saved your friend that day had you gone to her parents - but the chances are good she would have completed the act - after all - she did not go to her parents herself - or if she did it had not made her feel better - even if they had been understanding

Who knows - just as my parents tore me apart wanting to know why I lied - help me - it was only a lie - had you or she told her parents it might have been disastrous also - it might have been great - but how could you know - I am pretty sure you were highly confused and didn't know what to do and already felt it was your fault you were raped - and it never is the victims fault when they are abused in any way

I am glad you have had help with you abuse - my mother was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive - I had to have help with all of that after she died - I had deeply buried memories about all of that - and thank God it is over

I do wish you the best - I am so glad you found us

Dec

Well said @Former-Member

hi all,

@Former-Member,

my friend taking her life often makes me wonder if i could have saved her done something differently but as others have also said it leaves so many what if that will never be answered as the only one who could answer them is no longer able to tell us but i understand how the guilt and other emotions of grief can resurface years later and i know that it probably has significance to it being 15 years ago.

and my psych studies i have only just started and no doubt probably will bring up stuff but i have done this before with my counselling diploma and i have set my self up with support networks that will help me when it gets difficult. but thank you for you concern.

@Owlunar

i understand what you mean and i am glad that there are people i can talk to on here to help when it is outside of my psych appointments